Elon Musk (C ’97) Deemed “Too Off-Putting” To Hang Out With Pedophile Group
“Thank God that freak Elon isn’t here. That guy really sucks. Fucking weirdo.”
Dyslexic Penn Student Contracts Chlamydia in Preparation for SDT Mixer
The student proclaimed that he intended to “double-fist” his afflictions with pride, as in other areas of life.
Breaking: Multiple Sightings of The Fabled Quad Blue Whale Swimming Through The Tunnels Persist
How did it fit in the tunnels? Is this all a hoax? These questions, and more, are answered in this article.
I’m Feeling Sick, and I Will Tell You About It
But if you do see me out, no, I'm not contagious. In fact, please do come near me!
Snow Day Last Thing Keeping Local Penn Student From Killing Self
“The pressures of modernity have been and continue to be much for a sensitive young man such as myself to handle,” Zhang said in a press release.
“Existential Despair” Course Replaced With 8-Hour Loop of Eagles’ Playoff Incompetence
I really thought the locker-room positivity bunny would save the Eagles’ season.
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Other News
"I Have A Drink" Tips for Throwing a Great MLK Darty
Every year, as we near the day we celebrate one of our nation’s greatest Civil Rights figures, we all come across the same problem: How do I throw a great MLK day darty?
Kristi Noem Mistakes Pardoned Turkey for Dog, Shoots it
Butterball’s death marks the first pardoned Turkey fatality since the tradition’s advent in 1963, under the Kennedy Administration.
10 Things You Should Definitely Ask the Potential New Member You're Talking to During Rush
Make sure the cream rises to the top!
Writer of the Week (But Not Necessarily This Week)
Local Student Attempts To Steal From Pret; Gets CHASED Over Bridge And Spanked
The student was found staggering across High Rise field, muttering "I must not steal, I must not steal."
Featured Articles
Penn Establishes Office of Inspection of the Office of Ethnic Inclusion of Non-Members of the Antisemitism Office that Aren’t in the Other Task Force
The Good News Is Here. Join the Task Forces.
Penn’s New Regulations Regarding On-Campus Protest: Scary Larry Given License to Kill
Interim President Jameson has announced he is done fucking around and is now strapped.
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