While You Were Out: A War On Our Home Turf

Cushy and welcoming as “University City” may sound, be warned, the big bad bears of terrifying, gritty, non-yuppie West Philadelphia are here to remind you who was here first. Be frightened, friends, a war of historic proportions is raging. Here’s the report from our foreign war correspondents:

WEST PHILADELPHIA UNIVERSITY CITY, PA - Sources report that the unrest began recently as the University City District expanded into bordering territory some fortnights ago by installing lights and then flags on Baltimore Avenue. This physical marking of territory was interpreted by native settlers as an aggressive and invasive act. In response to this encroachment, the enraged citizens of West Philadelphia have started to stage a revolt. According to documents and eyewitness accounts obtained from Philebrity, the West Philadelphia residents have employed an aggressive guerrilla tactic: defacing the enemy flags on Baltimore Avenue, in what has been interpreted as an act of political dissent. The West Philadelphia offensive has reportedly released propaganda literature, urging all citizens to become involved by engaging in communal acts of flag removal and defacing.

While the West Philadelphia strategists seem to be taking an offensive stance, the University City district, in true yuppie fashion, seems not to give a shit.