The City: Already Better Than The Hills

We like our reality television with as little reality as possible. MTV has heard our reality prayers and done the virtually impossible: created a show even less believable than its predecessor. Not convinced that a spin-off of the spin-off of that show that was the "real" Orange County could possibly be at all worth your time? (Oh, Kristin and Stephen, it feels like only yesterday that we cared at all about your non-lives!) Read on as we count the ways we love Whitney and her new, carefully edited and softly-lit adventures as she navigates the dangerous divide between uptown and downtown.

1. Audrina and Justin are boring, and so we are ready for the latest incarnation of the scruffy non-boyfriend. We have met the new Justin Bobby, and his name is Jay. He has an Australian accent and thus is far superior to the original JB. However, he is not better than James-Franco-as-Justin-Bobby, seen here at funnyordie.com.

2. We too are rooting for the return of the side braid!

3. Audrina's eyeliner was getting so thick it was distracting us from the epic storylines.

4. Heidi has completed the bitch evolution, from "who the hell is she?" to mildly entertaining to she-cares-too-much-and-so-we-no-longer-care. She has taken the final, fatal step into has-been oblivion: attempting to launch a singing career.

5. Spencer is ugly. Has no one noticed yet that Spencer is ugly? It's like if that guy from O-Town got hit in the face. By a bus.

6. Olivia is a desperate social climber with almost no soul to speak of, and we love that in a girl. Read her complete history at our go-to guide for all things New York.

7. Pussycat Dolls > Natasha Beddingfield > Hillary Duff

8. As far as Hills spin-offs are concerned, would you really rather endorse this?

9. Jay, for all his five o'clock shadow, carefully disheveled hair and "big muscles" (as Olivia describes them) is too much of a pussy to say "I love you." In fact, he mocks people who say "love" because they "throw the word around too much." We not only love that this is actually realistic - one of the only realistic moments in last night's episode, though, don't worry - but also that he in fact reminds us of guys we have dated. It is possible that we have dated this exact guy. Probably, even. This is made all the more certain when he explains to Whitney why there's "no rush" to label themselves boyfriend and girlfriend. Holy shit, Jay, are you sure we didn't go to high school together?

10. Just in case the Shakespearean dialogue leaves you wondering, “How should I be feeling at this moment?” the MTV soundtrack kicks in to help you! Example: at the end of episode 3, when Jay delivers the devastating blow of “I just want to get to know you better… and that’s it, for now… hey, I’m starving!” the song that comes in, over Whitney’s even-blanker-than-usual stare, starts with the lyrics “Crashing down, could you hold me as I fall to pieces?” Oh, she’s falling to pieces! Like the song!

Still unsure if this is worth thirty minutes of your life every week? Tune into MTV Mondays at 10 p.m. to decide for yourself. And if you have your own reasons why you're addicted to The City, post them in the comments.