It’s parent’s weekend yet again. Along with the campus beautification, dining hall upgrades, and “isn’t that just adorable?” crafts come the anxieties of having your parents enter your college world. To make those fears even more real, here are the 10 Things You Don’t Want Your Parents To See On Family Weekend.
1. The mistreatment of your multi-thousand dollar laptop. If there’s more scratches and stickers than surface area, your pops won’t be pleased.
2. The browser history on said computer.
3. The gigantic pile of bursar’d Penn Bookstore shit.
4. Your box of condoms, unless your parents bought them during NSO as a attempt to bond.
5. The state of your room.
6. The state of your roommate, still better than when they came for Halloweekend.
7. The freshman 15. No one says “Do you think those pants are a little tight?” quite like your mother.
8. Your laundry pile. If you turn your underwear inside out, it’s still clean right?
9. The possibly rabid Perelman Possum.
10. Your one night stand. It’s never a good sign when your dad learns his/her name before you.
This fire hydrant gives a whole new meaning to “bra burning.” After what we presume must have been a pretty steamy night of second base under the stars, the evidence remains for the public to see. Speaking of (36-)Cs, head out to Hamilton Walk to retrieve your lost-and-found before your parents do!
Have your parents texted you lately? If not, get ready for an influx of two very specific nagging messages in your inbox. We’ve been alerted to a precious email that has been sent to all our parents and guardians. It suggests language for two crucial texts, which is some pretty hip lingo for the older generation, some of whom have hardly mastered The Interweb. Always looking out for our collective mental and physical well-being, Penn Campus Health “prescribed” these hilarious texts for the stressful finals period:
1. “Did you eat something green today?”
2. “Did you go outside today?”
At the end of the semester, relying on a chips-only diet and spending all daylight hours in Van Pelt is not uncommon, so we’re sure these reminders from our parents (inevitably written “u eat green 2day?? LOL”) would revolutionize everything. Excuse us while we frolic through Penn Park and eat lettuce!
It’s almost 2 in the afternoon, DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOUR SANDY IS? Well, your parents probably do, because judging from the many hilarious submissions of bizarre parental hurricane advice we got over the past few hours, we’re in for a rough couple of days.
Below are our favorites– completely unedited– that you sent in. So what kind of parent do you have?
The Perpetual Optimist
“Mikey, buy yourself some chocolates. The Dove ones with the messages. Your going to need some soothing once this dragon storm hits. Lots of hard HARD wind. Looking forward to seeing you over Thanksgiving. I can’t wait to meet that anti-Semitic girlfriend of yours.”
Read the rest of this entry »
PARENTS! They’re old. They’re a little insane. They usually “don’t” “get” “it.” And we still love them, especially when they try their hardest to make sure that we’re doing okay.
As you all know by now, Hurricane Sandy is almost upon us, and understandably, your parents are (probably) worried about your safety. The urgent calls, the strange texts, the emails written out in multiple colors? We love that ish– all those adorably weird pieces of advice that mommy and daddy have doled out over the past few days are comic gold. So send them in! Yup, submit your best pieces of parental hurricane advice by noon tomorrow and we’ll post the best ones tomorrow afternoon.
As a part of The Washington Post’s new College Tour ’10 series, parents and students summarize their campus touring experiences to be published in the Voices section. Oh sweet, we thought, another opportunity to hear how awesome Penn is. But as we read on, we were like, wait what? This parent totally hates us!
The anonymous submission says, “They talk a lot about the [renowned] business school, Wharton, on the general tour. They take you inside the building. It put us off.” While we can see how Wharton could be scary, we think the inside of Huntsman hall is kinda purty!
The hater went on to mention, “The other thing about Penn is that the admissions officer and tour guide talked a lot about being in the Ivy League. Nobody at the other Ivy League schools we visited did that.” Okay, we can see that. It’s kind of necessary though, since people tend to forget!
In the end, you can’t please everyone. Disgruntled parent, we’re so very sorry.
