FeaturesApril 15, 2014 at 3:29 pm

Your Fling Photos Are In: Reliving Spring Fling 2K14

flingstanleyAs we collectively wallow in this rainy post-Fling Tuesday, we can only hope ya didn’t have to untag too many pictures or explain to your parents why they received a Dominos pizza delivery at 2am on Saturday (It’s a long not even a long story).

Either way, this moody weather gives us the perfect excuse to reflect on what transpired this past weekend, and there’s no better medium to do this than through the contemporary photograph. Without further ado about nothing, here’s our roundup of the Fling photos you sent us, or hashtagged with #flingstagram:





Nothing unites strangers like the 3am drive for calories. Here we observe an eclectic medley of organisms gathering around the oasis that is ol’ McDonald’s.



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PennetrationMarch 4, 2014 at 10:18 pm

UTB After Dark: Pennetration, Edition 9

After a two year hiatus, UTB After Dark is proud and scandalized to present the grand, salacious return of our notorious anonymous sex diary, Pennetration. Once an infamous weekly feature in 2010, the column made a comeback in 2012. Caught up, underclassmen? Tonight, the ninth edition makes its debut – this time courtesy of a man. Names are changed to protect identity, as they always will be…were you to spill your sauciest anecdotes to contact@underthebutton.com.

I met “Bernadette” at church, obviously. Cincinnati’s finest indie rock band was playing a show at First Unitarian, and I had neglected to buy a ticket. The show was sold out, but I decided to flex my formidable scalping skills and go anyway.

While casing the line for potential losers whose friends had bailed and left them with extra tickets, I spotted an attractive girl looking lonely and half-heartedly calling out for unwanted tickets. Seizing on this obvious sexual opportunity, I swooped in. My game was in rare form that night—in just a few minutes, I learned that her prominent and illegible forearm tattoos were written in Icelandic, why she was looking for tickets and what her phone number was. Read the rest of this entry »

ShutterButtonFebruary 16, 2014 at 11:13 pm

UTB After Dark: More Than A Nip Slip (NSFW)

Everyone would be more than okay with this weekend being a wrap on snow for the winter. Luckily, some brilliant Penn17ers made the most of the stuff before it melted into slush and black ice. Mucho love and kudos to the inhabitants of the Nipple in Fisher Hassenfeld, who crafted this uber-explicit work of art. The visionary Quad frosh helped this snowman and woman get down with their bad selves, complete with kinky props and (real?) glasses.

As a former Nipple dweller, this post’s author salutes his successors’ masterpiece, which is easily the best snow sculpture to hit campus in three years. So proud.

FeaturesFebruary 14, 2014 at 5:35 pm

VP Gems: Valentine Edition

Introducing our newest feature, VP Gems, in which we see what Penn’s immense library catalog has to offer. 

When it comes to love, few humans possess as encyclopedic a knowledge of the stuff as our own brutalist fortress of information, Van Pelt Library. We took to the stacks (read: online catalog) to see what we could find.


250px-LoveandHumanLove And Its Vicissitudes (call no. BF175.5.L68 G74 2005): Your SAT word of the day, ‘vicissitudes’ refers to an unwelcome change in circumstances or fortune. This book sounds like a downer.

Love and Nausea (call no. PR6073.I457 L68 1995): Could this refer to our endless love affair with plastic bottle liquors?

Love and Human Remains ( call no. PR9199.3.F7175 U64 2006): This is a play, and judging from that cover image, just may be NSFW.

Love and Lockjaw, a black-face farce, in one scene. (call no. 812 W676La): Listen, we’re cutting to the chase, this is probably incredibly racist. It’s also from 1845. At least it’s short? Read the rest of this entry »

NewsDecember 23, 2013 at 12:24 pm

Crazy Penn Students Do WHAT WHERE?!

You’ve only been home for a couple days and you’re already Pennsick, right? Buzzfeed took the liberty to remind us that underneath the Ivy academics, illustrious faculty, and promise of careers at big fancy companies, we’re all just a buncha pervs tryna get lucky under the button. We at UTB couldn’t be prouder that our namesake is on Buzzfeed’s 6 cRaZiEsT College Traditions.

