I Am...Are You? Desperately Seeking Symbiosis

It recently dawned on me that in the past year, every hook-up I’ve had has gone one of two ways: I’m into it, or he’s into it.

The “I’m into it” situation is pretty self-explanatory, and I’m sure most of you have been there at least once (if not, I hate you). From our end, it seems to go extremely well, until, for reasons unbeknownst to us, we’re dropped. I’ve been lucky enough to watch these d-bags become temporarily ugly post-break-up: whether weight gain, face bloat, or acne regression, it’s fabulous. Karma’s a bitch, boys.

Out of the blue one day, though, I experienced the “he’s into it” scenario for the first time--and then repeatedly. When he’s into it, it’s so terrible that you peace out ASAP, but your escape is immediately followed by a bombardment of text messages for cuddling, movie watching, or just random attempts to be cute or endearing that flat out fail. Just the thought of the initial interaction brings on a visceral reaction, and you blame tequila, even if you were sober.

Then there’s the alarming question: when experiencing the “I’m into it,” is he experiencing the “she’s into it?” That would be horrible!

Ever since I started writing for this blog, I’ve been minding my P’s and Q’s and ignoring my hedonistic tendencies, which sucks. Tremendously. Frankly, I’m increasingly neurotic: what if I hook up with a guy who then posts on UTB, “I banged Carlin, it was okay”? Even though realistically, 1) no guy would ever actually post that (I certainly wouldn't allow it! -Ed.) and 2) I would never just be “okay,” my narcissism is only encouraging my excessive paranoia.

Furthermore, I'm scared to hook up with someone and face another pitiful "I'm into it," or worse, a “he’s into it,” which would make me an asshole.  I can’t help but wonder: is there ever a “we’re into it”?

Normally I’d turn to my other act of immediate pleasure, but the economy is so bad, I feel guilty buying new clothes to parade around my room in. I’m starting to think I should take all the money I haven’t been spending and get a pet Rabbit. And not the mammal.