NewsMarch 14, 2013 at 3:50 pm

SEPTA’s Switching To Swipes

tokens Searching for another way to anger and confuse old people, starting July 1st 2014 SEPTA is introducing a new card based payment method and hiking up the price of a ride.

Not to worry, the always helpful SEPTA staff is being retrained as “customer attendants” to help and the tokens will still be available for purchase until the system actually starts functioning. Find out all the details here, or just keep taking cabs.

NewsMay 31, 2012 at 10:21 am

BREAKING: Research Confirms “Old People” Smell

Penn researchers have collaborated with their Swedish besties overseas to conduct a study on body odor through the ages. The team took samples from 41 people in three distinct age groups, and then made another lucky 41 people smell ‘em. (Makes you think twice about signing up for those Wharton Behavioral Labs, huh?) The results are in:

Although it turns out that middle-aged men are the stinkiest human beings of all, subjects actually had the easiest time accurately identifying the odor of 75- to 95-year-olds, supporting the existence of an “old people” smell. But wait, here’s the crazy twist! Despite its distinct nature, this odor was in fact much milder than any other age group’s. So maybe you should consider turning your “Ew, Grandma!” into Eau de Grandmá, ya rancid young’n!

So there you have it. Really mind-blowing stuff coming out of Penn’s Monell Center. But, uh, now that this myth’s been finally debunked, we can all rest easy and go back to curing cancer, right, scientists?

FeaturesMay 17, 2011 at 10:05 am

Ten Cute Old People At Graduation

Hands down, the best thing about graduation is the old folks that show up. We imagine reunions 5-49 or so must be pretty lame (nothing says “college was fun” like middle age sucking), but once you hit 50+ it’s nothing but adorable geezers. From frumpy to frolicking, here are ten of the most precious spotted at Commencement. These pictures, and more, can be found here.

CampusNovember 6, 2009 at 5:07 pm

Let’s All Have The Absolute Best Homecoming Possible

Don’t be surprised when you wake up this weekend. You’re going to see some shirts tucked into jeans. You’re going to notice a lot of greying temples. You’re going to think, “When did College Green became Fogey City, Population: Tons Of Moms And Dads?” Then somebody’s going to give you a button that says Homecoming 2009 and it’s all going to make sense.

Man, this weekend is going to be the best. See that logo? Looks like Homecoming is going to be full of paintbrushes and music notes and footballs and goal posts. The four best things! But what else is going to be happening? Let’s take a look at some of the highlights from the schedule of events.

The Figure: Structure and Motion
Saturday, 1 p.m. – 3 p.m.

“Participants must be 18 years of age or older.” Do you guys know why that is? It’s because you are probably going to be drawing a live naked dude or lady. All the alumni participating are going to whisper to you in between gesture drawings about how they remember the days when they enjoyed seeing their own naked bodies in the mirror. How they remember those days before their bodies became weathered with age, riddled with liver spots, flabbified with endless folds and wrinkles. Your life will flash before your eyes, as will countless images of their old, old, disgusting naked bodies. Read the rest of this entry »

Campusand  CitySeptember 22, 2009 at 11:03 am

Better Understanding The Other Universities Of Pennsylvania

This isnt our school.

This isn't our school.

Old people never know what’s up but come on, that’s nothing new. They’re always going on about how much they like Ike and, you know, Stan Musial this and Gene Krupa that and ENOUGH ALREADY. Plus there are all those times when what they’re saying is complete nonsense (“Put that Frank Sinatra record on the turntable for me.” Huh??). So while we can’t decode everything your grandma says, we can help you out when it comes to confusing remarks she may make about our school. More times than not, they are only confusing because she’s not even talking about our school.

What Your Grandma Says: “I read that Olive K. Folger Hall has lots of great places to eat!”

What School She’s Really Talking About: Indiana University of Pennsylvania

How You Should Respond: “Grandma, you’re talking about a food court at Indiana University of Pennsylvania. That’s just one of many schools in the Pennsylvania State System of Higher Education. There are fourteen schools that fall under this banner and they all end in ‘University of Pennsylvania.’ The school I go to isn’t any of them, though. I know, it’s confusing. You all done with that pudding now? You want me to clean that up?” Read the rest of this entry »