Say This Stuff: Football Edition

Freshmen, we know you're worried about this football game tomorrow. Not worried that our boys won't be able to pull off the upset against Villanova, but that you will have nothing to say to your hallmates who go to the game with you. You've never spent time with them in this kind of setting, you're not sure if your "I don't remember a THING from NSO" stories are stale yet, and you don't know anything about our team. Completely understandable - as freshmen, we ended up just stuffing our mouths with our toast to fill the silences.

We put together this conversational guide to the first football game (Franklin Field, 7 p.m.), removing all awkwardness from the coin toss to when you leave, disappointed at the first of our many losses. We recommend printing this out onto index cards you can sneak out of your pocket at the right time.

FIRST QUARTER

"Did you know that Penn has never once beaten Villanova, even though we've played them eight times in 98 years?"

"What? Are those index cards in your hands?" says one of your friends.

"Yeah, wait, did you print out fun facts about this game, cut them out and then neatly paste them onto index cards?" says another. "And did you use some type of glitter glue?"

"Uhhhhhh...oh look, it's the second quarter already!"

SECOND QUARTER

"It seems as though Penn Quarterback Keiffer Garton is having success both throwing and running the ball. This two-pronged attack is making things very difficult on the Wildcat defense. If he keeps this up, I think this could be the most successful season for the Quakers since Chuck Bednarik anchored the defense."

"Yeah, I guess," says your friend, "I'm gonna go buy some chicken fingers - you guys want anything?"

HALFTIME

"Time to throw the toast!"

Then you all toss it and some guys in front of you say, "You do it after the THIRD quarter you IDIOTS," and then the girls next to you say, "Yeah, throwing toast began in the 1970s when alcohol was banned in the stadium. Don't you know ANYTHING?" and then the older gentleman behind you says, "That's right - almost 20,000 pieces of toast are thrown per game you DUMMIES."

You think to yourself, "Everyone here is so helpful!"

THIRD QUARTER

"Kicker Andrew Samson is doing a great job showing us why he deserved to be named to the College Sports News All-American team during the preseason."

"Quit it with the index cards already," says your friend, "Man, I should have asked you to get me chicken fingers when you went, Phil. I'm gonna go get some."

FOURTH QUARTER

"Here's something you might not know: the last--"

"This game's a blowout," says Phil, "Let's go pee on that Ben Franklin statue."

THE END