I Lived It: Eating at a Different Halal Cart Is Basically Adultery
I don't know how I can go on right now.
Midterm Seasonal Depression Cured by Vaguely Ethnic Frozen Meal From Grommons
I know one thing will always be there for me: my culturally diverse but also culturally sensitive but also culturally accommodating Grommons frozen meal exchange section.
Op-Ed: Please Stay Out of My Line of Sight When Waiting for the Hip Thrust Machine
The bad part about someone watching you do hip thrusts is that you’re doing hip thrusts while someone is watching you.
Breaking: My Cat Costume Was So Good That When I Got MERTed They Took Me to Penn Vet
I don't think it helped that I was meowing instead of speaking...
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Everyone on Campus Was Terrified by My Costume. I Was Poverty for Halloween.
I had to look up what "poverty" was in the dictionary. I wad appalled when I read the definition.
Under the Button Officially Endorses Whichever Candidate You Were Planning on Voting For
Our endorsement comes at a critical time for democracy. We need to choose progress over stagnation; people over profits; stability over chaos; profits over people; we need to choose [INAUDIBLE MUTTERING] to be the next President of the United States.
Reducing Foot Traffic One Step at a Time: I’m Suplexing Everyone Who Stops Walking in Front of Me on Locust
Finally I can put several years of elementary school martial arts classes to good use.
Eavesdropping Gone Wrong: Woman on Train is Actually Super Boring
If you're going to talk in the quiet car at least make it about something cool like insider trading.
The Daily Pennsylvanian Replaces All Staff Writers With Infinite Monkeys on Infinite Typewriters
What happens when they do inevitably write the complete works of Shakespeare?