NewsOctober 20, 2013 at 10:17 am

Bristol Palin To Make Her Penn Debut?

A proud teen mama, (and Teen Pregnancy Prevention Ambassador…huh,) Bristol Palin has travelled the U.S. advocating for abstinence, earning her the name “The Worst Person In The World”.  Now, thanks to some questionably-legit fliers, she’s coming to Penn! No offense B, but Penn kids are active, and the university dishes out more free condoms than acceptance letters. But hey, make yourself at home, just don’t be shocked when we choose bad sex over no sex.

NewsSeptember 25, 2013 at 12:45 pm

Get A Room (And Get Lucky)

Screen Shot 2013-09-24 at 11-1.13.47 PM

Sexy can I, er, book us a room in VP? From the looks of it, two (or more) Penn students had a rather productive and promiscuous morning! Happy hump day Room 404, enjoy that mid-morning delight (looking at you Gilded Age Group, 2 hours is plenty).

NSOAugust 26, 2013 at 3:24 pm

Penn Sounds No One Wants To Hear

new-image-for-sound1-150x150As all Freshmen (and a few upperclassmen) know, this year has been ceremoniously crowned the YEAR OF SOUND. In keeping with this theme, we at UTB have decided to give you some information about a few sounds that probably weren’t covered in orientation.

The Sound: Sirens
The Reasons: Sirens at Penn have a few possible points of origin. It could be the police chasing down a criminal who will soon be featured in a Penn Alert text your parents will call you about. It could be cops deciding 2am is a good time to shut down your party. Alternatively, depending on how close they are, it could be an ambulance coming to MERT you.
The Move: Run. Though in the third case you probably won’t get very far.

The Sound: Moaning
The Reasons: Perhaps your roommate is enjoying some fun a’la Kate Taylor, or he/she is in serious physical pain.
The Moves: Either way, back slowly out of the room. If stuck, pretend to be asleep, it’s better this way.

The Sound: Scurrying
The Reasons: Whether it’s a mouse in the dining hall, a squirrel in your ceiling, or a cockroach in your brightly colored storage bins, pests are a part of Penn life not mentioned in info sessions.
The Moves: Shriek as loud as possible and climb onto the highest surface available. Adopt it a as pet (If You Give a Mouse Insomnia). Pray.

The Sound: A Pulsating Bass
The Reasons: You live too close to an off-campus frat house. Or some kid in your hall needs house music to “study.”
The Moves: Purchase earplugs. File a noise complaint (editor’s note: don’t do this). Find the party–if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.


NewsJuly 22, 2013 at 2:19 pm

Stephen Colbert Takes On Kate Taylor’s Sexposé

You know you’ve made it when you’re lampooned on national TV, so trend piece journalist/Penn sex fiend Kate Taylor is a major success story! That’s right, the one and only Stephen Colbert devoted a few minutes of his Report last week to “She Can Play That Game, Too.” The clip doesn’t seem to be going as social media viral as certain Quakers’ rebuttals to the offensive/biased/dismissive/long article, so if you haven’t seen it, indulge in the anchor’s satirical rampage of Taylor’s piece. While he doesn’t name drop Penn (this time) and keeps his critique comical rather than substantive, the underlying message about the article’s thesis being inherently obvious is legit. And that’s The Word.

FeaturesJuly 18, 2013 at 2:13 pm

Penn Community Reacts Via Social Media To NYT Hookup “Exposé”

Credit: Amanda Suarez, The DP

Credit: Amanda Suarez, The DP

Did you hear about that woman who spent an absurdly long time on campus to write an absurdly long New York Times article that was absurdly non-groundbreaking? Yeah, you did, and your great-aunt called to discuss how “sad” and “empty” your existence must be.

Regardless, the Times is surely sittin’ peachy this week as Kate Taylor’s trend piece is the paper’s most emailed and is getting tons of buzz nationwide. Of course, commentary about the article has dominated Quakers’ news feeds and Twitters, criticizing everything from the article’s limited pool of profiled subjects to its casual insertion of a sexual assault.

The DP talked to students, administrators and experts. Now, check out an incomprehensive collection of Penn’s angry, sassy social media rants – and feel free to add your two cents in the comments. Read the rest of this entry »