Michael Gold On Starbucks Gold: Fool's Gold

It's a well-known fact that Penn students don't get nearly enough sleep. And that's probably why the line at the Starbucks on 34th and Walnut generally extends out the door between classes. Without our caffeine fix, we'd be grumpier than McCain without his Geritol.

That's precisely why Starbucks' recent economic troubles concern us so much. Imagine having to walk that extra block to 34th and Chestnut (or the bookstore or Commons...) every day in pursuit of your Venti Extra-Hot Soy Cappuccino, without which you simply could not make it through that three-hour seminar.

Economic loss or not, Starbucks knows we're addicted, and in response they've brought us the Starbucks Gold Card. A program which (after guessing how much will likely be spent to market it) will probably eventuallybring its ultimate downfall. Let's examine further, shall we?

We'll start with the blurb on the site's "Learn" page. How desperate does the first paragraph sound? Seriously, Starbucks, in light of your troubles, the phrase "You're the ones who keep us going" is entirely too honest. Because, you know, it's 100-percent true.

But the thing that slays me is that membership in the elite program costs 25 dollars a year. If we're in a recession, and I'm trying to cut costs, why would I consider spending $25 to join a Starbucks rewards program instead of spending it on something we really need (read: Smirnoff)? Not only that, but if I'm only getting ten percent off my purchases, and the average price of a grande designer latte is around $4, it's going to take me about 60 Caramel Macchiatos just to break even on this thing. Yeah, yeah, you can claim to offer me "exclusive offers and discounts", but if my other rewards programs (which, by the way, Starbucks, were free) are any indication, they will be things like "Get a free pastry with your purchase of two pounds of coffee!" or "Free grande drink (excludes anything with a name that sounds Italian)".

Also, the "option to pay however you’d like (cash, credit card, etc.)" can hardly be considered a benefit. Not only is that standard American business practice, but I know that you guys are desperate enough that if I tried to pay you in rupees or yuan, you'd happily take them.

The only thing that I could really see clinching the deal for some people is the two hours of free Wi-Fi. Seriously, that's great for those pretentious types who know that writing doesn't really count unless people are there to see you do it. Unfortunately for Starbucks, most of us at Penn already pay $40,000 a year for our Wi-Fi and hardly need to shell out 25 bucks for voyeurism when we can just get that at VanParty.

Oh, Starbucks, we miss your Golden Age. But first you decided to open stores on every third block, and now this? Let's be honest, the only kind of "gold card" we want comes from American Express. It's been fun, but we'll miss you when bankruptcy hits.