Gossip Squirrel here. Your one and only source into the lives of Penn’s scandalous elite. Except not cultural elite—it’s only senior superlatives. Spotted: some thankful Penn students SABSing on the Van Pelt couches just longing for Thanksgiving break. Although the winter blues might be causing a serious lack of drama, I can tell you who’s going down next: Daughtry.
And here’s a scandal for you: my sources tell me that two Penn frosh went on a blind date with some mood lighting. Dating? “Dinner and a movie?” So passé. Unless it’s Pod or White Dog, you’re not good enough for Gossip Squirrel.
Tis the season for Shoutouts-- LowBrow wants you to bare your soul, with a spoonful of truth and a hint (or heap) of vengeance. Speak your mind with no strings attached! They had it coming anyway. Submit your shoutouts here!
Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the betchiest of them all? Penn is. Well, sort of. Penn came in a close second in The Official Betchiest Ranking of the Ivy League, losing to Harvard and beating Princeton by only one point. Although we lost, “The Betches” applauded 34th Street’s Shoutouts and our superb partying skills.
What didn’t “The Betches” like? Our location. They must not realize the drunken importance of having 2 Wawas right on campus.
We still won in the categories that are near and dear to our hearts: we party hard, we’re smoking hot and we have the best Greek life. First is the worst, second is the best. Right?
Shoutout season is upon us, so inhale the sweet, sweet smell of revenge. Lowbrow airs your grievances and tells you exactly who shit the bed, literally and figuratively. But never fear, the rest of the issue has so much more than ads you can use to wipe your tears.
Whether you’re a nostalgic senior or a lowly freshman, Highbrow gives you the chance to score a highly coveted Round Up Superlative. Hey, at least they don’t use your yearbook picture! If that’s not enough to get you in the mood for a vacation, Ego helps you choose your own summer adventure (spoiler: that’s not code for a Goldman internship), Music goes cross country to scope out the best festivals, and Food and Drink pick out the best chilly snacks around Philly that are sure to keep you cool. If you’d rather beat the heat inside an air–conditioned theatre, well that just sucks. Film explains why. And in honor of Throwback Thursday (if you’re into that, no judgement) Art goes back in time to the best of Penn poets past. Finally, this week’s feature tackles abstinence (or lackthereof) by choice (or lackthereof) at Penn. Oh, and robots are taking over the world in the international Robocup. Let the games begin…
With Ever–loving, Maraschino–sweet, unpopped love,
Try to think back, before your headache and irritable stomach, before the substances and barbecue that made them thus, before you even donned your Fl1nG T4NK on Friday. On Thursday, UTB gave you some homework. Now we’re collecting it.
1. Submit your Shoutouts (cause, like, they’re DUE TOMORROW and you haven’t yet) to the box over thurr —>
2. Send us your pics with Fling Stanley so that you can become Internet Famous.
Don’t even think about taking advantage of VP’s extended study hours and doing work this Fling weekend. However, you have three homework assignments to complete amidst the debauchery:
1. Submit to SHOUTOUTS. Oh-we-oh-we-oh-we-oh.
2. Take pics with FLING STANLEY. Bonus if A-Gut photo-bombs.
3. Tip us your greatest TEXTS FROM FLING.
That’s right, for the third straight Fling, we’ll be compiling your greatest texts from the weekend for an upcoming UTB feature! Send ‘em in to email@example.com all weekend! Include yo area code so it looks like this:
(215): Hii hiow far does pennride go out???!! i’m stranded in Viullanova HELP ME IM POOR
Shout ‘em out, shout ‘em out! That’s right, kiddies: trees are blossoming, finals are looming, and flings are getting flung. But perhaps the most important spring tradition of all is upon us: Shoutouts. 34th Street presents your bi-annual opportunity to tell that hot professor, your klepto roommate, and the mouth–breather in your history recitation exactly how you feel. Submit your anonymous messages of love (or hate or lust) to your roomies/enemies/lovers/UTB editors (please?) via firstname.lastname@example.org, Street’s website OR that sexy fuchsia tip box to the right — Britney approves.
You know, a lot of guys be thinkin’ Rodin shoutouts are about them. This is not to get confused, this one’s for you. Kevin, you they everything, you all they ever wanted. You can do it real big, bigger than you’ve ever done it. You be up on everything, other guys ain’t never on it. They say you da you da best, you da you da best, you da you da best, you da you da best. You the best they ever had, best they ever had, best they ever had, best they ever had.