Did you hear? The Sixers are getting a new mascot! Yeah, for some reason they decided not to bring back their old mascot, this thing that looks like a roid-raged cross between Bugs Bunny and Chuck E. Cheese, for the new season. Can’t imagine why. Nevertheless, it’s now up to fans to vote for the team’s new icon, and we implore you: vote Franklin!
Sure, you could vote for B. Frank’s dog (the aptly named B. Franklin Dogg) or…a moose…but why wouldn’t you want Penn’s illustrious founder to be the new face of Philly’s beloved basketball team? Just look at that dashing red suit, that plum nose, that big hearty belly…wait a second, this looks familiar…Santa? Is that you? Guys, Santa Clause could be the new Sixers mascot! Gooooooooooo SANTA!!!
Do you have what it takes to fill this Quaker vacancy? The athletic department is holding auditions for someone to be the new Ben.
All you need to do is upload a video to YouTube in which you tell how good a Quaker you’d make and send it to firstname.lastname@example.org by April 30th. If you’re good, you get an in-person tryout. If you’re bad, hopefully someone sends us the video.
Just think of all the perks of being the mascot. Promoting school spirit, being the star of campus events, getting your head Photoshopped on things… but more importantly, think of all the pickup lines! It’d be a shame to waste this opportunity.
Life compiled a list of the creepiest college mascots and our friend, the Quaker, made the cut. They said:
Quakers are members of the Religious Order of Friends, but this fellow looks oddly threatening. Has his intimidating grin and glassy gaze helped Penn win 11 of the last 16 Ivy League titles?
First of all, yes, yes it has! Second of all, it is really not nice to say he’s creepy based on his looks – he was born with that grin and those eyes but he’s made the best of his situation. While most people, when given a face like that, might just give up, put a paper bag on their head and try to start some type of telemarketing company from home so they never have to leave the house and be subjected to the chants of “Freak of nature! Freak of nature! Freak of nature!”, the Quaker found a job where he can be out in the world, pumping up crowds, taking pictures with toddlers and leading much nicer chants at the Palestra. The Penn Quaker is truly one of our nation’s bravest, least creepy heroes.
And sorry, LIFE, the magazine for COOL PEOPLE, that he does not have fresher threads, but he LIKES that puffy shirt and it’s not like Old Navy makes sweet graphic tees in his size anyway.
I never thought a Facebook invitation would change my life until this showed up on my home page. Yes, ladies and gentleman, the BlackBerry team is coming to UPenn.
Now, while I may have made some harmful comments about Blackberries in the past, I have not been this giddy since getting my acceptance letter to Penn. Why, you may ask? That would be the promise of a photo with the BlackBerry mascot, who, not shockingly, is a giant BlackBerry. It’s not very often you get to pose with a life-size version of an object of scorn (unless, of course, you’re like some people we know, for whom Beauty and the Beast was a source of major childhood trauma).
I can only hope that the man inside the phone isn’t ticklish, because there are going to be a lot of people pushing those buttons.