NewsMarch 31, 2014 at 7:10 pm

BREAKING: Satan Realizes There’s More To Life


That’s right, folks, looks like the devil’s turning over a new fig leaf. Some local photographic evidence suggests that our fiery frenemy just got fed up drizzy drunk one night and said, y’know what? To hell with hell. It’s about time I ditch this whole pitchforkin’ gig and try something new. So where’s Lucifer now? Probably interning at Pitchfork or Comcast customer service.

FeaturesNovember 1, 2013 at 12:48 pm

Spooky And Kooky Penn Professors

eric schneider

In honor of Halloweekend, here are our picks for the OOKIEST profs on campus. You still have time to switch in to their classes for Spring 2014!

Eric Schneider (Urban Studies)

Known for his brutal, unflinching honesty when it comes to those thesis drafts you crank out when you’re half-asleep the night before the due date, Schneider is also currently writing a seminal HISTORY OF MURDER. He is, as he admits publicly without shame, obsessed with murder.

janet monge Janet Monge (Anthropology)

Under that shock of gray-white hair is a big ol’ brain, and students love Monge for her engaging teaching as much as they do her hilarious anecdotes and recurring malaria. It just gets spookier: Almost every photo of her on the internet includes hUmAn ReMaInS!

warren ewens Warren Ewens (Statistics)

Ewens doesn’t have anything justifiably spooky about him, but all his students agree he’s spooky as they come.  Just look at that crazed expression; he looks like someone about to inject your brain with an Ivy League-standard statistics education.

gomaa omar Gomaa Omar (Geology)

In addition to referring to all his pupils as “little creep,” this rock jock loves to remind us all that we’ll all eventually die. At which point, if his maniacal laughter is any indication, he will feast on our rotting corpses in the dusky moonlight.

Know a creepy, kooky, mysterious, spooky, or all-together ooky professor that’s not on this list? (We know you do.) Shoot ‘em to us in the comments!

FeaturesOctober 31, 2013 at 5:33 pm

Variations On A HallowTheme: The Sexy Cat

Free-shipping-Sexy-Black-Cat-Costume-2012-CostumesCheap-Animal-Cat-Costumes-Sexy-Halloween-Christmas-Dress-OnEveryone has been a sexy cat for halloween. You have, your friends have, your mom did in 1978. George Washington dressed as a sexy cat shortly before crossing the Delaware, Moses wore a sexy cat costume up to the summit of Sinai. It’s overdone. So before you paint on that black whisker-nose, don a skintight leggings-and-tank-top combo, and call it a party, consider embellishing a little. Some ideas, after the jump. Read the rest of this entry »

ShutterButtonOctober 30, 2013 at 4:21 pm

ShudderBOOttun: Spookpreme Court Justices

spookpreme court justices

Mad props to Penn Law’s ultra talented Phil Shecter for carving these judiciary masterpieces out in the Penn Law courtyard—because as we all know, the only thing scarier than our legislative branch lately is a pumpkinized Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
But hey, Shecter, is a Harvey Specter too much to ask for by tomorrow?

Read the rest of this entry »

NewsOctober 30, 2013 at 2:37 pm

Send Us Your Texts From Halloween

f9566f07ae3504135bca1da6c0508ac0Hear ye, hear ye! Calling all hungover Batmen and walk-of-shame sexy felines: now is your chance to repent your sins! Or rather, try to remember them. As per tradition, UTB wants to hear about your Halloween, but you can show better than you can tell.

Anonymously expose your ex, that random guy at a party, or yourself—we won’t judge. Spend your morning after the right way: sifting through your phone and sending whatcha got to (area code included!). Check back to see if your drunk confessions or dirty talk made it on the blog! [Names not included, dignity sold separately.]

Read the rest of this entry »

ContestsOctober 29, 2013 at 9:00 pm

UTB Costume Contest

debbiereynoldsH2Send photos of your costumes to if you want to be Halloween-famous. Some day next week, we’ll post the best costumes. That night, UTB After Dark will post the most heinous and outrageous costumes, so prepare ye. Photos of yourself, your friends, and Penn students you don’t know are all fair game.

Magic is really very simple. All you’ve got to do is want something, and then let yourself have it.

NewsOctober 31, 2012 at 6:45 pm

Twerk Or Treat!

These tattered guys and ghouls got freakishly festive today, performing a bloody zombie flash dance by the Tampons (appropriate). It was thrilling.

ShutterButtonOctober 31, 2012 at 2:48 pm

ShutterButton: Gumby Goes to School

Look who showed up for class today! Always the punctual green clay humanoid, Gumby showed up at Professor Jamie-Lee Josselyn’s creative writing course a few minz early to chat about Pokey’s girl drama (fictional horses can be SO clingy) and his uneventful hurricane vacay. Have fun, you two!

ShutterButtonOctober 31, 2012 at 11:17 am

ShutterWe’en: Hocus Pocus, Everyone

BOO! Did we scare you? Oh, goody gumdrops, because it’s Hallowe’en! And what a lovely autumn day to celebrate the opening of the Door of the Underworld to begin the annual Reaping of the Innocent, isn’t it? Peep the spooky jack o’lantern the wizards over at Commons carved (Sharpie’d?) up for your ghoulish pleasure. OoOoOoOoh, and those ziptied corn bunches are freaking us out! Help hallow your own ween by checking “Hocus Pocus” out of Van Pelt today. Trick or treat, Qreepy Quakers.

What's HapPENNingOctober 31, 2011 at 9:00 am

What’s HapPENNing?

Seems like that cold gust of wind that grazed your exposed left nip Saturday night blew us into November. Imagine that! We only have six weeks of class left? Sh, it’s not true! To help deal with the pain, we’re (once again) presenting you with the best events happening around campus this week. Happy (official) Halloween!

Occupy Wharton
Who: Penn students
When and where: Monday, 1 p.m.; Huntsman Hall
Why: Whatever your stance on the Occupy movement, it’s kind of a huge deal. Got love for the protesters? Then go support the movement in front of Huntsman! It’s so close– you don’t even have to go to Center City. Don’t like the protesters? Don’t be a dick.

Read the rest of this entry »