Loyal readers, you’ve probably noticed that UTB updates have been sporadic since finals, but we’d like to reassure that we’re still here, ready and willing to help you procrastinate. On that note, we’ve got a few housekeeping-type announcements:

"Tell Jesus the Button is back."

We need your tips! With the UTB staff and Penn in general scattered across the world, we’re still getting used to keeping tabs on a less-concentrated-but-no-less-ridiculous student body. You can help us with that by sending us your tips, and sending ‘em early and often.  And while you’re at it, add us to your gchat list and freaking IM us already, we’re hella bored. Now remember, geniuses, it’s underthebutton AT gmail.com.

We need new writers! We’re always looking for new blood here at UTB, and some of you may have a lot more free time now that it’s summer and you’re unemployed/your a capella group practices ended/your girlfriend dumped you. Or maybe your life isn’t pathetic and you want to write for us anyway, that would be fine too! We’re especially interested in some dispatches from incoming ’13s. Hit us up.

We want to know what you’re up to. In the vein of our short-lived and generally unsuccessful series on “Abrogs,” we want to start up a little feature on people that are doing cool things with their summers. Are you interning for Obama? Have you improbably scored a gig as Bernie Madoff’s manservant? Or perhaps you are friends with Obama interns and Madoff manservants. Either way, we need to know about it.

We have new summer editors. Devoted readers of this blog will recognize the bylines of Hillary Reinsberg and Charlotte Borgen, both of whom have been upgraded to Summer Editors. They will be around, joining the gang you know and love: associate eds Lauren Lipsay and Jessica Goldstein, all-knowing editrix Julia Rubin, our regular slate of contributors, and your lowly UTB Editor (that’s “emeritus” now, trust), whoever-the-hecksky that is.

And there you have it, Earthquakes. E-mail us immediately.

Penn has an official Commencement Twitter, and as much as we love A. J. Snyder (said Twitter’s most prolific contributor), we will be tweeting it ourselves, @underthebutton. Tune in for tonight’s College graduation ceremony (John Legend!) and tomorrow’s Commencement ceremony (Eric Schmidt!).

Late, for a very important date.

Capogiro, the delicious gelato shop that was set to open in the Radian in late April, did not in fact open in late April. Now that it’s early May, we were hoping the grand opening would be sometime soon, but when we snuck a peek yesterday, we left with a less positive outlook.

Did you know shoutouts are due today?  Well, they are, so send ‘em in.  Did you know that there’s a big article about said deadline in today’s Philadelphia Inquirer?  Well, there is.  It begins:

At this very moment, hundreds of Penn students are hunched over their computers, furiously composing pithy bits of prose that they hope to get published in the Shoutouts section of 34th Street, the Daily Pennsylvanian student newspaper’s weekly magazine. Today at noon is the deadline for the much-anticipated, once-a-semester feature.

Wrong, Inquirer, wrong!  At this very moment, hundreds of Penn students are in fact still lying in bed, hungover and recovering from Fling.  “Pithy bits of prose” sounds nice, but most submissions are more along the lines of “illiterate Engineer utterances.” (Don’t worry, we <3 them all.)  And a noon deadline?  Hah.  Everyone knows that deadlines are negotiable — we’ll be accepting shoutouts all day. Read the rest of this entry »

Shut up. Shut up. You had us at [sign language hello]. Today, 34th Street endeavors to communicate with you beyond our usual prose stylings. In our cover story, read about the American Sign Language program, which is mos def and mos deaf one of Penn’s most vital. Insiders’ tip: the signs on the cover of the magazine (and at right) spell out STREET! Now you can spell out other words using the letters S, T, R, and E, like REST or STRESS.  But hahaha, rest and stress are irrelevant for the next four days, ’cause it’s Fling!  ‘Tis the day before fling, in fact, as our editor’s letter expresses in verse.  We’ve also got a comedic faceoff in Ego, an ode to Ashlee “yes, you’re that obvious” Simpson (post 7th Heaven, pre Mrs. Wentz), a Fling weekend culinary primer, and ever so much more.  So pick up the magazine, goshdarnit!

And don’t forget about our writers’ meeting tonight, 6:30 at 4015 Walnut.  You are allowed — nay, encouraged — to show up drunk.

$23, sweeeet! Almost as sweet as an Akon wristband

Public service announcement: don’t forget about our contest, your only chance to score a wristband for the Spring Fling concert.  The deadline for submissions is Friday at 5 p.m.

Oh happy day, it’s finally Thursday! That means Grey’s Anatomy is on tonight (and screw you, it’s still a good show), but as for something with more universal appeal, ohmygodyayyyyy there’s a new issue of Street!  Read all about Penn’s seedy underbelly of bathtub gin and Great Gatsby parties in this week’s feature.  And not to get totally anachronistic on you, but you know what else we wish we could go back in time to?  The year 1995, so we could blast some No Doubt, blissfully unaware of the B-A-N-A-N-A-S future that would unfold for Gwen Stefani. Sigh. We would also like to reread all of Louis Sachar’s oeuvre and adapt it into a screenplay involving sideways arithmetic, which, according to the Film section, is a brilliant idea.  We’d wash it down with a Koch’s sandwich, and hey, there actually isn’t much of a market for brewing moonshine in this day and age — is Koch’s hiring?  No?  What sort of an objective statement might a superhero put on his or her resume?  Thanks to Guides, we feel totally equipped to save humanity.  Orrrr we could get hopped up on moonshine and watch Power Rangers clips on YouTube, which Lowbrow seems to endorse.

To get into tonight’s speakeasy/writers’ meeting, don’t forget the secret knock, which may or may not be the security code that gets you into the DP office at 4015 Walnut.  Happy hour begins at 6:30, and we’ll be leaving the door open for Elijah, so if some new writers sneak in, that’s cool too.  Also, send us some freaking shoutouts.

