It’s almost 2 in the afternoon, DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOUR SANDY IS? Well, your parents probably do, because judging from the many hilarious submissions of bizarre parental hurricane advice we got over the past few hours, we’re in for a rough couple of days.
Below are our favorites– completely unedited– that you sent in. So what kind of parent do you have?
The Perpetual Optimist
“Mikey, buy yourself some chocolates. The Dove ones with the messages. Your going to need some soothing once this dragon storm hits. Lots of hard HARD wind. Looking forward to seeing you over Thanksgiving. I can’t wait to meet that anti-Semitic girlfriend of yours.”
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PARENTS! They’re old. They’re a little insane. They usually “don’t” “get” “it.” And we still love them, especially when they try their hardest to make sure that we’re doing okay.
As you all know by now, Hurricane Sandy is almost upon us, and understandably, your parents are (probably) worried about your safety. The urgent calls, the strange texts, the emails written out in multiple colors? We love that ish– all those adorably weird pieces of advice that mommy and daddy have doled out over the past few days are comic gold. So send them in! Yup, submit your best pieces of parental hurricane advice by noon tomorrow and we’ll post the best ones tomorrow afternoon.
A man on Locust Walk handed a tipster this flyer yesterday at around 5 p.m. While this isn’t the type of missing poster we’re used to seeing, it has been rather steamy in Philly recently, and perhaps some clouds could do us good. If you happen to tweet at the oddball specified on the paper, you’ll find a “Philadelphia Doom Fortress”-based “raconteur and thought criminal.” Cute!
World, meet Marion Clark Madeira, a benefactor of the University known for her social work. The lady Madeira is presented here in all her glory, as a babyface caricature from 1879. Real smooth.
Do you know Edythe Maa, the former Penn materials science Ph.D. candidate? Oh, you know, the one who goes by the name Jade Vixen and moonlighted as a dominatrix before becoming a fetish model? No? That’s probably a good thing, considering her past two boyfriends have been found dead.
Back in 2008, when Jade was still one of New York City’s most well-known dominatrices, she dated a Manhattan attorney with a bit of a thing for the kinky. Tragically, one of Jade’s obsessive fans killed her boyfriend before kidnapping Jade. That’s messed UP. Read the rest of this entry »
SCENE I: The internet. Aspiring (failing?) writer reaches out on Craiglist missed connections. Nothing says hipster love like Lee’s delivery guys and army surplus bags at 40th and Walnut. This is apparently best expressed through a short play.
Enter readers, UTB.
EVERYONE: What is this shit?
UTB: Don’t ask us.
EVERYONE: Didn’t we have a weird Craiglist experience, like, last week?
UTB: We know, right?
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The internet: It’s a big, big place. You can shop online, learn online, listen to music online, and now, even find your Penn soulmate online. With PennMatch, the newest social-networking-or-something site, you can find the love of your life. Basically, it works (we think) by using a highly complex algorithm which generates one random male and random female who are part of the Penn Facebook network. Besides the obvious question (Why am I paired with someone who has a Sailor Moon profile picture?), we’re wondering a lot of things.
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Around 4 p.m. today, a bunch of men dressed in German clothing were gathered outside Van Pelt to do traditional German things like dance, play accordions, and annoy students who are studying. But why were they there? St. Martin’s Day, spreading awareness of German culture, or late Oktoberfest celebrations? Who knows? In any case, we were glad to say “Auf Wiedersehen” to these wierdoschnitzels.
Did anyone misplace a giant paper maché toilet? Because we found it! In the middle of the night, just hanging out all nonchalant-like under the tampons. On the reals though, does anyone know what/why/how/whose this is? Please enlighten.
Update: We’ve just been informed that this paper maché throne is in fact a prop from Bloomers’ Little Shop of Whores set, though the answer to how and why it appeared at the foot of the tampons is still a mystery.
Looks like Cosí has helped itself to some of Urban’s receipt paper — does this mean that legally “all merchandise” (like that Chicken TBM you didn’t quite get to for lunch today) can be fully refunded when returned within the first 30 days of purchase and accompanied by the original receipt?
