Today was the best day for Seniors! It all started with an e-mail from the Office of the Provost with the subject, “Was Penn all you hoped it would be? Tell us! Take the Senior Survey.” Right off the bat, they baited us with a depressing use of the past tense, three different types of punctuation in one subject line, and a chance to take a critical look at our regrets from the past four years. But wait, there’s more! Turns out there is a major incentive for taking this survey, which takes a whopping “less than thirty minutes.” For every senior who completes it, $1 will be donated to the Seniors for the Penn Fund.
Hold on a second, Provost Vincent Price and Vice Provost Andrew Binns. Is this some type of internet scam? What’s next? You tell us to click on George Bush with a boxing glove cursor and promise us an iPod if we aim correctly? Promise us $1,000,000 for being the three hundredth Penn student to open your e-mail? Unfortunately we were unable to complete the survey due to severe, severe boredom, so there’s really no way of knowing.
The only question that really got us thinking was, “Would you encourage a high school senior who resembles you when you were a high school senior to attend Penn?” It wasn’t an option, oddly enough, but we would have answered “A high school senior with a face like that and a booty that does that belongs in Hollywood.”
Yes, seniors, that day has come. What day? The day your Bursar privileges have been taken away. PSYCH! You still have a couple months left to buy a computer/birth control/the entire 90210 DVD series for “free.” What you do need to do, however, is to fill out your graduation application.
Yeah, we thought fulfilling 5,691 requirements would qualify us for graduation, too. Not so. As per an excessively long email from the assistant dean for advising, seniors who are expecting to graduate in May need to fill out a grad application by February 15th.
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This could be you. How do you feel about that?
Next week, members of the Class of 2010 are invited to pose for Senior Portraits, to be featured in The Record, which (get this) is the Penn yearbook. We had no idea Penn even had a yearbook, but it does and apparently has since 1865. The question of whether or not to be in The Record is very similar to the “do I send my picture in for Penn Facebook?” debate of pre-Freshman summer. And just like that summer, we’re going to go with no, probably not.
That’s not just because of our too-cool attitude (although that’s definitely a major part of it), or the fact that we’re just getting over our high school yearbook photos. It’s because we can’t imagine ever paying for a copy of this thing, which from the looks of it, is a little heavy on the pictures of a capella groups and sporting events we didn’t attend front. It’s also because the thought of trying to get 2,000+ signatures is scarier than the possibility of forgetting 2,000+ inside jokes or missing out on 2,000+ “have a great summer..err…life” messages written in metallic purple gel pen.
There is, of course, one thing that will convince us to be in this yearbook, and that is our parents promising to take out a congratulatory ad. Preferably one that utilizes song lyrics, Comic Sans, a selection from Dr. Seuss, and pictures of us at different stages of our life (NO BATHTUB PICTURES, MOM! OR ELSE! SERIOUSLY, DO NOT EMBARRASS US!)
When we heard about the senior class board’s “Last Chance to Cuddle” party, we were all, “psssh, as if I’m going to send Brett Perlmutter a list of my crushes.” Based on past class board debacles involving user submissions, we guessed that the information would not exactly be secure. But then everybody started talking about the stupid cuddle party, and we were like, “fine, fine, we’ll check it out.” We visited the page, realized that if you start typing in your e-mail address and get a prompt to complete it that might mean that someone has already entered your name, and immediately became transfixed by the tantalizing possibility that someone might have a crush on us! So we opened up the excel spread sheet where we keep records of all our crushes, calculated the top ten using a complicated formula that incorporates height, future earning potential and number of Facebook friends, and submitted the top ten. Now we’re just crossing our fingers for a match. To all the dummies that submitted Gmail addresses rather than webmail addresses: we find your inability to follow directions endearing, see you at the concurrent “Last Chance to be Rejected” party at Ben & Jerry’s Friday night?
