As fun as it is to stroll down picturesque Locust Walk during the holiday season, we must warn our dear readers to be careful. Countess the Hawk of Locust is back with a vengeance, this time striking a diva pose outside Joe’s Cafe. Just look how clear she is in this terrifyingly un-Photoshopped photo from a tipster! Everyone in the Penn community (especially one Madame President, out and about) must beware of the wrath of the Locust Hawk.
Forget sandy beaches and idyllic national parks—our very own Philly has been named the fourth best travel destination in the US. All UTB has to say is DUHHH. We could have told you that. In fact, we should really be #1. I mean, Kentucky? Robbed.
Lonelyplanet has dubbed Philly the new art capital, pointing to renowned destinations like the Philadelphia Museum of Art and the trendy Loft District. The only thing missing from the list is a little shoutout to West Philly. It’s also no secret that Penn is the gem of the Philadelphia art scene. There’s a giant, broken sex button in front of our library. There are two giant tampons duking it out over Locust Walk. We’re artsy.
Now that the secret’s out, everyone’s going to be cancelling holiday flights to St. Bart’s and flooding our little city. ‘Tis the price of fame. Just remember that we were here before it was cool.
This Friday, Mask and Wig is putting on its 15th annual ComFest, an intercollegiate comedy festival. This year’s show will be hosted by celebrity guest Greg Proops, known for his appearances on Whose Line Is It Anyway? and Chelsea Lately. Sketch groups from universities like NYU and Tufts received special invitations to perform as well, and from their glowing descriptions on the ComFest website, we get the impression that Mask and Wig is basically the Regina George of the college comedy world. You really can’t help but love them.
When you see Mask and Wig on Locust this week, it might be worth it to take out your security earbuds. Stop staring at your shoes. Wipe off the flyer-proof bitch face and buy a ticket to this hilarious event that sounds like, but isn’t, a collegiate Comic-Con.
A man on Locust Walk handed a tipster this flyer yesterday at around 5 p.m. While this isn’t the type of missing poster we’re used to seeing, it has been rather steamy in Philly recently, and perhaps some clouds could do us good. If you happen to tweet at the oddball specified on the paper, you’ll find a “Philadelphia Doom Fortress”-based “raconteur and thought criminal.” Cute!
Well, you might want to clear your schedule for Jason, a College sophomore who’s taken to the Walk to find his formal date. Ladies, feel free to contact this bachelor at email@example.com, but be wary—while his sign might say “future doctor,” his pretty handwriting definitely screams “physician assistant.”
Look at Amy Gutmann, Madame la Présidente, straight stompin’ with some dudes and Scottish drummers down Locust! This Urban Outfitters catalogue moment was probably brought to you by Sonia Sotomayor’s visit to campus earlier today, and we’re really digging it. Gutmann is rocking an academic regalia potato sack by Proenza Schouler, Ph.D. kitten heels by Thierry Mugler, aviators by Ray-Ban and a presidential dinner plate chain by Flavor Flav.
What a style icon! Every week is Fashion Week for Penn’s eternal “It Girl.”
An observant eye found these bullet-esque objects on Locust Walk earlier this week. “Haha!” says no one. A statement from the Division of Public Safety reveals that they were fakes:
Division of Public Safety investigated this and determined that the bullets were a prank and not real, not related to any crime or incident, according to DPS spokesperson, Stef Karp.
Pranksters these days!
[Update: This post has been modified from its original version.]
Back in 1982, the young mathematician Leonid Brailovsky got into Penn. Nice! The bad news: He was from Russia. And Jewish. Back then, the Russian government was a bit bonkers, and because of his background, Leonid was not allowed to leave the motherland. Outraged, the Penn community organized a 5-kilometer run in protest. Soon after, then-Penn prez Sheldon Hackney decided that running five kilometers was not an appropriate way to challenge the Communist government and renamed Locust Walk “Leonid Brailovsky’s Way” for a day to show his support of the young scholar. (Doesn’t that sound like some sort of preteen soap opera?) Anyway, Brailovsky never did end up at Penn, unfortunately. Oh, Soviet Union! You so silly/completely horrendous!