Penn Admissions, We Have Some Questions For You

This week was one of those rare weeks when you realize that nothing is the same, that what used to be reliable is no longer so, that our children are living in a much different world from the one in which we grew up. Guys, Penn changed their admissions essays.

The basics: no more "Which professor would you like to study with?" and the "Why Penn?" essay is different. Now it asks which academic and social communities at Penn you'd like to be a part of, because Ben Franklin started the fire department or something.

So, prospective students, we'd like to mention that 34th Street and this very website combine to make a thriving social community at Penn, so you should probably write your essay about us. (Don't do this. If you tried it because we asked you to and didn't get in, man oh man, we would not be able to live with ourselves.)

And admissions people, how did you not tell us you were doing this? You knew we had so many ideas and if you just asked we would have sent them over. Anyway, we're going to post them all here and if you want to use them next year, you have our blessing.

1) What is your favorite John Legend song? Did you know he went here? Because he did! He totally did. And he is the coolest, right? So talented and handsome and soulful and he went HERE. Like, why would he do that? Why wouldn't he go somewhere that had fewer nerds, you know? (500 words)

2) What do you really think of your AP History teacher? Come on, the truth. Don't hold anything back. This is between you and us. (Do not exceed one page.)

3) You have just completed your autobiography. Please submit Page 217. Also, if you like Dave Matthews, make sure the first letter of the first word in your essay is a "g." Whaaat? You think we just want to weed out the Dave Matthews fans? Stop questioning our motives and just write what you were going to write. Be honest. (500 words)

4) Did you hear Haley was totally flirting with Jared Lederman during gym yesterday? I mean, I'm not saying it's going anywhere but if you have any hopes of taking her to prom, you might want to confess your feelings now before it's too late. (700 words)

5) Penn has a long tradition of art appreciation. One of the centerpieces of our campus is a replica of the LOVE statue from LOVE Park. If you are unfamiliar with LOVE Park, it is the basis for the Philadelphia level of Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 2. Did you play? Which character did you use? Was it Geoff Rowley? We bet it was Geoff Rowley. (150 words)