In Which A Teen Soap Opera Occurs in Van Pelt

The other day, someone forwarded us this email in which some dude (actually, a now Penn Law student and former class prez) recounts a conversation he overheard in Van Pelt. We laughed, but didn't think much of it...until we received the email on like, twelve other listservs we're subscribed to. When we looked back over the email, we had a number of concerns, including but not limited to: why is everyone declaring their love in Rosengarten? Also, did this guy sit there transcribing this whole exchange? Considering how quickly excited freshmen speak, we find this words per minute count to be impressive. Oh, and...to all the "Obnoxious Girls" and "Awkward Boys" out there — we salute you.

In the unlikely case that you didn't receive the email (we simultaneously envy and pity you for not being subscribed to eight zillion listservs), the full text is below the jump.

Subject: A Day at Van Pelt

No conversation could top what I heard today.  Seriously, this could only happen at Penn.  I will periodically interject my thoughts on thesituation, as I feel it is warranted to really grasp how epically amazing this convo really was.  It also helped that the two undergrads sharing their stupidity chose my table as the spot to have it out.  As the person I will only refer to as "awkward boy" iterated at one point "this guy certainly knows I love you."

Obnoxious Girl (OG): Can I sit down here? Me: Sure (l looked up to see what I was dealing with.  She was your standard 3 [non-Penn scale adjustment]). Awkward Boy (AB) wanders over with another guy, who is no less awkward/annoying.  The rest of this will be a conversation between AB and OG OG:  Hey AB, my friends (plural) think you are stalking them AB:  What? Who? OG: [Redacted Friend 1] and [Redacted Friend 2] AB: I don't even know [Redacted Friend 1] (not ever mentioning [Redacted Friend 2], implying that he both knows her and has in fact, been stalking her as alleged) OG:  Well I just wanted you to know that AB: Let me introduce you to my friend, he's a cool guy OG:  What school did you go to? Friend: I went to [Redacted elite boarding school], where'd you go? OG: [Redacted New York City prep school] Friend:  Is that a state school OG: (obviously not getting the joke)  uhhhhhhhhh no.  What's wrong with you? AB: Hey OG (in a complete non-sequitur), I told my parents that we weren't friends anymore.  You've changed so much.  You used to be a good person  I feel like all you care about is who you hang out with, and I don't even know... OG:  I'm not like the other [Redacted New York City prep school] girls, I'm different. They changed. AB:  Its just that...I told you I loved you and I feel like we could've been something... OG: (Cutting AB off) how many girls have you said that about? AB:Only 2, well maybe 3.  You, [Redacted friend 3] and [Redacted friend 4] OG: What are you talking about? AB:  That night when we had sex, I thought that was the start of a good thing (not sure whether this was at [Redacted New York City prep school] or Penn, but who really cares) OG:  Let's get something straight.  That was a one time thing, I don't want you to think that was anything.  Maybe I was a little jealous when I heard you were taking [Redacted friend 5] to dinner, but I didn't want to tell you that because I didn't want you to take it to mean that I liked you...because I don't. AB:  You're so stupid.  (Walking away a couple of steps but clearly coming back because the first time around wasn't nearly crushing enough)  You're going to be sorry when you can't get into my fraternity parties OG:  What fraternities are you rushing AB: [Redacted off-campus society] (clearly not understanding the difference between a fraternity and fraternal-like organizations), [Redacted frat 1], and [Redacted frat 2]. (I thought that an intervention here may was basically in my job description, but c'mon was I really going to end this kids misery?) OG:  Ummmmmm, I didn't want to tell you this (excited to further destroy this guy's hopes and dreams) but you're blacklisted at [Redacted off-campus society]. (This peaked my interest.  This guy has got to be a real fucking tool to get blacklisted at [Redacted off-campus society]. In a sorority, hooking up with someone's BF is usually enough, but I have never heard of a guy achieving that feat...ever.  Guys usually can't remember your name long enough to get blacklisted.  Ultimate tool status was awarded to this bra at some point, which is impressive.  That said, it probably has something to do with the gem OG drops later on) AB:  (Mortified) No way.  Who told you that?  That's not true.  It's not true to the point [sic] that I get in to [Redacted off-campus society] 's parties before every other freshman. Who told you that? OG:  Well, I wasn't supposed to tell you, but [Redacted guy 1] told me.  And he also told me he doesn't want you to follow him to whatever fraternity he goes to. AB:  That's good, it'll be better for me to make my own decisions. OG:  Oh yeah, I think you're blacklisted at the [Redacted frat 1]...and [Redacted frat 2] too. AB:  Whatever...I LOVED YOU!!! OG:  I think the whole library knows you love me AB:  This guy certainly does Me:  Amused smile AB:  He probably loves you too, how could he not, you're beautiful. (I thought this as particularly ironic considering how much hatred I had built up for both of these clowns in the past 35 minutes.  I also had to check this girl out [again] at this point.  it was just as little fun the second time around.) OG: OMG, AB stop it. AB:  I can't wait to get home and tell your parents what a slut you are.  I hope you got tested because that guy you hooked up with last week gets around, and he has a fiance. When she finds out she's going to go Elin Woods on your ass. OG: (unfazed) I'm teling everyone about how you piss yourself all the time. AB: I hate you

Awkward staring at each other for about 15 seconds

END CONVERSATION