Junior Thinks Frat House Next Door Is Disgusting, Also Loves Ketamine

Brian McLaughlin (C '20) has been living next door to an off-campus fraternity for the past two years. “It’s ridiculous,” said the 20-year-old PPE major, “These guys are just drinking and smoking all day every day; it’s pathetic.”

Unaffiliated, McLaughlin has always held a negative view of Greek life. Now, after sharing a wall with this house for the past year, he is adamant that the university needs to crack down on fraternities. “I mean these kids are never quiet—I’m sure they don’t do any homework. It’s like they don’t even take care of themselves,” said McLaughlin as he ate his third spicy salmon bowl of the day.

Besides the obvious issue of noise, McLaughlin has been fed up with the throngs of freshmen that walk in circles around his house after being told to take a lap, adding “These kids just mindlessly follow the instructions of the frat guys, trying to do whatever it takes to get into their disgusting parties. It’s really sad to watch kids become sheeple like that.” 

McLaughlin firmly believes that frat culture is poisoning the lives of Penn students. He also loves to rail Ketamine. Either with a group of friends or much more commonly by himself, McLaughlin enjoys snorting horse tranquilizer until he completely dissociates and no longer feels like a conscious human being. He describes the high in various ways such as, “returning to creature form”, “floating out of my body”, and “feeling like a literal Bionicle™.”

Despite his animosity towards the next-door fraternity, he is hesitant to report them to the university, saying, “What they do is terrible and should absolutely be banned from campus, but they give me a pretty good deal on Ketamine.”