To the freshman men of the University (and a few awkward sophomores),

If you’re wondering where you can get your free food fix tonight and engage in some single mingle with the gentlemen of fraternity row, the following is a schedule of events for tonight and tomorrow. No need to thank us. No, seriously, don’t thank us–we sniped all this information off the IFC Facebook event.

Check it out after the jump, and don’t forget to memorize your Greek letters! (It’d be so embarrassing to confuse your ex’s with your chi’s…)

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As we continue to wait with bated breath for the results of the freshman election campaigns for the Undergraduate Assembly, the candidates begin to reveal their super-awesome personalities. And what better way to do this (besides putting up posters) than to post videos on the internet? While all the clips are quite riveting, some are clearly better than the others. So without further ado, we present the creative geniuses and technologically-savvy wizards of the freshman class!

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With freshman UA elections in full swing, and with so many candidates offering such an array of empty promises, deciding how to cast your ballot can be overwhelming. With that in mind, we’re continuing the hallowed UTB tradition of dissecting the most promising posters we’ve seen all over campus (arbitrary numerical ratings included). Based on these totals, you should be able to get a pretty good idea of how we think you should vote. Let’s go down the rabbit hole of student government and take a look at what the kids today are using for campaign material.

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Remember all the fun you had during NSO? We don’t either. But the Division of Public Safety does! As the DP reports, there was a 37% increase of alcohol-related accidents during the booze-fueled weekend for a total of 37 cases (What are the chances?!). Fourteen of these involved freshmen women. Oh lawd.

Not surprisingly, there were several other  incidents during orientation, including fifty complaints of loud music (“Tik Tok” is getting old. Seriously.), and seven instances of something called “student-related disturbances” (Belligerently drunken trips to Wawa, what?). Fortunately, there were no reported violent crimes.

For all the freshmeat out there, here is a quick and comprehensive guide to Penn’s lingo. All the cool kids use it (or at least some of it) and so will you, so consider this your homework for NSO. Study up and impress your friends with your new Penn-friendly vocabulary.

A-Gut – Otherwise known as Amy Gutmann, the president of our fine institution. She is often seen praising the university’s newest class at Convocation or fluffing her perfect coif.

Allegro – The pizza place where all the drunk people go. Its location (between the Quad and a bunch of frat houses) makes it the spot to feed your late-night craving, but beware: it closes at 2am.

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Welcome back to the latest installment in the Freshman Guide To NSO 2010. In this episode, we’ll teach you how to buy books, ideally without shelling out for a brand-new one you’ll open once before finals.

Before we navigate the sea of texts, we’d like to issue one word of caution: DON’T BUY YOUR BOOKS YET! Don’t buy them until you’re certain you want to be in the class. It’s okay, no one else has bought them either. And you’re not going to do the first reading. It’s Rosh Hashanah!

The hands-down easiest way to find what you need is to just use Book.ly, which compares all your options for you across several different websites. They even have a custom version for Penn students! But if you want discounts, pros and cons, and other tips, click after the jump.

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PMA party, YES!

Attention 2014-ers: New Student Orientation is approaching! It’s a well-known fact that Orientation weekend is second-to-none- at least during the Fall semester (sorry, Fling is totes better). Of course, with plenty of things to do, the first few days at Penn are chaotic. But not all school-sponsored events are created equal, so we’re here to tell you what’s what with the most popular NSO parties.

Thursday:

President and Provost’s Welcome and Reception (4:15pm- College Green/Wynn Commons): Skip. There are many things you can do to settle in nicely at Penn. Meet your hall-mates. Organize your room. Get lost on campus. Wait until Convocation for Amy G to tell you that you’re Penn’s most talented.

College House Meetings (9pm- All over campus): Go. Not only is this mandatory event somewhat entertaining, but this will probably be your first opportunity to get free stuff at Penn.

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As the summer winds down and we prepare to return to the fifth best place in the universe (we’ll be back to reclaim our spot next year), we begin to remember all the fun we’ve had over the past year(s). Fall Fest. Amy’s holiday parties. Spring Fling. That time Gretchen tried to make “fetch” happen.

Taking a leaf out of Columbia’s Bwog, we think it’s in the interest of the 2014-ers to culturally and socially enlighten them by sharing our craziest NSO experiences. Got a great story? Something you wish you had known before you came to Penn? Send it in, and we’ll post the best ones before orientation!

Seniors and juniors: Looking to make a few extra dollars AND meet some of Penn’s “brightest” and “most qualified” students? Luckily for you, two Penn students have started up ‘PennEats’ and are looking for members of the Classes of ’11 and ’12 to work during NSO (and much of the first semester) as campus sales representatives. For a small cost, students will be issued PennEats cards, giving them a 10% discount at many on-campus restaurants. Call us crazy, but it seems like a discount at Copa can only lead to more freshman idiocy. Full e-mail after the jump.

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Look what we found at Hill brunch! Freshman Gabe Avins is really, really excited for Fling. So excited he got Fling buzzed into his hair from that dude in DuBois who does haircuts. We’re not sure what’s going on with the blonde mohawk on top, but we appreciate the Fling excitement. Any way to carve out a picture of Snoop?