Let's All Have The Absolute Best Homecoming Possible

Don't be surprised when you wake up this weekend. You're going to see some shirts tucked into jeans. You're going to notice a lot of greying temples. You're going to think, "When did College Green became Fogey City, Population: Tons Of Moms And Dads?" Then somebody's going to give you a button that says Homecoming 2009 and it's all going to make sense.

Man, this weekend is going to be the best. See that logo? Looks like Homecoming is going to be full of paintbrushes and music notes and footballs and goal posts. The four best things! But what else is going to be happening? Let's take a look at some of the highlights from the schedule of events.

The Figure: Structure and Motion Saturday, 1 p.m. - 3 p.m.

"Participants must be 18 years of age or older." Do you guys know why that is? It's because you are probably going to be drawing a live naked dude or lady. All the alumni participating are going to whisper to you in between gesture drawings about how they remember the days when they enjoyed seeing their own naked bodies in the mirror. How they remember those days before their bodies became weathered with age, riddled with liver spots, flabbified with endless folds and wrinkles. Your life will flash before your eyes, as will countless images of their old, old, disgusting naked bodies.

Surrogates Saturday, 2 p.m. - 5 p.m.

Homecoming is a time for alumni to remember the good times, to celebrate tradition, to laugh and laugh and laugh about all the fun things they did when they were in school. It's a wonderful thing, right? So let's all sit together in the dark for three hours and watch a critically-panned Bruce Willis science fiction vehicle!

Clay Working: Ball Casting and Trophy Throwing Saturday, 10 a.m. - 12 p.m

We're not sure we're going to be able to make it to any of the programs this weekend. We've been so busy working on this miniature statue of former Quaker Chuck Bednarik but we don't even know where to start on it and--wait, what does that say? "...participants will create their own miniature footballs as a basis for larger multi-part sculptures." Oh great!

Does Your Kid Have Talent? Saturday, 11 a.m. - 2 p.m.

You might read this as, "Does your kid have talent? Great! Bring him over and he can show us how he knows all the state capitals or whatever." You would be wrong. People will be judging your kids. We have inside knowledge that more than a few "NO"s will be handed out at this thing. Also, "Activities are recommended for ages 6-14, but there will be something for every age group." That something is called a reality check and while they would love to hit you with it, kids aged 6-14, if you're a sophomore unsure if your magic act is cutting it, this is the program for you.

What Good is an Old Book in the Age of Google? Friday, 4 p.m. - 5 p.m.

There are no more spaces available for this lecture, but we can supply you with the answer to that question: NO GOOD, YOU OLD PEOPLE. HAPPY HOMECOMING!