NewsJune 27, 2014 at 3:40 pm

No Hitman? No Problem!

Did the new intern at work just take your desk “by accident”? You obviously need a hitman. Alternatively, you just need to find a new job. Luckily, this sort of terrifying poster on 40th and Locust applies to both situations! Whether you’re tryna off a coworker or just take your GTA5 skills 2 the next level, this guy’s got you covered. He can help you with your problem. He can terminate anybody. He can make you impervious to the law. He cannot spell.

ShutterButtonJune 2, 2014 at 3:09 pm

ShutterButton: Locust Walk Lovin’

This wedding procession was spotted traipsing down a hopefully squirrel-free Locust yesterday afternoon, drawing a collective “Awwww” from all 13 people currently on campus. Luckily, wedding season doesn’t overlap much with every-performance-group-ever-having-a-show week at Penn, otherwise this couple might not have had such a harassment-free procession. While we don’t know where this party ended up, we can only hope that the newlyweds used the Button as a chuppah on their blissful day. Congratulations!

FeaturesApril 15, 2014 at 3:29 pm

Your Fling Photos Are In: Reliving Spring Fling 2K14

flingstanleyAs we collectively wallow in this rainy post-Fling Tuesday, we can only hope ya didn’t have to untag too many pictures or explain to your parents why they received a Dominos pizza delivery at 2am on Saturday (It’s a long not even a long story).

Either way, this moody weather gives us the perfect excuse to reflect on what transpired this past weekend, and there’s no better medium to do this than through the contemporary photograph. Without further ado about nothing, here’s our roundup of the Fling photos you sent us, or hashtagged with #flingstagram:





Nothing unites strangers like the 3am drive for calories. Here we observe an eclectic medley of organisms gathering around the oasis that is ol’ McDonald’s.



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Chasing AmyApril 8, 2014 at 2:04 pm

Chasing Amy: Locust Runway

photo (1)

It’s warm out! It’s iced coffee season! You’re not the only one taking advantage of the warm weather. Madame President was spotted strutting down Locust today looking fierce as ever. While simultaneously juggling Quaker Days and parents’ meetings–and just generally running the world–A-Gut looks cool, calm, and collected chatting with a pal as if it’s totally casual for her to walk among us peasants. University Presidents…they’re just like us! Except that she was probably off to somewhere really important, while you were sitting, pretending to work but really trying to beat 2048. It’s okay, because so were we.

FeaturesApril 4, 2014 at 8:52 am

Flyerer of the Week: Chi Olympics

Chi Olympics

If there’s one word that comes to mind when you think of Penn, it’s sports. And charity. And donuts. Well, maybe not. But if you’re looking for a sweet combination of these three, then be sure to head out to Chi Olympics, this Saturday from 2-4 PM . For this week’s Flyerer of the Week, we learned about what it takes to be the best.

What is Chi Olympics? 
It’s Chi O’s annual fundraiser for Make-A-Wish Foundation. It’s a really fun tournament with sports and games and great prizes for everybody!

So if it’s a competition, how athletic do you have to be?
Actually, not at all. There’s a donut-eating contest, so no athleticism required.

So why should we come to this event as opposed to the other billions of things happening this week?
Because it supports an awesome organization! Make- A-Wish Foundation does great things for kids. Also, anyone who participates will have a lot of fun and can win prizes. We have gift cards for everywhere. Literally, everywhere.

Where, specifically?
We have Kiwi and Smokes! What college kid doesn’t like some beer with a side of froyo?

If you could describe this event in three words, what would it be?
“Fresh”, “once-in-a-lifetime-experience”, and “cash-swag-money” .

Speaking of cash-swag-money, what would happen if Amy G showed up to the event?
We would recruit her for our team. There would also be lots of selfies going on. She’d be a really good competitor for the relay race or something but probably bad at the donut-eating contest. If she wanted, she could be the Grand Torch Bearer who lights the fire of Chi Olympics. The physical and metaphorical fire, that is.

