We Need To Help The Basketball Team Win Already

We realize that not every team can be a champion. It is a monumental achievement to even win one game against the talented opponents the Quakers face at the Palestra each night, much less rack up enough wins to bring home the championship belt or trophy or free pizza party or whatever they get.

That is what our basketball players must be telling each other after practice each day because it is really not that monumental to win a game - we do it plenty of times each year - but it has not happened yet this season.

Our friends at the DP say that if our basketball team does not win tonight or Saturday, it'll be the first time since 2000 they've ended the fall semester without a win. Yikes! The New Jersey Nets just broke a record by opening the season with 18 losses and everyone made fun of them. We can't have the Jocks AND the Nerds on campus getting picked on. Sticks and stones may break their bones but words will not help them win games here!

Unless those words are positive. If we all act like great fans of this team, we can turn things around because that's how sports work. Whoever wants it more! Heart! It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the etc etc.!

So, first, we're going to need to show up and root for the team. Maybe even wear your foam hat. Another way you can help (and this only counts if you're really tall and coordinated and great at dunking) is by putting on a uniform and sneaking into the locker room and just joining the team and leading them to victory. We can't have everyone try and do that, so maybe you guys can organize some sort of campus wide knockout game to determine who gets to be the next Quaker. This is how joining a Division I basketball team works, right?