34th Street MagazineNovember 21, 2013 at 9:00 am

STREET Presents: Shoutouts and Senior Superlatives!

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Gossip Squirrel here. Your one and only source into the lives of Penn’s scandalous elite. Except not cultural elite—it’s only senior superlatives. Spotted: some thankful Penn students SABSing on the Van Pelt couches just longing for Thanksgiving break. Although the winter blues might be causing a serious lack of drama, I can tell you who’s going down next: Daughtry.

And here’s a scandal for you: my sources tell me that two Penn frosh went on a blind date with some mood lighting. Dating? “Dinner and a movie?” So passé. Unless it’s Pod or White Dog, you’re not good enough for Gossip Squirrel.

But if my dish isn’t enough for you, there’s always your own submissions. You may think I’m bad, but you’re your own worst enemy

And who am I? That’s one secret I’ll never tell. You know you love me.

XOXO, Gossip Squirrel

34th Street MagazineNovember 14, 2013 at 9:00 am

STREET Presents: From the Middle Kingdom to the Mid–Atlantic

Screen Shot 2013-11-13 at 11.14.37 PM Caught in the act of a duckface selfie, and your life can’t sink any lower. Talk to your doctor about how Street could be right for you. This week Highbrow checks out Penn goodies for sale on eBay, and you can bet that we’re just waiting for someone to auction off Amy G’s used kleenexes. We have a hunch they’d go for more than our degrees are worth. We also investigated how Penn degrees can help you in the arts.

Here’s 23 Reasons Why Reading Street Will Restore Your Faith in Humanity
Let’s talk about the line for Magic Carpet. It’s longer than the biggest penis on campus. Also, is the name a reference to Aladdin? And is that Coldplay and Rihanna song “Princess of China” about Mulan? So many questions. Anyway, in the Disney spirit, we’ll sign off: May the force be with you… or should we say live long and prosper? And speaking of nerds that are out of this world, Ego talked to the senior guys of BMOC. We just hope none of them are participating in No Shave November.
And submit those shoutouts!!!!!! Soy vey.
34th Street MagazineNovember 7, 2013 at 9:00 am

STREET Presents: Success

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Happy homecoming, Quakers ducklings. Before all the celebrating begins, be sure to pick up a copy of Street. We’ve got picks for your playlist this weekend (wait, what, no, of course I didn’t put Aaron’s Party on! That would be so embarrassing. Spotify must have made a mistake) plus recommendations for the best Penn spirit wear. You can bursar bandeaus! Also in the athletics-themed festival spirit, some football players shared their deepest and darkest secrets with us. And we put it on the backpage. Highbrow also has this thing where they predict your fortune based on your astrological sign. It’s 137% accurate, we swear. Food and Drink pits HipCityVeg against McDonalds. We learned that a groothie a day keeps the doctor away, but we don’t even want to think about what Chicken McNuggets do.

Quick: Throwback Thursday! Anyone still watch HIMYM? Remember at Penn Preview Days when you had to take a dramatic picture outside Platt for the stupid scavenger hunt? Yeah… oh, and Lowbrow’s got mail. Remember AOL?!
BREAKING NEWS - Startup spelled backwards is put rats! Put rats where? I don’t know! If anyone knows where to put the rats, please let us know at genehackbar@yahoo.com.
34th Street MagazineOctober 31, 2013 at 8:00 am

SREET Presents: The Alcohol Issue

Screen Shot 2013-10-30 at 11.19.29 PMHappy Halloween, Streetures! (street creatures) All the midterms this week are making us feel pretty meh. So we have another Meh List for you, Halloween edition. Speaking of the holiday, are you going out tonight? We are! Here’s hoping you can both down drinks like they’re candy and avoid MERT… successful night, right? Well, some people call blacking out a successful night of drinking. Street investigates the blackout rage that’s sweeping the nation (and not everyone drinks Banker’s). Even Lowbrow took part in some alcohol festivities. But if you’re in the mood for a sober Halloween, you can always celebrate by watching a few horror movies. And we’ve still got some treats for you Halloween haters (no tricks are necessary): Arcade Fire has a new album out, and we take on the fancy pants new Singh Center for Nanotechnology.

Until next week,


xoxo Grammar Girl (not to be confused with PBS’ popular educational TV show, Word Girl)
34th Street MagazineOctober 24, 2013 at 9:00 am

STREET Presents: Club Dead

Screen Shot 2013-10-23 at 10.45.46 PMIs Halloween 2spooky4u? Well too bad, because this week’s issue of Street is all about spooky spots. Seriously, after getting high after midnight, the Biopond can manifest a chill in your bones. Though, Arts provides an informative piece on the Laurel Hill Cemetery. Maybe try exploring that after your weekend smoke? That’ll make for an interesting dispatch…

Aside from Theos being scared shitless after the delightful discovery that their Google Group is public, you may be shocked to learn that Wes Anderson is indeed an auteur. What’s an auteur? It’s about as complex as the fucked up frosh Lowbrow interviewed this week. Disclaimer: THIS GIRL IS RATCHET. But we love her as much as Wes.
Werewolf bar mitzvahs: spooky scary boys becoming men, men becoming wolves. It’s what college hookups are all about: coming of age. To help you in your pursuits of happiness, Music guides you through the first glance of your newest hookup’s apartment: those posters of famous musicians. It’s not time to shine. Just shine bright like a diamond when the full moon is out on your quest to werewolf-dom.
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34th Street MagazineOctober 17, 2013 at 10:50 am

STREET Presents: Swipe, Click, Tap

Screen Shot 2013-10-17 at 10.28.39 AMOh. My. God. Becky, look at 34th Street! It is so good. Fall driiiiiinkz. Music rivalriez. PhillyPhilmPhest: HowDoYouFeelAboutAllThePhs??? Our PH level is so off the charts it’s basic.