Buck up, Drexel, one day you'll have tents too
Apparently we’ve got a lot to learn before we can claim to understand the Drexel psyche. We thought we had a pretty peaceful co-existence with our neighbors to the north. Sure, we might have turned our noses up at them because we have a higher average SAT score, but we never would have guessed that so much arbitrary resentment lingered among the Drexel student body. Until an e-mail landed in our inbox that, well … basically aims to comfort Drexel students who are feeling sad that we have tents and they don’t. Really. The provost sent it out. You’ll just have to read it to believe it, because we have nothing else to add.
Folks,
Maybe you’ve noticed the tents erected on the green west of 33rd Street along Chestnut? Yes, it’s time for Penn seniors to graduate. I know many of you find this disconcerting, what with five weeks to go before this Drexel quarter ends. And to make matters worse, the weather is gorgeous – and promises to be so all week. Envy is seeping in; I can feel it. Resentment. The desire to be finished with papers, exams, labs, reports, stress, pressure, demands, and deadlines. Did I leave anything out? While last term may have represented the nadir of energy, this term breeds frustration. The end is in sight; well, almost in sight – or obscured by so many assignments that you despair of ever seeing summer, a beach, a lake, or a hammock (though today I spotted students sunbathing on the Quad).
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On Friday April 24 – as part of Hey Day 2009 – the Class of 2009 gathered on College Green to toast the Juniors in a new (although this one could join its ranks next year) tradition.
As Hey Day festivities commence, keep in mind Class of ‘09 Treasurer AJ Snyder’s plea, which made the listserv rounds last night:
So Hey Day is tomorrow and one of the biggest questions that has been on everyone’s minds is why throwing things like ketchup and other condiments a big deal. Students argue that it is a tradition, it is fun, and it is harmless.
Well aside from the fact that this tradition has only been around since 2002 when the Palladium closed, University sources have informed us that the condition of Locust Walk is so poor that the majority of it will have to be replaced if it has to be power washed again because of the extreme mess. You all have seen the walk recently and know that it has seen better days. Broken or missing bricks can be found all throughout it and there isn’t a week that goes by that you haven’t seen someone from facilities trying to fix spots. Further, this power washing that has to occur to clean up after the mess we leave behind not only dislodges more bricks, but also causes significant wear and tear on its surface.
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Hooray, we have some additions to our growing dossier of noninspirational career advice! Via the New York Times this weekend: “All Is Not Lost for the Class of 2009.” And via our very own Claire Kleiger of Career Services last week: “It’s tough but hang in there.” One of the great listserv e-mail headlines of its time, no? But read on, because it gets worse. Like telling us to take comfort in a broadway musical about puppets worse: “I leave you with another potential personal theme song from Avenue Q (can you tell it’s one of my favorite musicals?), ‘For Now,’ about a recent college grad from an ivy league institution struggling to figure out what to do with his life (sound familiar?). And, as the song says, remember that this poor economy is also ‘only for now.’” Oh, Career Services…thanks for that.
Now that it’s April, Hey Day draws nigh. Juniors, you know what that means: time to vote on your t-shirt design. The current options are posted on the Class of 2010’s website. History shows that the coolest design will probably not win; why, for example, was last year’s t-shirt Monopoly-themed? Still, you should go ahead and vote anyway. Voting goes until 11:59 tonight. Make it work, junior class.
Anyone know this guy? He went to Penn too!
This week, I was bitch slapped –- twice. On Tuesday, my responsible housemate sent out an email reminding friends that it was the last day the seniors could use bursar…forever. I am scared of people-money, especially since I’m hardcore humanities and can thus expect to make said people-money never. This yielded a $200 stress splurge as I stocked up on Penn gear after four years of not purchasing any from the institution: a Not Penn State t-shirt, hats plural, a sweatshirt, and mesh gym shorts that make me look I borrow clothes from my nonexistent boyfriend. Seriously, the one hat I had, I jacked from my little sister who wore it at camp for like a day to brag about me before she remembered who the fuck I was. And it was too small.