While you were holed up in Van Pelt with midterm fever, the students in David Comberg’s Information Design class (FNAR 337) have spent the past few weeks toiling away on their most recent projects.  The assignment?  Create an information graphic depicting any aspect of Penn life, from the most mundane activity to the hilarious and/or humiliating.  Starting tomorrow, UTB will be posting the final projects as part of a collaboration with FNAR 337. Throughout this week, be sure to watch out for posts accompanied by the “How To Survive At Penn” logo (below, created by class T.A. Nirav Sanghani).  We hope you’ll find the projects informative…or at the very least, pretty to look at.

Today UTB stands not only for “UnderTheButton (dot com!)” but also “U The Best,” because, well, you’re the best. And Street’s the best. And you know what else is the best? Our annual Best of Penn issue. You voted, and the results are in: Millcreek’s the best place to while away your Mondays, Keith Niedermeier’s the best when you’re hot for teacher, Allegro’s is the best spot when it comes to hitting the spot, and if you want to know what else is the best, you’ll just have to read the whole list.

Blog bonus: throughout the day, we’ll be flashing back to some of our favorite Best Ofs of yesteryear. Along with our regularly scheduled gossipmongering, of course!

Want to spend your evening with the superlative bestowers themselves?  You can find us, as ever, at the Street writers’ meeting at 6:30, 4015 Walnut St. Newbies are welcome and so are regulars–make new friends, but keep the old; one is silver but both are the best, or so we’re told.

Johnny Depp has a tattoo that says “Wino Forever,” a relic of his failed relationship with Winona Ryder and the subsequent excruciating pain inflicted by removing an N and an A.  We always thought it was unfortunate that Depp couldn’t man up and get the O nixed too, because “Win Forever” makes slightly more sense than his current message.  You can’t count on Winona, you can’t even count on wino, so what can you count on, aside from death and taxes?  The answer is Street.  34th Street is there for you every week, through thick and thin. Street will never break up with you and render your tattoo obsolete.  Street will, however, continue to provide scintillating content every week, like this week’s feature on South Street’s famous tattoo culture, our food editors’ trusted opinion on the new cafe Lovers and Madmen, a guide to Philly’s best spots for dancing, a nostalgia-inducing tale of mini-golf, a nursery rhyme about why you shouldn’t pull a Juno, and lots more. Show off your tats, piercings, and body mutilations/illustrations at our writers’ meeting tonight: 6:30, 4015 Walnut St.

It’s been a long two weeks without Street in our lives, but thank goodness, now it’s back, and we’re so happy we can hardly stand it.  The cover story delves into those crazy mosaics that dot South Street, along with the man who created them.  Ego introduces us to Bob Goldman, a cyclist who has “an entire dresser filled with nothing but spandex in just about every color.” Music comes down with a case of O(TB)CD,  condition brought on by Off The Beat obsession.  Food & Drink reviews Local 44, which results in 34 on 44, both of which are numbers we approve of.  Finally, Lowbrow offers an answer to your burning question: Which Penn Alum Are You…In Bed?  Yes, all that and so much more can be found in today’s issue.  So pick it up!  And stop by our writers’ meeting at 6:30 tonight, 4015 Walnut Street.

In the grand tradition of using clumsy reverse psychology to trick you into doing stuff, we present our annual Best of Penn survey.  Do not take it.  Do not spread it around like wildfire.  And definitely do not tell your friends about it.  Don’t even think about it.

If you’re feeling contrary, though, you can find the survey here.  The results will be published in 34th Street‘s annual Best of Penn issue this April.  No braggadocio, but there’s only one publication that bestows awards to Penn’s very best each year, and it ain’t Punchbowl.  Have your say.  Vote.

As one of the twentieth century’s great intellectuals once said, “Monday, one day. Tuesday, two day. Wednesday, when? Huh? What day? Thursday!” Yes, Thursday is the day of days, for it is when new issues of 34th Street arrive and your life improves by a factor of 34.  The stakes are high with today’s issue, because the cover story is about gambling. Put on your poker face and/or your reading glasses and have a look.  Also a safe bet? Ego’s got roller (derby) rage, Food & Drink reviews Chifa, Guides jet-sets to Gay Paree, and Lowbrow is a hymn to foxy boxing (or maybe just foxy boxes).  Plus lots, lots more!

Join us for our writers’ meeting tonight, 6:30 at the DP office, 4015 Walnut St.  Come early (at 6) to learn about blogging for this very blog. You got to be in it to win it!

We’ll be holding office hours again this afternoon.  Catch us online (underthebutton@gmail.com — on AIM or Gchat) around 3 p.m. Tell us about your weekend, submit an overheard, talk shit, give us your Oscar predictions, send tips, whatevs.

This is your UTB Editor speaking. We have reached our cruising altitude of Thursday morning and will be turning off the fasten seatbelt signs shortly. On behalf of 34th Street, our staff would like to welcome you to our new issue, and would encourage you to peruse it at your leisure. Please note that this week marks a historic occasion in Street history, as the word “street” makes an appearance not once, but twice, on our cover! (And see if you can spot all the hidden squirrels too.)

Jokes aside, this week we bring you a serious piece confronting our city’s problem of homelessness, thoughtful, well-written, and just waiting to be read by you. Also on tap are an inside account of a Vagina Monologue dream deferred, a Penn Parli-style take on Slumdog Millionaire’s Oscar chances, a Quizzo playbook for those of you that get drunk on trivia, a gchat that hits the spot, and ever so much more.  Pick up your copy, and join us for our mile high club/writers meeting tonight, 6:30 at the DP office, 4015 Walnut St.