Give it up for Abby, Liddy, and Mary Anne, everybody. Today they rolled out one of the most brilliant political campaign strategies ever: a parody of Justin Timberlake’s sexiest, spiciest single promoting daddy’s platform and calling out his whack competitors. Sasha and Malia, you two better step up your GAME if you want your dad reelected, little girls. This presidential race ain’t child’s play anymore. Huntsman daughters are BRINGING IT. Hard. All y’all other Republican candidates got BURNED. It’s Huntsman, bitch.
So you’ve heard Penn’s (finally?) getting a Quidditch team to match our Harry Potter shirts and Hogwarts-like lifestyle. As the 5th of the 5th-best universities, it’s imperative that we establish a Quidditch reputation to match. Here’s who we’d draft for our inaugural Quidditch lineup. Who would you choose?
- Dean Furda: Nobody chases froshies better than this guy.
- Professor Jonah Berger: He went after the Wharton Iron Prof competition and killed it. We bet he could convince anyone out of their Quaffle.
- Jon Huntsman Jr.: Lord knows the man can chase something, anything, even when it seems impossible.
The illustrious alumnus-turned-governor who fathered our new favorite Twitter account finished a distant 9th in the Iowa Ames Straw Poll, an early Republican contest to identify potential front-runners. With just 69 votes (hehe), Huntsman avoided last place (sucks to be Thad McCotter), but he even lost to other Penn favorite Newt Gingrich.
Hang in there, buddy! We believe in you and your tan. If you’re gone, we don’t really know what we’ll do about this whole “following the campaign” thing.
Mary Anne, Abby, and Liddy, the three oldest daughters of Jon Huntsman, have taken the presidential campaign to twitter. @Jon2012girls chronicles the daily lives of the campaign trail, from mid-afternoon planking to their favorite mode of transportation (spoiler alert: it’s a PT Cruiser). These twenty-somethings are riding Daddy’s coattails all across the nation and tweeting the juicy details along the way. What breaking points have we gathered? Rock, paper, scissors is an important decision-making tool and the official drink of the Huntsman family is gin with St. Germain and soda. #titillating
They must not have been as excited about his announcement as we were. For all their self-proclaimed “ragging” on Penn kids (newsflash: somehow we’ll survive), you think they’d have figured this out by now, maybe, say, when he spoke at graduation 2010. They do paint a lovely picture of what campus must have been like in the 80s; thanks to modern sorostitutes’ love of neon, however, it probably didn’t look all that different.
Jon Huntsman Jr.’s presidential announcement is almost here you guys! At first, we were all like, why are you teasing us all week? Why not just come out and say you’re running straight up? A little digging reveals that for quite some time, Huntsman has had a deep passion for counting. Just check out this video proving both Chinese fluency and numerical prowess, created for the Math Awareness campaign. Consider the math major vote on lock.
On this, the fifth day of waiting for Huntsman’s candidacy, we’ve learned that he is already out targeting special interests and key demographics. One such group he hopes to court is the Toddler Caucus. In order to win the hearts and minds of small children, Huntsman knows, you have to meet them where they are: Sesame Street.