The second bitch slap came from pledging. That kind of sounds appropriate, especially with this being Greek Week, but this was the obligatory I-Won’t-Haze-the-Cane-Wielders-Who-Are-Asking-For-It-Anyway pledge. I mean, isn’t that why we participate in Hey Day? Last year, after I ran into my father on the street completely blacked out (his secretary told me later. He wouldn’t speak to me because I apparently boomeranged and crashed his lunch meeting), I was lucid enough after grabbing a pretzel to insist on walking on the outside so that I could be doused in syrup, mustard, ketchup, and something blue that is still wedged in my converse, almost one year later. But clearly I signed the thing because it means I get to go to a party.
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I've seen the future, and I can't afford it.
The bookstore’s so crowded today that we almost thought a new Harry Potter book was being released. But alas, the gridlock is just a herd of ‘09ers looking to pick up their grad robes. It’s so surreal–write down your name, your height, your weight, check a little box and poof! a set of robes for the last day of your college life. And even though you’ll never wear them after that, they still cost over $60. Haha, suckers.
(Pita) breadlines outside Greek Lady
Gee, Time magazine, thanks for pointing out that there won’t be any jobs for graduating seniors this year. We kind of had an inkling that something was up re: our future unemployment this morning when Career Services sent out a lovely pep talk in the form of an e-mail blast to the senior class. The subject line was: “Seniors — Freaking out about your post-grad job search?” Um, 1) Why shouldn’t we be freaking out? We are coddled college students who expect everything in life to be easy for us. Life is hard!!! 2) Wait, so if you’re saying we shouldn’t be freaking out, that means some people must be freaking out, and that freaks us out even more. So now that you mention it…hey seniors, let’s all freak out about this!
This will be the graduation of this generation of this decade.
Just because you have to graduate (sad) and leave all your friends (really sad) as you burst out of the Penn bubble into a world without jobs (wow, this is even sadder than we thought) doesn’t mean that Graduation itself can’t be fun! Right? The DAB is trying to make you feel just a little bit better – cheering you all up as Feb Club comes to an end, perhaps? – by making a photo slide show to show to parents at the College graduation. They want you to remember that the photos will be seen by mom and dad, so keep it clothed and kosher. If psuedo-celebrity in May isn’t motivation enough, think of this: “At the end of each month, we will have a random drawing from submitted photos for gift cards from local restaurants/bars like Smoke’s, Pod, Distrito and Mad4Mex.”
To be a part of this last-ever Class of ‘09 facebook album, email your pics to graduation@penndab.org
When seniors receive their $160,000 diplomas and SEO-based advice from our commencement speaker this May, five other notables will get honorary Penn degrees — doctorates! — for free. And we thought academia was the one place where “real world experience” didn’t matter.
Unsurprisingly, the achievements of the lucky five focus mostly on trendy environmental and international issues like microcredit and the preservation of Earth. Two are even Nobel Peace Prize winners. Which begs the question: why is Schmidt, whose Penn-manufactured bio lists no awards, the speaker this year?
See the press release bios for these five honorary recipients after the jump.
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The DP reports that this year’s graduation speaker will be Google CEO Eric Schmidt. Definitely an imaginitive selection. We’re not passing judgement yet, but we’ll note the following: 1) This will make three white males in a row. 2) Google wasn’t good enough to replace Webmail, but apparently it’s just dandy for commencement.
Today was the best day for Seniors! It all started with an e-mail from the Office of the Provost with the subject, “Was Penn all you hoped it would be? Tell us! Take the Senior Survey.” Right off the bat, they baited us with a depressing use of the past tense, three different types of punctuation in one subject line, and a chance to take a critical look at our regrets from the past four years. But wait, there’s more! Turns out there is a major incentive for taking this survey, which takes a whopping “less than thirty minutes.” For every senior who completes it, $1 will be donated to the Seniors for the Penn Fund.
