Auld Lang Whine: Resolutions For The New Year

It's the most wonderful time of the year! Yep, 'tis the season of baking cookies, seeing old friends and getting drunk with your family. Contrary to popular belief, though, the holidays aren't meant for merriment; rather, they are a solemn time to sit there and think about what you did wrong this past year and to make New Year's resolutions you will (probably not) follow.

But we're here to help, and to do so, we're posting some of the most inspiring resolutions we've heard of (okay, completely made up) from friends, readers and an assortment of other gentle people who tickle our fancy. So, without further ado:

"Do full, thorough examinations of every bag and backpack that passes out of Van Pelt... sike!" --Van Pelt bag-checkers

"Feast on students who trip and fall on Locust Walk, screech loudly at tour groups for giggles." --Juvenile red-tailed hawk on Locust

"More bro-chill sessions with my main girl Amy." --Leah Popowich

"More 'do-djin-djin-do' and less 'djin-do-djin-djin.'" --Every a cappella group on campus

"Stop using my scooter to get to class." --People who use a scooter to get to class

"Get a lot more people at Penn crunk." --FroGro's temperamental wine-kiosk, The Pronto

"MOAR MUSCLE MILK!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!" --Mr. and Mrs. Penn

"You saw what we did to Castle, right? 2011's target: Off the Beat." --The five or six people who write 99% of the CollegeACB posts

"Put Qdoba out of business." --Chipotle

"Put Chipotle out of business." --Qdoba

"Try to figure out the difference between Chipotle and Qdoba." --Everyone at Penn

"Extend our frozen breakfast selection to include Toaster Strudels." --Cream and Sugar Bakery

"Start sleeping in Fisher." --Van Pelt Nappers

"Be funny." --Punch Bowl Magazine

"Let everyone know how much I LOVEEE MY BIGGGGG XOXOXOXOX" --Girls of the sorority spring pledge classes

[But actually, none of these quotes are real.]

Happy New Year, y'all! Make sure to keep reading in 2011!