Shoutout season is upon us, so inhale the sweet, sweet smell of revenge. Lowbrow airs your grievances and tells you exactly who shit the bed, literally and figuratively. But never fear, the rest of the issue has so much more than ads you can use to wipe your tears.

Whether you’re a nostalgic senior or a lowly freshman, Highbrow gives you the chance to score a highly coveted Round Up Superlative. Hey, at least they don’t use your yearbook picture! If that’s not enough to get you in the mood for a vacation, Ego helps you choose your own summer adventure (spoiler: that’s not code for a Goldman internship), Music goes cross country to scope out the best festivals, and Food and Drink pick out the best chilly snacks around Philly that are sure to keep you cool. If you’d rather beat the heat inside an air–conditioned theatre, well that just sucks. Film explains why. And in honor of Throwback Thursday (if you’re into that, no judgement) Art goes back in time to the best of Penn poets past. Finally, this week’s feature tackles abstinence (or lackthereof) by choice (or lackthereof) at Penn. Oh, and robots are taking over the world in the international Robocup. Let the games begin…

With Ever–loving, Maraschino–sweet, unpopped love,

Street

Seems like things have been getting frisky in the M&T office, according to this email, recently sent by an administrator for the Jerome Fisher Program in Management and Technology.

Although the nature of the “inappropriate behavior” wasn’t specified, we think it may have had something to do with a senior’s recent answer to a Street survey. Weirdest place one guy ever hooked up? “M&T office. Free printing AND a blowjob.” The stress must be getting to you. Next time, though, we suggest you take it somewhere more private (Van Pelt stacks anyone?)

Desperate to impress that special someone this V-Day? Girlfriend/boyfriend/hall-cest-mate disappointed with your lackluster performance in bed? Check out Moregasm, presented by SPEC, Wharton Alliance, PCUW and the Penn Women’s Center to benefit the Vagina Monologues, tonight at 7 p.m. in the Harrison Sky Lounge.

Professional Sexuality Educators Avital and Laura of NYC’s illustrious female-friendly sex toy shop, Babeland, are hosting a workshop on the anatomy of pleasure. All genders, sexual orientations, and slightly disturbing fetishes are welcome. Go. Take a friend. Have a good time.

Yesterday, the NYTimes cast a spotlight on a group of eight Penn freshmen who are questioning not only traditional gender norms but traditional LGBT norms as well, and dubbed them Generation LGBTQIA.

“Q” can mean “questioning” or “queer,” an umbrella term itself … “I” is for “intersex,” someone whose anatomy is not exclusively male or female. And “A” stands for “ally” (a friend of the cause) or “asexual,” characterized by the absence of sexual attraction.

Despite the booming activity and many successful efforts of the LGBT community at Penn, these freshmen hope particularly to expand the definitions and awareness of “non-cisgender” people, or people whose gender identities don’t align with their biological sex. While the L, G and B are heavily emphasized at Penn, these students aim to address the void left by the other letters.

It’s a post-gay world out there, folks. Read about it.

Well thank GOD it isn’t just us! The long-necked pumpkin has riled us up for quite some time now (ask our high school boyfriend, he can confirm) and Capogiro seems to feel the same. This veggie’s got Capo feeling virile, and they aint’ afraid to show it. Seems a bit out of character for the always-aloof, cranky-staffed coffee shop. But hey! Leave it to a giant phallic gourd to un-crank even the snottiest barista!

Attention freshmen and freshwomen: NSO (for those living under a rock, NSO = New Student Orientation) is approaching! It’s a well-known fact that Orientation weekend is second-to-none– at least during the Fall semester (sorry, Fling is totes better). Of course, with plenty of things to do, the first few days at Penn are chaotic. But not all school-sponsored events are created equal, so we’re here to tell you what’s what on Locust (ya know, that sidewalk through the middle of campus) and beyond. Come along, new friends!

Wednesday

Target Trip (2pm; International and Exchange Students-The Button/Van Pelt Library): Maybe. If you’re on campus this early as a freshie, you’re trying too hard– or you’re just an international student, which would make sense. The university-run shopping spree is not an activity to write home about, but it’s a good way to kill two hours if you can’t bear the thought of letting down your future roommate with the clashing bedspread you brought from halfway around the world.

Read the rest of this entry »

Penn released its semi-annual list of campus-wide CCTV locations yesterday, as per the University Policy (yes, there’s a policy on such matters). For the uninformed, the list details all 218 locations of cameras, from 30th to 46th. Every garage roof, street corner, and lab is being watched.

If you have your sights set on sex under the button, we guarantee you won’t be the only one: yep, the sculpture has its own camera (#102 on the list), as does urine-covered Ben (#44). But if you truly can’t bear the thought of graduating without sex sub-structure, we recommend being subtle—or quick. Oh, and when you’re finished, make your getaway by foot. There are 8 cameras watching the bike racks (#121-128).

When I came to Penn, I thought of myself as a poster child for anonymous hookups. As a naive freshman, nothing seemed better, but the trouble with having a bunch of one-night stands began at my freshman year sorority bid party. I started making out with a good-looking guy. I was confident with him, kind of bitchy; it was hot. He asked me to guess which frat he was in, but I couldn’t. “You’ll see when we go there,” he said. It wasn’t a suggestion or a question—and I liked that, because it was obvious I was going home with him. He was teasing, being kind of an asshole. Exactly what I wanted. He never even asked my name.

We went back to his house, where we put on some music, drank more, danced around and made out. He finally asked my name when he was saving my number in his phone, but part of the excitement of the hook up—all hook ups, for that matter—was the anonymity, so I didn’t tell him. “Just save it as Wednesday Night,” I tried to say seductively (it was probably just embarrassing). After I spent the night, he never called. I was slightly disappointed, but I took it in stride. Read the rest of this entry »

Here’s something that recently made its way into our inbox. At first, it’s just another Penn alum trying to get in on the college-dating-turned-online-business venture, but if you keep reading, you’ll eventually realize—with horror—that this half-clever, half-desperate, all-nostalgic plea will probably be you two years after graduation.

Dearest Fellow Quakers,

I am a 2009 alum, and I am writing to you from a kneeling chair in San Francisco to tell you about a new website that will enable you to have more sex. It’s tough in the Ivy League, I know, and there’s so much pressure with the Button story and all – I had enough trouble getting it at 3am on my twin mattress when I was there. But today, with the help of the internet, everything will be easier. Meet Circl.es.

Back when I was frolicking through the Quad, hooking up was easier. If you didn’t end your night at Smokey Joe’s or at Sammy with a drunken makeout, you’d simply come home and start Poking people on Facebook. It was like ringing a bell – bootycalls would come running. Read the rest of this e-mail after the jump.

Are you the bee’s knees in bed? Buzz off (JKJK we luv u bb, stay). Regardless of your sexual prowess, VagMons is co-sponsoring an educational workshop regarding S-E-X from which even the sexiest of sexy sexters can learn.

The workshop, led by renowned Human Sexuality educator and consultant(!!!) Al Vernacchio, is titled “Have Great Sex: Optimizing Your Sex Life” and will be nothing like the Sex Ed you experienced in middle school (looking at you, “educational” “pamphlets”). Check out the dirrty deetz below:

Who: Al Vernacchio
What: Have Great Sex: Optimizing Your Sex Life
When: TOMORROW, 2/21, at 7 p.m.
Where: Claudia Cohen G17
Why: Suggested donation is $5, and all proceeds go to Women Organized Against Rape, which is, like, a pretty sweet deal considering you’ll be learning how to have all the sexy times, yeah? We think so too.