Finals are just about over and you know what that means! Freshmen everywhere are rolling those giant cardboard carts out of the Quad (tear) and back to the suburbs. Looks like a couple of them realized that Mom and Dad wouldn’t exactly appreciate finding these bottles stuck between the shower flops and Target sheets and ditched the Svedka on the Hamilton side of the Lower Quad Gate. Side note: who had the Jack? Why aren’t we friends?
Here we have one of the many Penn traditions that didn’t quite stand the test of time. Presenting the Bowl Fight: an annual orgy game that pitted the sophomore and freshman classes against each other. It took place in the Quad in April, much like Fling! Only it was super violent. A couple of years after the Bowl Fight pictured (1914), someone died and they (appropriately) called the whole thing off. So please, sophomores, as you sneak past the tight Quad security this weekend to visit your old rooms, don’t try to wrestle freshmen into bowls. We wouldn’t want Fling cancelled, now would we?
A new semester means a new supply of dining dollars, but if you’re too lazy to find a Freshman to steal meal swipes from, your culinary cravings can still be satisfied (Kung Foo Hoagies!!). The real problems arise when your lethargy is so great that taking the elevator down from a Highrise second floor is too much of an effort. Thankfully, one campus entrepreneur whose profit margins leave a lot to be desired will help ya out. Let’s just hope you have the energy to fish the cash out of your wallet!
There’s nothing more fascinating than observing a wild beast in its natural habitat, so UTB infiltrated the Penn 2016 Facebook group to see what the kiddies are up to.
Pictured here is a somewhat pointless but mildly impressive word association game that’s been going on for almost a year. Fortunately, we’ve beaten Brown because they probably don’t really care about this game anymore.
You thought campaign posters were the cruelest torture, did you? Isn’t that cute? BUT IT’S WRONG! Because of Facebook and Twitter and videocameras and other bleep-bleep-bloop technologies, everyone feels entitled to colonize the Interwebs with his or her presence. (Note: UTB is excluded from this statement because we say so.) Long story short, freshmen continue to make election videos, and we all suffer. But sometimes, the goddesses smile upon us:
Don’t even listen to what Anthony Janocko is talking about; we all know it doesn’t matter. Instead, treat yourself and skip ahead to 1:10. It’s okay, sweet child. Do it. We all have at this point. First person to make a GIF out of his “Gangnam Style” dance at the end gets Capogiro gelato on us. (No joke.) But some other people made videos too!
Oh, goody, freshmen elections are here! For three-quarters of us, it’s primetime for gawking at silly name-based puns, hearing the same empty promises and trying to figure out whether the freshman are getting smarter or dumber. For the lucky youngest quarter of the school, it’s a time when thousands of innocents are harassed by uninvited Quad-room visitors as they decide who they want in charge of picking which Hummus platter to get at the next big class event. Yikes!
So how do you decide? You look at the campaign posters, duh. After three years of doing this, we can safely say that the quality and creativity posters have been in a steady decline since 2009. Take a gander at our completely logical rating system and see who’s got our vote. (Right, we’re pretty sure you’re supposed to vote by this Friday.) Welp, here we go!
Congrats freshman! You’ve made it! …to the day before classes start. Did you think we would leave you hanging once NSO was over? We considered that option, but decided in the end that, gosh darn it, you deserve it! Didn’t Amy G tell you you’re Penn’s best and brightest?
So here you are: everything you need to know to avoid the dunce cap on your first day.
1. Don’t Bring All Of Your Textbooks
Relax, kid! The first day of classes is not the first day of classes, per se. It’s more of a meet and greet where your professor tries to communicate that they’re one of those “cool” professors by making it rain with syllabi, playing a funny youtube video, and then shrugging with a look that says “that’s all I got”, followed by a few upperclassmen high-fiving and packing their stuff up like they’re on a super toy run.
If a professor does try and tell you to turn to page 270 on day one of class, drop the class immediately. You deserve better, girl. Read the rest of this entry »
Yes, this is an actual (INSTAGRAMMED!) photo of a freshman girl’s Quad dorm room that’s making the rounds on campus. Here’s a fact sheet:
Attention freshmen and freshwomen: NSO (for those living under a rock, NSO = New Student Orientation) is approaching! It’s a well-known fact that Orientation weekend is second-to-none– at least during the Fall semester (sorry, Fling is totes better). Of course, with plenty of things to do, the first few days at Penn are chaotic. But not all school-sponsored events are created equal, so we’re here to tell you what’s what on Locust (ya know, that sidewalk through the middle of campus) and beyond. Come along, new friends!
Wednesday
Target Trip (2pm; International and Exchange Students-The Button/Van Pelt Library): Maybe. If you’re on campus this early as a freshie, you’re trying too hard– or you’re just an international student, which would make sense. The university-run shopping spree is not an activity to write home about, but it’s a good way to kill two hours if you can’t bear the thought of letting down your future roommate with the clashing bedspread you brought from halfway around the world.
