Forget all this nonsense about quad performers and Fling headliners– UTB’s got the scoop on what you’ve really been waiting for: next year’s academic theme. Penn has announced that this coming year will be the Year of Sound.

According to the website, “at times, we seek out specific sounds and pay attention. Other times, we try (not always successfully) to ignore or escape sounds.” Super astute, Penn. Sounds fascinating. We at UTB cannot wait for next year. After almost four full months of subletting someone’s crappy apartment and sucking up to the boss at your internship, nothing sounds better than coming back to Penn and having some really lively discussions about SOUND.

During NSO, the really overeager 2017ers will come out of the woodwork and be way too enthusiastic about this year’s accompanying Penn Reading Project, Book of Rhymes: The Poetics of Hip Hop. Maybe Tyga will come back and give a talk about his poetic influences? Here’s hoping.

Like a tweenage girl who insists upon celebrating her birthday for an entire month, the Penn Museum is making sure ’tis not the last time we hear its name before the world semester ends.

Today’s New York Times profiles the only building on campus we dread walking to more than DRL in honor of its 125th anniversary tomorrow. Happy (almost) Birthday!

If you haven’t been to the museum since Freshman year NSO, we recommend stopping by. There’s free (FREE!!) admission all day tomorrow (and everyday for Penn students), but if you can’t make it, check out these vintage vids from the 1950′s game show filmed inside.

Congrats freshman! You’ve made it! …to the day before classes start. Did you think we would leave you hanging once NSO was over? We considered that option, but decided in the end that, gosh darn it, you deserve it! Didn’t Amy G tell you you’re Penn’s best and brightest?

So here you are: everything you need to know to avoid the dunce cap on your first day.

1. Don’t Bring All Of Your Textbooks

Relax, kid! The first day of classes is not the first day of classes, per se. It’s more of a meet and greet where your professor tries to communicate that they’re one of those “cool” professors by making it rain with syllabi, playing a funny youtube video, and then shrugging with a look that says “that’s all I got”, followed by a few upperclassmen high-fiving and packing their stuff up like they’re on a super toy run.

If a professor does try and tell you to turn to page 270 on day one of class, drop the class immediately. You deserve better, girl. Read the rest of this entry »

Pictured here is a freshman after drunkenly crashing to the ground. It’s nice to see the guy on the left helping her up. The girl on the right, however, has a glow stick, so she is excused. We warned you about wearing high heels with a high BAC! [File under: DON'T.]

With the first night of NSO all wrapped up, you’ve probably had more underage butts rubbed against your crotch than a shopping mall Santa. If you find yourself suddenly regretting your early move-in, don’t fret. Here’s a bunch of stuff to do in Philly (and nearby) to occupy you for the remainder of Christmas NSO:

Friday (that’s today):

 4th Friday Wine & Cheese: From 6-9PM, Salon Joose is hosting its last Fourth Friday event of the season. Described as “an irresistible destination stop for anyone interested in business, art, wine tasting, networking, foreign cuisine, [and] unique gifts,” it sounds like the perfect place to meet your future husband. But more importantly, it’s free! (And Mom really wants you to put yourself out there.) Reserve your spot here. Read the rest of this entry »

Yes, this is an actual (INSTAGRAMMED!) photo of a freshman girl’s Quad dorm room that’s making the rounds on campus.  Here’s a fact sheet:

Commoners and barista snobs alike were wowed this afternoon by a surprise visit from Lady Gutmann. You treat yourself, Madame President! Can you even imagine the headache of having to welcome 2,465 fresh sacks of $56,000 meat to Penn? And she pulls it off so gracefully, too! Just look at all that sweet and delicate…

When I came to Penn, I thought of myself as a poster child for anonymous hookups. As a naive freshman, nothing seemed better, but the trouble with having a bunch of one-night stands began at my freshman year sorority bid party. I started making out with a good-looking guy. I was confident with him, kind of bitchy; it was hot. He asked me to guess which frat he was in, but I couldn’t. “You’ll see when we go there,” he said. It wasn’t a suggestion or a question—and I liked that, because it was obvious I was going home with him. He was teasing, being kind of an asshole. Exactly what I wanted. He never even asked my name.

We went back to his house, where we put on some music, drank more, danced around and made out. He finally asked my name when he was saving my number in his phone, but part of the excitement of the hook up—all hook ups, for that matter—was the anonymity, so I didn’t tell him. “Just save it as Wednesday Night,” I tried to say seductively (it was probably just embarrassing). After I spent the night, he never called. I was slightly disappointed, but I took it in stride. Read the rest of this entry »