Big Toe Lonely After Human Starts Wearing Tabis
For other halleces, like Hal, this isn’t just an avant-garde fashion trend. It’s isolation.
Yay! All Electric Scooters Just Exploded at the Same Time
KABOOM!!! Is what 48 student athletes heard right before they got blown up and died.
Why is Everyone Getting Fingered at the Bio Pond Except Me?
Consider this my formal open call for anyone who would like to finger a wonderful young girl (me) at the bio pond sometime soon. In an ideal world I would prefer a handsome and talented brunette but really, I’m flexible. Hit my line. Thanks.
Anyone Wanna Come to Your Date Night With Me?
I’m keeping it brief. If you’re interested, so am I.
Harrison Roaches Now Qualify for Financial Raid
The University of Pennsylvania’s Office of Pest Control (OPC) on Tuesday announced a $20,000 gift from local bus celebrity Top Dog Law to purchase extra-powerful Raid for Harrison College House.
Breaking: Girl files Course Action Notice citing "very petite, will be blown away by nor'easter" as reason for absence
Leaving her dorm is not a risk worth taking.
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Gutmann College House to be Converted into Human Zoo
The change comes after years of unsolicited SABSing via the dorm's extensive glass layout.
Zuckerberg announces launch of Ray Ban Aviator Meta Glasses in honor of Gloria Steinem: "Women deserve to see too"
Just don't even think about asking for equal pay.
Writer of the Week (But Not Necessarily This Week)
Title VI Training Sees 100% Completion After Pledges Mistake It for Hazing
University officials are now reportedly considering rebranding all training modules as “character-building exercises.”
Ivana Asiedu
Thursday, Feb. 12, 2026Thu, Feb 12, 2026
Featured Articles
Penn Announces New Minor in Solid Core
At press time, University officials declared that they were "excited" about this. University president J. Larry Jameson posited: "My straight daughter and gay son are super happy. So, I guess, let's have a Brat Summer, everyone."
Report: Three Months Remain Until Penn Senior Becomes Regular Unemployed Alcoholic
“Certainly, his parents are very proud of him,” stated researchers, “but when they look at their neighbor’s son who played football in high school and went to a state school and is now working as an actuary at a regional insurance company, they can’t help but wonder: can their child thrive outside the structure of an educational institution?”
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