Great! Any last words?
I’d rather be roller-skating right now. I’m not lying….wait, don’t put that!

FeaturesMarch 21, 2014 at 4:50 pm

Flyerer of the Week: Bloomers


With the frankly overwhelming amount of student shows this weekend, the struggle between FOMO and I-can’t-believe-I-paid-$10-for-this-ticket is real. For this week’s Flyerer of the Week, we bet on Bloomers to dazzle us with their hilarity. Were they successful? Well…

Who are you and why are you out here?
We’re Bloomers, Penn’s all-female musical and sketch comedy group. We’re flying for our show, Snowpocalypse Now. We chose the title a few months ago, though, before all this crazy weather happened.

So are you saying that you guys saw this snow coming?
I mean, we wrote the show in late fall. I don’t want to say that we predicted it, but…

Alright, curious. When is the show?
We have a show tonight at 8 p.m. and a show Saturday at 10 p.m. Tickets are $8 on the walk and $10 at the door, and you can pay in cash or Venmo. Group tickets can go for $6 or $7 depending on the size of the group, so there’s plenty of ways to see the show cheap.

What’s the best thing that’s ever happened to you while working on the walk?
I was out here flyering once and going crazy, screaming things like “Come see pretty girls be funny!” when Amy Gutmann walked by. You know how people always say she’s never on Locust?

She’s never on Locust! If she was, we’d know about it.
Well she was then! She grabbed my hand, said, “You’re great,” and left. It was probably one of the best things that’s ever happened to me.

NewsFebruary 18, 2014 at 10:37 am

Everyone Can Stand Under His Umbrella-ella-ella


While you may have thought PDA couples were the only thing annoying everyone on Locust over V-day weekend, this snow-phobic fellow was out there to prove us all wrong. The intrepid traveler journeyed into Saturday’s wintry mix with this umbrella/possible storefront awning that appears to have taken up  a solid 65% of 38th Street Bridge.  While the debate about whether umbrellas in the snow are actually a thing rages on, we also applaud this guy’s generosity as he helped protect his fellow adventurer. But until you can look like this while using an umbrella, we recommend a hood next time.


ShutterButtonFebruary 5, 2014 at 3:19 pm

ShutterButton: Meet Our New Li’l Baby Contribz

new contribz

Ahem, introducing UTB’s five shiny new contributors! Here they are, shivering in front the all-seeing Button last night, just after getting a blindfolded tour of our beautiful campus and just before getting initiated into the Upsilon Tau Beta bloggerhood. Don’t worry, things never got as hazy as that uggo pollution plume in front of the Love statue. Here’s to bringing you more hilarity and hijinks on the daily.

Locust FlaikusNovember 14, 2013 at 3:23 pm

Locust Flaikus

1749e14e5c44b95a5910c1d7e0abdeedFlyerers, we commend you on your commitment to your causes. Standing out in the cold takes chutzpah! Can’t say we’re gonna come to your events, but you have earned our respect.

West Philly Swingers present: The Adventures of Superlead and Wonderfollow

We don’t really get
The title of your show but
Can’t go wrong with swing!

SPEC Concerts presents: The Neighbourhood

Dark pop band of dudes
SPEC is redeeming itself
Concert on Friday

Penn Players presents: Assassins

Sondheim is a boss
Watch ‘em try to shoot the prez
Break a leg, Players!

More Flyer Themed Zen

NewsNovember 8, 2013 at 1:29 pm

If You Like Diversity Then You Shoulda Put A Bow On It

ribbon pic

If you haven’t been on the Locust Bridge lately that means a) you’ve been avoiding the questionable eatings at Nommons and b) you’re unaware that the United Minorities Council has pimped out our campus! UMC beautified Penn a little more in celebration of Unity Month, with multicolored bows to represent the interculturalism of different groups on campus. Hey, we’re a fan of anything that we can pretend to look at while avoiding eye contact with people on Locust. Yay diversity!