ALL Elevators in Harnwell Broken - Hopefully you're not too tired after the first day of finals, because Harnwell's bringing "worst place to live in Philadelphia" to an unprecedented low. Reports indicate that the crowded stairwells are approximately 100 degrees (like stuffier than Starbucks under Commons) because they simultaneously refuse to turn the AC on. Give yourself extra time and bring a change of clothes cuz this elevator drought is allegedly still going strong.
FLING2K14April 9, 2014 at 8:40 am

PSA: Narcs, Narcs Everywhere

reno-911-copsAhh, fling–the sun is temporarily shining, the birds are singing, hackers are hacking, and NARCS ARE LURKING. The Liquor Control Agency is back in full(er) force this year to protect West Philly from the terrifying threat of drunk kids in boat shoes, and they mean business. If you’re planning to guetta little weird this week, there are some things to keep in mind:

  • This year there are twice as many alcohol monitors, patrolling on and off campus Monday-Friday 6 p.m.-2 a.m. and Saturday 12 p.m.-2 p.m.
  • Officially they need to (1) hear music, (2) see a crowd, and (3) see open alcohol containers, but LCA agents and alcohol monitors have been known to raid parties without all three of those conditions in place. Basically, if you’re throwing down for fling, it has to be a silent disco and the alc needs to have a cap on it at all times. Sippy cups work.
  • Undercover LCA agents will be at parties and for the first time in Penn’s history have the authority to escort the president of the organization out of the house in handcuffs. Note: LCA agents are not the same as alcohol monitors. They’re here to write citations and make arrests, kick underage ass and take underage names, float like undercover butterflies and sting like bees with badges. Watch ur back. Watch others’ backs.
  • If an “RA” knocks on your Quad door out of the blue and demands to search your room for alcohol, this person is probably not an RA. Or a NARC. Despite rumors of such sketchy Quad searches, it seems that if it’s really happening, it’s thanks to people who are probably too cheap to buy their own alcohol. Use your noggins, kids.
  • If fighting the man is your thing, Protest for a Free Fling is actually happening Thursday at noon on College Green, as per last night’s viral Facebook event. Peace love fling and protests! This is so theme-y! You’ve got UTB’s support. Is it too late to get a Free Fling fling tank?

The IFC is reportedly working to push the LCA’s attention to off-campus frats, but no one is really safe. We’re just wondering when fling got so hard. Now we have to remember to not get hospitalized AND not get arrested? That’s two whole things to remember. Actually you also have to remember to send us your texts from fling. That’s three things.

NewsNovember 18, 2013 at 3:51 pm

BMOCandidate Makes a BMOCalendar

februarylove (1 of 1)Penn students are notoriously uncompetitive, so we were surprised to hear about the interesting tactic one contestant in AXO’s Big Man On Campus has taken to get a literal leg up on the competition. Senior Andrew Musser’s BMOC coaches have sent in a calendar of him posing around campus in his undiez. We’re not kidding. We’re also not complaining.

We haven’t liked betting since that time in Vegas that coincidentally occurred right before the SAC Moratorium, but we have to put our money on this kid.  Check out why after the jump. DISCLAIMER: not safe for class (NSFC… is that a thing yet?). Read the rest of this entry »

NewsNovember 14, 2013 at 11:37 am

10 Things “A Day in the Life of Penn” Forgot to Include

Peta-McDonaldsPenn has released its Fall 2013 “Day in the Life of Penn,” a collection of 108 photos meant to capture “all aspects of campus life from sunrise to well after sunset on one bright fall day.”  Aw.

While we credit the creators for documenting totally everyday things like model shots of Dean Furda, horses and cows at the Vet school, and a really cool foam pit at the gymnastics center, we noticed that they left out a few of the raw details of what it means to be a Penn student.  Catch a list of the top 10 nitty gritty omissions after the jump. Read the rest of this entry »

NewsNovember 6, 2013 at 3:04 pm

Imma Let You Finish, But KWH Is Having The Best Event Of All Time

kanyefunnyGood morning—just in time for Homecoming, Kelly Writers House is making its programming stronger and more amazing by hosting an event dedicated to everyone’s favorite college dropout (See what we did there?  We’ll stop now.).

In a shocking turn of events, the notoriously intimidating Kelly Writers House will be hosting KANYE WEST FEST, an exploration of all things Yeezus-related, next Wednesday at 6:00 pm in the KWH Arts Cafe.  Speakers include hip-hop artist Ivy Sole, Noisey.com Assistant Editor Drew Millard, and (obviously) the University Chaplain. Sounds kinda’ tight, doe—we’re going.

NewsOctober 30, 2013 at 11:33 am

CVS Is Naked And Sticky

Screen shot 2013-10-29 at 11.10.23 PM

The most annoying part about the 40th and Walnut CVS is no longer the half bald dude who always asks if you have your Extra Care Card. As of yesterday, everyone’s favorite money sucker is staying open while their floor is commando and rul’ sticky.  Unless you’re trying to role play Indiana Jones caught in quicksand, we recommend schlepping to the 34th and Walnut or 43rd and Locust locations until CVS’s facelift is complete.

Read the rest of this entry »

NewsApril 23, 2013 at 10:57 am

Finals Are Really Hard


imageEveryone needs a little pick-me-up to take the edge off of finals week. We encourage it! Late night insomnia delivery, venti NON-skinny latte, go crazy. Looks like someone took it a little too far today in a Van Pelt bathroom and got down in between review sessions, leaving their (large) container of lube behind. At least they had the courtesy not to relieve their stress in the stacks? Just know that this is NOT what we meant when we said Rosenparty. And if you’re into that, some suggested material

NewsMarch 21, 2013 at 11:59 am

If You Were Ever Gonna Go To Nara, Don’t.

ImageEver heard of Nara Japanese Restaurant? Nah, we haven’t either. A Penn grad was recently unlucky enough to drop into that creepy, semi-hidden staircase tucked by the arcade on Spruce and found this squirmy gem on her white fish. Apparently, the server claimed it was just a normal product of the fish being “fresh.” Really? What a relief. We can only hope our slightly suspicious Rainbow Rolls from Houston are that fresh.

NewsMarch 15, 2013 at 10:00 am

Naked Allegro. What Gives?

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Allegro has been defiled beyond recognition. Either that or their sign was just taken down for some regular maintenance. Luckily, the guy who answered the phone confirmed it’s the latter. We’re just glad it’s back. That sign is a neon beacon of hope and cheesy goodness for hundreds of stumbling, partied out Quakers every weekend. Irreplaceable.

NewsJanuary 28, 2013 at 12:19 pm

Tragedy of the Commons, Part Deux

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Last night, a dear tipster was a victim of a Bloody Sunday of sorts, but no Czar was overthrown. No, instead Penn was faced with chicken from repeat offender 1920 Nommons that was another sort of tragic. Was it the work of Sweeney Todd and Mrs. Lovett? Or is the worst meat in Philly merely raw? Sound off below. Bon appétit!