A proud teen mama, (and Teen Pregnancy Prevention Ambassador…huh,) Bristol Palin has travelled the U.S. advocating for abstinence, earning her the name “The Worst Person In The World”. Now, thanks to some questionably-legit fliers, she’s coming to Penn! No offense B, but Penn kids are active, and the university dishes out more free condoms than acceptance letters. But hey, make yourself at home, just don’t be shocked when we choose bad sex over no sex.
Sexy can I, er, book us a room in VP? From the looks of it, two (or more) Penn students had a rather productive and promiscuous morning! Happy hump day Room 404, enjoy that mid-morning delight (looking at you Gilded Age Group, 2 hours is plenty).
As all Freshmen (and a few upperclassmen) know, this year has been ceremoniously crowned the YEAR OF SOUND. In keeping with this theme, we at UTB have decided to give you some information about a few sounds that probably weren’t covered in orientation.
The Sound: Sirens
The Reasons: Sirens at Penn have a few possible points of origin. It could be the police chasing down a criminal who will soon be featured in a Penn Alert text your parents will call you about. It could be cops deciding 2am is a good time to shut down your party. Alternatively, depending on how close they are, it could be an ambulance coming to MERT you.
The Move: Run. Though in the third case you probably won’t get very far.
The Sound: Moaning
The Reasons: Perhaps your roommate is enjoying some fun a’la Kate Taylor, or he/she is in serious physical pain.
The Moves: Either way, back slowly out of the room. If stuck, pretend to be asleep, it’s better this way.
The Sound: Scurrying
The Reasons: Whether it’s a mouse in the dining hall, a squirrel in your ceiling, or a cockroach in your brightly colored storage bins, pests are a part of Penn life not mentioned in info sessions.
The Moves: Shriek as loud as possible and climb onto the highest surface available. Adopt it a as pet (If You Give a Mouse Insomnia). Pray.
The Sound: A Pulsating Bass
The Reasons: You live too close to an off-campus frat house. Or some kid in your hall needs house music to “study.”
The Moves: Purchase earplugs. File a noise complaint (editor’s note: don’t do this). Find the party–if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.
You know you’ve made it when you’re lampooned on national TV, so trend piece journalist/Penn sex fiend Kate Taylor is a major success story! That’s right, the one and only Stephen Colbert devoted a few minutes of his Report last week to “She Can Play That Game, Too.” The clip doesn’t seem to be going as social media viral as certain Quakers’ rebuttals to the offensive/biased/dismissive/long article, so if you haven’t seen it, indulge in the anchor’s satirical rampage of Taylor’s piece. While he doesn’t name drop Penn (this time) and keeps his critique comical rather than substantive, the underlying message about the article’s thesis being inherently obvious is legit. And that’s The Word.
Did you hear about that woman who spent an absurdly long time on campus to write an absurdly long New York Times article that was absurdly non-groundbreaking? Yeah, you did, and your great-aunt called to discuss how “sad” and “empty” your existence must be.
Regardless, the Times is surely sittin’ peachy this week as Kate Taylor’s trend piece is the paper’s most emailed and is getting tons of buzz nationwide. Of course, commentary about the article has dominated Quakers’ news feeds and Twitters, criticizing everything from the article’s limited pool of profiled subjects to its casual insertion of a sexual assault.
The DP talked to students, administrators and experts. Now, check out an incomprehensive collection of Penn’s angry, sassy social media rants – and feel free to add your two cents in the comments. Read the rest of this entry »
Shoutout season is upon us, so inhale the sweet, sweet smell of revenge. Lowbrow airs your grievances and tells you exactly who shit the bed, literally and figuratively. But never fear, the rest of the issue has so much more than ads you can use to wipe your tears.
Whether you’re a nostalgic senior or a lowly freshman, Highbrow gives you the chance to score a highly coveted Round Up Superlative. Hey, at least they don’t use your yearbook picture! If that’s not enough to get you in the mood for a vacation, Ego helps you choose your own summer adventure (spoiler: that’s not code for a Goldman internship), Music goes cross country to scope out the best festivals, and Food and Drink pick out the best chilly snacks around Philly that are sure to keep you cool. If you’d rather beat the heat inside an air–conditioned theatre, well that just sucks. Film explains why. And in honor of Throwback Thursday (if you’re into that, no judgement) Art goes back in time to the best of Penn poets past. Finally, this week’s feature tackles abstinence (or lackthereof) by choice (or lackthereof) at Penn. Oh, and robots are taking over the world in the international Robocup. Let the games begin…
With Ever–loving, Maraschino–sweet, unpopped love,
Seems like things have been getting frisky in the M&T office, according to this email, recently sent by an administrator for the Jerome Fisher Program in Management and Technology.
Although the nature of the “inappropriate behavior” wasn’t specified, we think it may have had something to do with a senior’s recent answer to a Street survey. Weirdest place one guy ever hooked up? “M&T office. Free printing AND a blowjob.” The stress must be getting to you. Next time, though, we suggest you take it somewhere more private (Van Pelt stacks anyone?)
Desperate to impress that special someone this V-Day? Girlfriend/boyfriend/hall-cest-mate disappointed with your lackluster performance in bed? Check out Moregasm, presented by SPEC, Wharton Alliance, PCUW and the Penn Women’s Center to benefit the Vagina Monologues, tonight at 7 p.m. in the Harrison Sky Lounge.
Professional Sexuality Educators Avital and Laura of NYC’s illustrious female-friendly sex toy shop, Babeland, are hosting a workshop on the anatomy of pleasure. All genders, sexual orientations, and slightly disturbing fetishes are welcome. Go. Take a friend. Have a good time.
Yesterday, the NYTimes cast a spotlight on a group of eight Penn freshmen who are questioning not only traditional gender norms but traditional LGBT norms as well, and dubbed them Generation LGBTQIA.
“Q” can mean “questioning” or “queer,” an umbrella term itself … “I” is for “intersex,” someone whose anatomy is not exclusively male or female. And “A” stands for “ally” (a friend of the cause) or “asexual,” characterized by the absence of sexual attraction.
Despite the booming activity and many successful efforts of the LGBT community at Penn, these freshmen hope particularly to expand the definitions and awareness of “non-cisgender” people, or people whose gender identities don’t align with their biological sex. While the L, G and B are heavily emphasized at Penn, these students aim to address the void left by the other letters.
Well thank GOD it isn’t just us! The long-necked pumpkin has riled us up for quite some time now (ask our high school boyfriend, he can confirm) and Capogiro seems to feel the same. This veggie’s got Capo feeling virile, and they aint’ afraid to show it. Seems a bit out of character for the always-aloof, cranky-staffed coffee shop. But hey! Leave it to a giant phallic gourd to un-crank even the snottiest barista!