NewsApril 10, 2014 at 1:16 pm

Senior Societies 2014, Part II

In case you were wondering who the crème de la crème of Wharton and Nursing are, behold the Lantern and Nightingales societies.

Maybe they’re born with it, or maybe their best friends tapped them. Either way, you’re amongst the elite now, cherubs. Make it work.

Another round of applause for the newbies, you’re on the edge of glory.

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NewsFebruary 7, 2014 at 12:36 pm

Whartonites Make Penn Version of Grouper. We Don’t Hate It.

blingee-ff_twnMaking new friends at Penn is soo easy, especially as you get older.  You just walk up to a rando in a big lecture, an open frat party, or the Gregory computer lab and BOOM, BFFs. LOL, not.

Enter GrouPenn, a new start-up by five Wharton undergrads to help Penn kids make new friends.  Groups of three friends fill out a short questionnaire and then are matched to another group, charged $20 on PayPal, given a coupon to a Philly venue, and put in touch with the other group to set up a hangout.  Then you meet up at Saladworks and EVERYONE STARTS GRINDING!  Minus the Saladworks, unless you are matched with UTB.  Then there will be Saladworks.

Although it is undeniably pathetic that we need a website and Paypal to help us make friends, we’ll take what we can get.  We haven’t made a new friend since freshman year NSO, and that was with an Allied Barton security guard (Max, if you want details.)

NewsJanuary 20, 2014 at 3:44 pm

Email Sent To Whartonites Confirms Everything We Knew About Wharton

Every other year, BusinessWeek ranks the top B-schools in the country. Naturally, the Wharton School likes to appear close to the top of that list — they’re currently the #3 in full-time MBA programs. But a email sent out recently to all Wharton seniors reveals just how much the school wants to win:

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Just a little passive aggressive, and why shouldn’t they be in all matters of image and status? So, what happened? How did this fall on the backburner of every MGMT TA and FNCE concentration and other acronym-holders? Will Wharton remain on top? Does everyone get kicked out of school if they don’t? We hope not, but if you want to cover your bases, fill out the survey here before this Wednesday.

FeaturesDecember 5, 2013 at 10:45 am

People Who Went To (Summer School At) Penn: Miley Cyrus

[Disclaimer: This post was part of our Joke Day series. Our logo was Button the Under for a whole day and you didn't even notice.] Before she came in like a wrecking ball, she came in late to Huntsman Hall. That’s right, the biggest headline-maker of 2013 is a secret Quaker who can shake her money maker. Of course, the ex-Disney starlet didn’t have time for a full college experience, but most don’t know Miley took summer classes at Wharton in 2009 (and we don’t mean her impersonator)!

Then 16 years old, the precocious pop princess just couldn’t be tamed and was accepted to Penn…protecting her privacy under an alias, of course. Can you blame her for wanting the best of both worlds?! According to sources, Cyrus was researching the American educational system for her meaty role in the wrenching critical darling “The Last Song,” in which she delivered an award-winning performance as a grumpy, horny high school student during summer vacation.

An eyewitness confirms that as professional as her session at Penn was meant to be, the “Bangerz” babe couldn’t stop/wouldn’t stop twerking down Locust, presumably already rehearsing for her 2013 VMA performance. So diligent – she’s just being Miley!

FeaturesNovember 28, 2013 at 10:44 am

The Penn Thanksgiving Bingo Card

Because we’re thankful for ya, the staff here at UTB put together a li’l Thanksgiving bingo card  for your eNjOyMeNt. Click to enlarge, print, and cut it out (god bless if you actually do). See if you can get bingo before the food coma sets in, or blackout before Grandma blacks out. Hurrah, hurrah, happy Thanksgivukkah!

thanksgiving bingo

NewsNovember 20, 2013 at 1:14 pm

Huntsman GSRs Opening Their GSarms To Non-Wharton Folk

wild gsr orgyWell, well, well, well, well, well, in what was once craaazy enough to be a DP Joke Article, Wharton might actually, fully open Huntsman GSR doors to CollEngiNursing students.

According to this real DP article, a group of Whartonites are working to allow any student—that’s taking Wharton classes—to book Huntsman GSRs outright. Join the forum, share your Wharton oppression stories thoughts. But on the real, VP rooms are better for getting work done anyway.

NewsNovember 14, 2013 at 12:38 pm

The Latest Scoop From The World Of Ice Cream

large_Belle-V-ice-cream-scoop-thumbIn the words of the one and only Michelle Tanner, ice cream is very important. Wharton prof Karl Ulrich must have gotten the memo, as he recently developed an angled ice cream scooper that won’t strain your wrist. Finally, someone who gives the people what they want!

Ulrich teamed up with design company Lunar to create the Belle-V ice cream scoop, which is made of aluminum and features a slight lip attached to the handle that, when applied to ice cream, cures cancer! Just kidding it packs your ice cream into a ball. The ice cream dream team has since released the scoop on Kickstarter, a clever move that UTB would certainly buy into.

NewsNovember 11, 2013 at 12:44 pm

Just Give Up Now Because This Wharton Grad Has Won At Life

Click-Here-to-Get-Started-and-Start-Putting-Money-into-Your-Bank-AccountWharton grad Suhail Rizvi recently invested in 15.6% of Twitter when it went public this past week, earning him $3.8 billion in a single day. What have you done in the last day aside from a whole lot of nothing?

Rizvi, who owns the private equity firm Rizvi Traverse, also has investments in Facebook and Playboy (lol). He was even responsible for buying and selling Summit Entertainment, which produced Twilight and The Hunger Games.

What do we appreciate most about this financial wizard? He has a personal assistant who is responsible for removing any of his personal information from the internet. Ugh, a man after our own heart. If only we had our own personal assistants to get rid of this weekend’s homecoming shenanigans that may or may not have been captured on photograph.

NewsOctober 31, 2013 at 2:48 pm

Wharton On Jeopardy

1096093_10152335985035884_10152335984220884_9536_985_b“I’ll take free printing for $500.” On this recent episode of our favorite game show to pretend we’d totally win, our very own Wharton made a cameo. Personally, we think that Wharton is worth much more then a measly $800 , but on the plus side at least we can say that Wharton is climbing back up the social ladder. From rock bottom to Jeopardy. Not too shabby.

NewsOctober 28, 2013 at 2:00 pm

Wharton Student Raises Capital, Buys PennInTouch

An ambitious Wharton sophomore launched a successful crowd-sourced ($28.50! Woo!) effort to buy PennInTouch.org and redirect it to the real thing. Try it for yourself and relish in that whole second you just saved. What are you going to do with dozens of extra seconds each week? Comment below and let us know!