Did you sign a lease for your house next year? We forgot to. We can always live in the quad or Hill like a freshman, right? Or DuBoyz? Not gonna lie, we just really want some more swipes right… ):

Hooray!!! The government’s open! POST offices are killin it, and they never even stopped! (Cause we can’t stop (referencing Miley (triple parenthetical inception woahhh)))

Awww, it was so nice catching up with you! You always know the best gossip [LB]! Especially after break, it feels like I haven’t seen you in forever! You know, that fall break we had only this past weekend? Yeah… but anyways, we should, like, totally do lunch! 

34th Street MagazineSeptember 26, 2013 at 7:00 am

STREET Presents: Checking In/Checking Out

Screen Shot 2013-09-25 at 11.06.07 PMYo, yo, yo, Street is in da house, coming to you live from 4015 ‘nut. And this week we’ve got everything: red velvet pot cupcakes, hippity-hoppin’ #tbt party jamz and even some hybrid snuggie-slapchop-magicbullet-shamwows.

But if that whole scene’s not for you, Street now has super-exclusive sports coverage. (We like sportz, and we don’t care who knows). Women’s basketball is our fav: DP Sports better watch out! Or, if you’re someone who NEEDS to stop at every historical marker, aka a history nerd buff, you can stalk the former Philadelphia homes of famous artists. Some people just have it all together. You know, that person who aces every OCR interview, or Venmos their favorite homeless woman (her name is Tanya).
But sometime’s it’s okay not to have it all together. Seriously, read about it. But if you find yourself at University Pinball Family Fun Center, chances are you’re doing something wrong.
34th Street MagazineSeptember 5, 2013 at 10:16 am

STREET Presents: Previously On…

Screen Shot 2013-09-04 at 11.16.50 PMWelcome to Penn, Class of 2017. We’re sure you’re the best and brightest Penn has ever seen—but maybe your Facebook group begs to differ? We don’t. No matter who you are or where you’re from, chances are you’ll find yourself in one of Penn’s food recycling fine dining establishments—if you’re not into the 20 hummus options of the day, check our hacks for DIY dining hall delights.

We also hope you had a good summer. We missed you a lot. So much so that we wanna blur your lines. Or do we wanna get lucky? Not sure. Maybe we should ask someone who worked with the Fairly Oddparents. Wait, is that a show or characters? Nevermind.

Did you have a good weekend? We did. We don’t really remember though, ’cause we made it in America. MIA at MIA? Check out these upcoming fall festivals (that don’t include Beyonce’s thighs). 

To those of you returning from abroad, maybe you want to make some resolutions for the semester. Or not. Still, most of us weren’t here over the summer, so let Street give you a quick once–over of what’s new at Penn. WaWa is the bomb.

NewsJuly 30, 2013 at 2:26 pm

People Who Went To Penn: Elizabeth L Silver

9780385347433Looking for a good book to cram in before your reading list becomes more text books than page turners? Look no further than this Penn grad’s debut novel, The Execution of Noa P Singleton.

Like Elizabeth Silver (C’01), the book’s title character went to Penn! However unlike Silver, and most Penn students, Noa Singleton happened to drop out and wind up on death row. Some might say she got her degree…in murder! (Sorry, couldn’t help ourselves) Most relevant to us, Silver included numerous shoutouts to life on Penn’s campus, even VP gets a mention!

After graduating from Penn, Silver did everything from teaching English in Costa Rica to working for publisher in NYC, before becoming a criminal lawyer. Like a true overachieving Penn student, Silver combined her varied interests to create one of the summer’s hottest novels. Check out her interview with 34th Street to learn more about one of Penn’s newest famous alumni.

34th Street MagazineApril 18, 2013 at 5:25 am

STREET Presents: Unpopped

Picture 35Shoutout season is upon us, so inhale the sweet, sweet smell of revenge. Lowbrow airs your grievances and tells you exactly who shit the bed, literally and figuratively. But never fear, the rest of the issue has so much more than ads you can use to wipe your tears.

Whether you’re a nostalgic senior or a lowly freshman, Highbrow gives you the chance to score a highly coveted Round Up Superlative. Hey, at least they don’t use your yearbook picture! If that’s not enough to get you in the mood for a vacation, Ego helps you choose your own summer adventure (spoiler: that’s not code for a Goldman internship), Music goes cross country to scope out the best festivals, and Food and Drink pick out the best chilly snacks around Philly that are sure to keep you cool. If you’d rather beat the heat inside an air–conditioned theatre, well that just sucks. Film explains why. And in honor of Throwback Thursday (if you’re into that, no judgement) Art goes back in time to the best of Penn poets past. Finally, this week’s feature tackles abstinence (or lackthereof) by choice (or lackthereof) at Penn. Oh, and robots are taking over the world in the international Robocup. Let the games begin…

With Ever–loving, Maraschino–sweet, unpopped love,