This would be the perfect submission, but we're not sure if Ben is a B.A. Candidate.
Today, 2010 College graduates received an e-mail from the Dean’s Advisory Board, requesting photo submissions for a CAS Graduation slide show. All of the graduates are sure to get teary-eyed looking at pictures of their 1500 best friends in the world having four years of zany times. The DAB asks that the photos are “tasteful” and “[limited] to those of just College students since it will be shown only to parents of students graduating from the College of Arts and Sciences.”
The guidelines make a lot of sense. First of all, after four long years spent snapping candids of our friends taking midterms, studying in Van Pelt, and listening to educational lectures with open ears and minds, we’re all swimming in “tasteful” photos.
Secondly, our families are definitely not trying to look at pictures of kids they don’t know. We can just hear Grammy shouting, “Who in tarnation is that kid? I’ve never seen him before in my life!” Then Uncle Pete will have to calm her down by explaining that the student was probably in Wharton or Engineering or even Nursing. It won’t make her feel better. Not at all.
So get your tasteful, liberal arts student-filled photos together and send them to Graduation2010@penndab.org. Not just because you could win a $25 gift certificate to a local restaurant, but because it takes a lot of time to play Vitamin C’s “Friends Forever,” Green Day’s “Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life),” Bette Midler’s “Wind Beneath My Wings” and R. Kelly’s “I Believe I Can Fly.”
Man, this weekend is going to be OFF THE CHAIN. Ever since we got that first Thanksgiving invite to sit at the grown-ups table, we have loved, loved, loved hanging with adults. And since Family Weekend starts today, they’re going to be everywhere! Walking around on Locust, taking their kids to Marathon, buying piles and piles of crap at the bookstore. So much fun! If that wasn’t awesome enough, Penn’s planned some sweet family activities. Check out the full schedule here and our picks for what you should hit up below.
Classes With Your Students
Friday, 10:00 – 4:00 p.m.
Hey parents, everybody really wants you to do this. Your children won’t be embarrassed, their classmates won’t be weirded out, and the professors won’t recognize you from high school and act all awkward. None of that will happen, so yeah, totally sit in on lecture and make sure to answer lots of questions and laugh real loud at every last one of the professor’s jokes. Read the rest of this entry »
Graduation weekend is a weird time, a weekend during which two totally separate worlds collide. There is the world of college and all that entails: your frat brothers, your girlie housemates, those guys and girls whose names you can’t remember (“Oh hey… you!”) . Then there is the world of your family, one of sibling rivalries, crazy grandmas and occasionally embarrassing parents. When these worlds meet on Locust Walk, awkwardness ensues. Along with the inherent awkward that arises when, say, your dad bumps into your one night stand outside ABP, there is the awkward that is captured in a glorious 3×5, forever to be on display in your parents’ house: the family photo. UTB is here to remind you that, no matter how awkward you think your family is this weekend (and you will feel very, very awkward) there are families out there who are Way More Awkward. Who have awkward oozing out their pores. The lovely folks over at awkwardfamilyphotos.com have compiled all these hilarious faces for your enjoyment, like in the awesome picture below!
A Street staffer e-mailed us the other day to tell us her aunt had friend-requested her, “and the ‘i’ll melt in your mouth’ slogan attached to the headpiece of my hershey’s kiss costume? NOT OKAY FOR HER TO SEE.” We’ve all been there. Below, read Adam Joseph Drici’s commentary on this growing epidemic.
Facebook has turned against us. All was fine and well when it was an online clubhouse for college kids. But now that it’s become, dare I say, a respectable Internet institution, we have to face the sad truth: Adults know how to use computers too.
Enter: Oh Crap, My Parents Joined Facebook, the blog that collects the resulting horror stories. Now, we can always hide our exploits and slap our parents/relatives with “limited profile” status — sorry Mom, I don’t really want you looking at photos of me in jorts and cowboy boots — but we’re completely powerless in regard to how they choose to embarrass us with their own online behavior. Read the rest of this entry »