A Retrospective Spring Break Guide To The Perfect Hook-Up

Once I ignored CNN and the drug cartels that were actually nowhere near me, Spring Break in Acapulco kicked ass the entire time. The only glitch in my week of SPF 70, boozing and dancing away my feelings (on narrow, elevated surfaces while wearing 4 ½ in heels, mind you) was the six hour layover in Mexico City before sadly getting the Homeland Security stamp in New York. This meant, of course, that while my still-drunk partner in crime repeatedly lapped the airport in search of her pesos, passport, boarding pass, and customs form, I had to stay awake and man the bags in case she needed a translator (I, too, was drunk, which meant that I had become bilingual). I had time to kill, so my mind drifted to the ups and highs of the past week and, as I am your sex blogger, the craft of the perfect spring break hook-up. Believe it or not, it’s a fairly complex formula; that is, if your standards exceed the drunk friend you happened to be fist-pumping to Katy Perry with.

#1. The Circumstances. In my mind, there are two ideals. The first is the person you’ve lusted after from afar for a long enough period of time that the hook up would yield some sort of catharsis upon climax. The second situation, the Carlin Technique (also handy during summers in Manhattan), is to meet someone who has never heard of you, and vice versa, yet, you have at minimum one trustworthy mutual friend who approves; this means that if it goes terribly, you can return to Penn and pretend it never happened and, if it surpasses all expectations, you’ve just opened up a whole new social sphere. Whammy.

#2. The Connection. If you are adopting the "When in Rome" mentality, it’s good to click – with vibrant chemistry – so that the story when you return home is completely amped up: “Oh yeah, we were talking for hours, it’s like no one else was in the room.” I mean, it’s nice to hook up with someone who’s actually legitimately cool, right? Besides, it pays off when you finally make it into the car back to the villa.

Which leads me to #3: The Anticipation. The longer the flirtation, especially if connected to #2, the more into it you get. Duh.

#4. The Location. The more innovative, the better the hook-up, the better the Spring Break story. All I will say is that I cashed in heavily on this one. Sorry, readers, I only kiss and beat around the bush. This shit comes up on Google.

And lastly, #5. The Performance. Self-explanatory.

Welcome back to school, everyone. Hopefully the first day of seeing midterm and paper grades wasn’t too killer. I’m recovering from my shocking return to literacy by taking comfort in the fact that not only do I have new BBM contacts, but my high school friend with benefits is paying me a visit for his Spring Break. May the party rage on.