I expected to sit down for a sober cup of coffee at 3 p.m. EST, but the combination of daylight savings and my being accustomed to Iran Standard Time (I’m an empath) led me to lose track and start slamming back Cutwaters at noon.
Upon reflection, I’m not actually that mad about the whole roofie situation — I’ve always wanted a chance to see Eastern Europe. However I have developed a nasty biting habit since then. My boyfriend doesn’t seem to mind, though! He freaky like that.
President Trump, please send me to the front lines. If you don’t, I might have to work in consulting.
Listen as Harsh and Alex struggle to understand the deeper meanings of this novella about a group of prepubescent British boys who are stranded on an uninhabited island.
Today was the worst day that I’ve ever had in my entire career at Penn.
You already gave your kid weed and shrooms, might as well fully commit and make your child the coolest kid on the block.
“You’re up 34% from last week, for an average of six hours and 14 minutes.”
I’m finally saying it: all you bitches suck. Respectfully. After years of observation. In a way that changes nothing.
The Department of State announced late last Wednesday that it would contract with the Alpha Phi International Women’s Fraternity, Eta Iota Chapter to provide intelligence on the rapidly evolving situation in Iran.
University officials are now reportedly considering rebranding all training modules as “character-building exercises.”
At press time, University officials declared that they were "excited" about this. University president J. Larry Jameson posited: "My straight daughter and gay son are super happy. So, I guess, let's have a Brat Summer, everyone."
“Certainly, his parents are very proud of him,” stated researchers, “but when they look at their neighbor’s son who played football in high school and went to a state school and is now working as an actuary at a regional insurance company, they can’t help but wonder: can their child thrive outside the structure of an educational institution?”
Solutions by The State News
