Dear Abby: Walk of Shame Survival Tips

Consider UTB contributor Abby Johnston the Emily Post of collegiate indiscretions. Below, she guides us through the finer points of walk of shame etiquette.

A few mornings ago, I saw one of the most glorious walks of shame that I have ever experienced. It was a girl, perhaps a junior? Anyway, she definitely was old enough to know better. She was wearing an obviously too-large athletic shirt paired with a short, black skirt. Dear morning after girl, wherever you are: Next time, please wear panties. The real kicker though, was that she was not wearing shoes. Based off the assumption that she had been at some sort of bar/club the night before, her shoes were presumably inappropriate-for-the-daytime heels. I can understand why she would not want to wear them; what I cannot understand is why she did not steal some slippers or something along with the shirt.

For those of you who will someday, perhaps soon, be caught in this awkward position, let’s have a frank discussion on what constitutes appropriate morning-after attire. First, always remember this: we, the general public, can tell when you’ve had a one-night stand. Own it; you will not fool even the most naïve passer-by into thinking you are out on some early-morning stroll.

I sympathize if you wore heels out, but either steal slippers or walk briskly. Don’t walk the streets of Philadelphia without some form of protection. Finally, I understand that your skirt covered enough of your body last night that you maybe even felt comfortable dancing on the bar, but in the bright light of day, a pair of your slumber buddy’s boxers will do just fine. Should an awkward encounter occur, you can always claim they belong to a beloved brother, and this way we can all avoid an unwanted peepshow.

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