Nancy Drew And The Case Of The FUBAR Harrison Restroom

As I hunkered down to start writing a response paper with a 6 AM deadline (ca. 12:53 AM), the four cups of black coffee I chugged with dinner caught up to me. Happy to have chosen the Harrison computer lab for its vicinity to both my house and a bathroom, I made my way down the hall, stopping briefly to glare at the excessively chatty clique seated near me (Friendship is for Rosengarten, kids.) Upon opening the restroom door, I was greeted by the following scene (see Exhibits A & B).

Although there are no facts to support the following conjecture, or evidence to point to its validity, I believe the perpetrator was a very tall club Basketball forward (roughly 7'3"), who clumsily swiped into the building, successfully entered his pin number on the eleventh try, stumbled to the first floor, ridded his stomach of his first Chipotle burrito, and stood up too quickly from the hunched position.

This would not have been a problem, had his head not been topped with an orange cone that he uncovered at a Spruce Street construction site. "Sick!" he may have stated. After all, one man's trash is a drunk man's treasure.

If the following images refresh the offender's rapidly deteriorating memory, said offender should return to the scene and attempt to make it usable for those of us who can handle our alcohol better than our schoolwork.