After Foregoing Straws, Cheryl Set to be Only One Invited to Heaven When World Burns in Hellfire

After Foregoing Straws, Cheryl Set to be Only One Invited to Heaven When World Burns in Hellfire

For centuries, it has been clear that God has a limited number of spots in heaven, and for centuries, humans have debated who would get those spots.  Some thought the Catholics would be chosen, some thought it would be the Muslims, others thought it would be non-violent activists. All of them were wrong. Today God announced Cheryl Wineman (N '21) will be the only one going to heaven when the world burns in hellfire, because she committed to not using plastic straws.

Students With No Experience or Knowledge Compete to Be Consultants Providing Companies Their Experience and Knowledge

A record number of inexperienced, unknowledgeable students are participating in on-campus recruitment for top consulting firms, positions that would pay them for their experience and knowledge. Michael Burke (E ’19) completed a second round interview with Boston Consulting Group. “I’m interested in consulting because you get to use your expertise to help companies solve their problems,” Michael said. “It’s cool because I am not an expert in anything and I’ve never solved a single problem, but they’ll still pay me to do that.”

Engineering Freshman Not Wearing Cargo Shorts and Free T-Shirt Forced to Transfer

Engineering Freshman Not Wearing Cargo Shorts and Free T-Shirt Forced to Transfer

Over the past few weeks, Josh Adebayo (E ‘22) has been in the spotlight of the Engineering community for his decision to break ranks with the school’s strict culture of dress. Instead of conforming to wear cargo shorts and a “Venmo” or “King’s Court ‘22” tee every day, Adebayo often wears joggers in addition to his favorite PennApps shirt, or, occasionally, his $800 Supreme hoodie.

No Huntsman No Problem: The Best 24 Hour Spots to Fuck

No Huntsman No Problem: The Best 24 Hour Spots to Fuck

Sure, Huntsman closing means you need to find new 24-hour study spaces. But more importantly: where on campus are you going to fuck while your roommate is sleeping?

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OP-ED: I Know You Ate My Food, Sharon, I Saw It on My Nanny Cams

There’s a fox in the henhouse, and I know it’s you, Sharon. I bet you thought you were pretty damn clever with your “maybe you’d remember eating your own food if you didn’t come home blackout drunk four nights a week!” excuses. That is, at best, a flimsy cover, and, at worst, gaslighting.


Penn Vet in Lockdown After Humanoid Amphibian Escapes Its Tank

Penn Vet’s Secret Experimentation Center went into lockdown last night after a humanoid amphibian they were studying escaped its tank, University officials stated.


Science Explains: Homophobes Are Extra Active This Month Because Mercury Is in Heterograde

Mercury is only in heterograde once every eight months or so, but the effects are significant enough that astrologists have spent considerable time studying it. Heterograde occurs when Mercury nears the end of its orbit around Earth, when two of Earth’s moons create a sort of frame around the planet. Similar to more commonly discussed retrograde, where Mercury appears to be moving backwards, during heterograde, Mercury appears to be wearing salmon shorts, vaping, and adding the phrase “no homo” to any expression of camaraderie with a member of the same sex.


How to Organize a BYO When You Are a Shell of a Human Being

Social chairs look no further—here’s how to plan a BYO when you haven’t slept since August and your phone autocorrects "dirty" to "darty."


OP-ED: Check Out My Shirt! It's Like an Expensive Brand But My Frat, Haha

I’m Bradley, a sophomore in Wharton from Greenwich, CT studying finance. I joined my Non-Hazing Fraternity last winter, and my buddy Jake is doing a sick job as Vice President of Frocket Tees, Coozies, and Croakies. Actually, check out the shirt I have on right now. It’s like an expensive brand but my frat, haha.


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