High School Musical 3: Reality Tally

This is not a review of High School Musical 3. You already know everything a review could possibly express: it is a plotless, perky, squeaky-clean and sparkly gotta-sing-gotta-dance Disney lovefest of friendship, basketball, pomp and circumstance. Attempting to provide some kind of cinematic breakdown of HSM3 would be the equivalent of psychoanalyzing a Cabbage Patch Doll. But there are probably still a lot of you out there who kind of want to see it. All you girls who think Zac Efron is hot in a barely-legal kind of way, and all you boys who Gawkered those naked pictures of the Hudge when she struck a pose for cyberspace, you’re curious.

So instead of a traditional write-up, here is the HSM3 Reality Tally (in the grand tradition of Daily Intel's Gossip Girl reality index). Plus points for anything that seems legit, minus points for pushing too far beyond the limits of “it’s a musical, we make exceptions for breaking in song” suspension of belief. A final score is calculated after major mathematical consideration.

Realer than the smart girls going to Stanford and Yale, but not Penn (whatever, we don’t care): Underclassmen wannabes and obnoxious cheerleaders obsess over the too-pretty-to-be-real Troy Bolton at the post-game party. +4 Gabriella and Troy having to deal with the OMG idea that they will soon be separated by miles and miles. +7 for acknowledging there are long distance relationship issues upon graduation (but does he really have to Google Map it and know the exact number of miles? It’s a stretch, Bolton…) Even though it’s been a teen movie stereotype since She’s All That, paternal pressure to attend the alma mater gets a +4 Gabriella’s mom steps outside right before she and her boyfriend are about to hook up on her hammock. +8. Parents are the worst cockblocks. Troy’s car is a complete piece of shit. +5, because in the middle of an economic crisis, it’s refreshing to see teenagers in the movies who aren’t spoiled shitless. Sharpay’s instructions for the new girl: “If you own any orange, get rid of it.” +2 for some classic mean girl action in a sickeningly sweet movie. Troy only does the musical because his girlfriend guilts him into it. +4 The senior boys haze the underclassmen by stealing their clothes during gym, thus forcing them to make a run for it through the halls in nothing but their towels. +7 for the Wildcats finally acting like the athletes that went to my high school. All the girls whine about not getting properly asked to the prom. +5. The guys eventually suck it up, but want to back out and hate wearing tuxes. +6 And where is this prom? In the East High gym, complete with cheesy decorations hanging from the bleachers. +5 The graduation speech is packed with vintage lines about how “we’ll be friends for the rest of our lives.” +4.

Faker than a sober and stoner-less senior class that’s all in this together: The fat cheerleader. -3, because that would never happen. The tree house in the Bolton backyard has a convertible-style automatic roof -5 All the seniors show up to homeroom and free period instead of just cutting class. -6, since no one shows up during spring of senior year. Upon getting soaked during a storm while waltzing on the roof of the school--which is totally kosher in musical-land--Gabriella doesn’t even care that her hair and makeup are taking an Amy Winehouse turn for the trashed, plus her shoes are getting destroyed. -9. No one pregames the prom. -10 Stanford has an honors program, and the thirty incoming freshmen selected to participate begin the program in the middle of June. -8. There are too many things wrong with that to even explain it. Troy and Gabriella kiss only once, sans tongue -12 Gabriella leaves town without saying goodbye… and without putting out -4 Troy gets into the high school at night without breaking in, since obviously the entire building would have been left unlocked. -7 Troy doesn’t even look a little bit awkward in his prom tux. -3 Troy, who is neither valedictorian nor especially special, gives the graduation speech. -4

So Real: 61 Too Fake: 71 Final Score: -10