Election WatchSeptember 20, 2013 at 2:38 pm

UTB’s Election Superlatives 2K13: VOTE!

As the days have grown (somewhat) shorter and the nights (somewhat) colder, you freshmen may have been asking yourselves: why hasn’t UTB synthesized the best worst myriad election videos and posters into some kind of roundup? If they don’t make fun of everyone, how will I know who to vote for? IS IT NOT ALWAYS THUS???

Fear not, fair freshie readers. The day is here. The end draws near. Go vote (before 5pm) and click through for the roundup. Read the rest of this entry »

NewsSeptember 11, 2013 at 4:20 pm

It’s The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year


It’s official: freshman campaigners are back and no god or Amy Gutmann can save us. This is the time of year we all dread/love, when zealous freshmen take a break from being famous on the class Facebook page and trade in their books for a good name pun (Hope is pretty much name pun gold, so congrats!). It’s like flyer primetime on Locust except even more hilarious. To all those in large intro classes like this photo of ECON001, we salute you.

NewsAugust 28, 2013 at 9:05 am

To Freshmen, From Upperclassmen

PennFreshAdviceListen up freshies. Sadly now that NSO is NSOver, it’s time to float back down to real life where the Mondays are long and the 2am Wawa lines are longer. But everything’s going to be just fine, especially with the elders here to guide you.

Introducing Penn FreshAdvice, a Twitter account that dishes out handy advice direct from your friendly neighborhood upperclassmen. Don’t worry, this isn’t your mom’s “remember to brush your teeth” cue eyeroll okay mom kinda advice (although equally important). We’re talkin’ real upperclassmen-certified stuff that’ll have you acting more like a Pennsavvy freshman and less like a Pennsilly freshboy in no time. You’re already reading UTB so you’re well on your way. Give Penn FreshAdvice a peep; they’re on tumblr too if that’s yo’ thang.

NSOAugust 26, 2013 at 3:24 pm

Penn Sounds No One Wants To Hear

new-image-for-sound1-150x150As all Freshmen (and a few upperclassmen) know, this year has been ceremoniously crowned the YEAR OF SOUND. In keeping with this theme, we at UTB have decided to give you some information about a few sounds that probably weren’t covered in orientation.

The Sound: Sirens
The Reasons: Sirens at Penn have a few possible points of origin. It could be the police chasing down a criminal who will soon be featured in a Penn Alert text your parents will call you about. It could be cops deciding 2am is a good time to shut down your party. Alternatively, depending on how close they are, it could be an ambulance coming to MERT you.
The Move: Run. Though in the third case you probably won’t get very far.

The Sound: Moaning
The Reasons: Perhaps your roommate is enjoying some fun a’la Kate Taylor, or he/she is in serious physical pain.
The Moves: Either way, back slowly out of the room. If stuck, pretend to be asleep, it’s better this way.

The Sound: Scurrying
The Reasons: Whether it’s a mouse in the dining hall, a squirrel in your ceiling, or a cockroach in your brightly colored storage bins, pests are a part of Penn life not mentioned in info sessions.
The Moves: Shriek as loud as possible and climb onto the highest surface available. Adopt it a as pet (If You Give a Mouse Insomnia). Pray.

The Sound: A Pulsating Bass
The Reasons: You live too close to an off-campus frat house. Or some kid in your hall needs house music to “study.”
The Moves: Purchase earplugs. File a noise complaint (editor’s note: don’t do this). Find the party–if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.


Freshman Takes a Tumble (2017 Edition)-- In approximately 28 hours, giant packs of slightly disoriented freshmen will descend (literally) upon the streets of West Philly. Now you actually have an excuse to gawk! Send us your pictures of freshly fallen freshies starting tomorrow night and we'll give you a shoutout. It's almost as good as Penn Porn.
NewsMay 3, 2013 at 4:30 pm

R.I.P. Quad Alc

photoFinals are just about over and you know what that means! Freshmen everywhere are rolling those giant cardboard carts out of the Quad (tear) and back to the suburbs. Looks like a couple of them realized that Mom and Dad wouldn’t exactly appreciate finding these bottles stuck between the shower flops and Target sheets and ditched the Svedka on the Hamilton side of the Lower Quad Gate. Side note: who had the Jack? Why aren’t we friends?

ShutterButtonApril 10, 2013 at 9:51 am

ShutterButton: Penn Traditions Less Resilient Than Fling

1914 bowl fight

Here we have one of the many Penn traditions that didn’t quite stand the test of time. Presenting the Bowl Fightan annual orgy game that pitted the sophomore and freshman classes against each other. It took place in the Quad in April, much like Fling! Only it was super violent. A couple of years after the Bowl Fight pictured (1914), someone died and they (appropriately) called the whole thing off. So please, sophomores, as you sneak past the tight Quad security this weekend to visit your old rooms, don’t try to wrestle freshmen into bowls. We wouldn’t want Fling cancelled, now would we?

NewsFebruary 7, 2013 at 12:36 pm

Feeling Lazy? Someone Will Buy You Food

Food Truck

A new semester means a new supply of dining dollars, but if you’re too lazy to find a Freshman to steal meal swipes from, your culinary cravings can still be satisfied (Kung Foo Hoagies!!). The real problems arise when your lethargy is so great that taking the elevator down from a Highrise second floor is too much of an effort. Thankfully, one campus entrepreneur whose profit margins leave a lot to be desired will help ya out. Let’s just hope you have the energy to fish the cash out of your wallet!

FeaturesFebruary 2, 2013 at 6:18 pm

Meanwhile On The Penn 2016 Facebook Page…

word associationThere’s nothing more fascinating than observing a wild beast in its natural habitat, so UTB infiltrated the Penn 2016 Facebook group to see what the kiddies are up to.

Pictured here is a somewhat pointless but mildly impressive word association game that’s been going on for almost a year. Fortunately, we’ve beaten Brown because they probably don’t really care about this game anymore.

Read the rest of this entry »

Election WatchSeptember 30, 2012 at 6:56 pm

Race To The UA 2K12: Class Board and UA Results Are In

FINALLY!  Class of 2016, here are your leaders: