Did you panic at the thought of missing The Bachelorette because you were out getting your red white and blue on? Fear not! Though there was no new episode this week because of the holiday, we couldn’t resist this opportunity to cast our own predictions. If episode seven had aired last night, here’s what we think might have gone down:

• Sniffle, sniffle, tear(s). While previews may exaggerate some drama, they certainly never lie. The per episode ratio of Crying Ashley to non-Crying Ashley has been climbing faster than the unwavering affection each suitor has admitted to feeling for the perpetually pouting princess. “It’s My TV Show And I Can Cry If I Waaah-nt To” may be a good theme song to adopt. Read the rest of this entry »

• We O.D.ed on cupcakes during our Vice Presidential debate eating game. (And every time Sarah Palin winked, an angel got its wings.)
• We laughed and cried with (but mostly laughed at) our compatriots in Wharton.
• We ignored all this semester’s work and looked dreamily ahead to next semester.
• Our Sports for Chicks columnist decoded football.
• DJ Spooky came to the ICA and told us to expect “wild stylz” from him.
• We saw a naked frat guy on Locust Walk.
• We scoured the world [wide web] for the first installment of our abroad blog feature.
• Our sex columnist lamented a missed pill.
• We almost got to see Zach Braff and Drew Barrymore.

See you next week tonight at Van Party.