Found On A Frat Listserv: Shower Power

Generally a haven for raunchy stories, offensive photos and unadulterated debauchery, fraternity listservs occasionally produce gems so amusing that we must share with the world. The latest in silly: a detailed ranking of one house’s showers, complete with justifications and a scoring system.

We’re impressed with the thought, time and dedication that the author has put into recommending the best travel shower experience (the art of using a different shower than usual) for his brothers, and if we ever shack there we’ll be sure to take words like this to heart:

A cornucopia of shower cleansing liquids due to the eclectic nature of this hall’s residents. Lack of barriers means you can simultaneously shower AND chat with your BUDDEEZ!

These will be useful for room choice, shower traveling, and for science. FOR SCIENCE!

My first travel shower was during NSO when I was in an ever so adventurous mood. Some rankings may surprise you. Some may upset you. Some may inspire you. I hope to spur a [frat]-wide movement for travel showers. There is just so much to experience and I want the world to be yours, just as it is mine. This is not supposed to be funny. It’s purely informational. Treat these not as opinion, but as fact.

8TH PLACE

Second Floor – [left] side

Pros: simple stream apparatus. There is a door to the bathroom. The Greek letters are written above the door. There is a beautiful painting on the wall.

Cons: DISGUSTING. This bathroom never ceases to amaze me with the wetness on the floor. There used to be a glass door on the shower, which was okay at the time (there were no other glass doors in the house and I do love diversity) Then there was a mumpy soggy curtain. And now there’s no door. The sink is broken. Occasional Kreepage occurs. Everyone chooses this bathroom to vomit in. HATE HATE HATE.

Verdict: Avoid this shower at all costs.

7TH PLACE Second Floor – [right] Side Pros: Extremely simple shower apparatus and a strong, warm stream. [Frat bro] lives near here so you can often see him combing his orange locks and talking to himself, as he vainly stares in the mirror. There’s a Star Wars sign. There is a shower pad – a truly inspirational piece of entrepreneurship. A very powerful toilet. A cornucopia of shower cleansing liquids due to the eclectic nature of this hall’s residents. Lack of barriers means you can simultaneously shower AND chat with your BUDDEEZ! Cons: The toilet in this bathroom has severe emotional problems. Occasionally, it will cry out in despair, whining and waning. It sounds like this. There is no door; occasionally there’s a curtain. I personally like staring people in the face when I poo but you might not. [Girl] left her tampons there from over the summer and I want to die every time I see them. The curtain is only being held up by 3 tongs, therefore making for an awkwardly close-minded and introspective shower experience. This bathroom is often putrid in odor because [frat bro] and I have mild IBS and lactose intolerance. Verdict: Avoid this shower unless you like a voyeur experience.

6TH PLACE

Penthouse Bathroom – 4th Floor [left] side (you should know this, 4th floor laundry room not included you fucking idiots)

Pros: The penthaus is fenomenale. I mean really, it’s the penthaus. Top floor. JUNIOR YEAR BRAH! [Bro] and [Bro] are around. So it’s pretty fuckin sick.

Cons: The shower is actually terrible. There is no pressure. It’s really lonely because nobody is around. Don’t expect much here. This is simply the most terrible shower but it didn’t rank worse because it is a very desired bathroom real estate property.

Verdict: If you’re a style over substance guy, then choose this shower.

5TH PLACE

3rd Floor – [left] Side, Back Pros: A universal styling leaves much room for the imagination. There is often toilet paper in this bathroom. The shower itself is rather good. Nothing out of the ordinary though. Cons: A pretty boring shower actually. [Random bro] once said, “This shower sucks. I once took a shower there in the morning and it wouldn’t get hot. It was cold!” Cold showers are worse than Hitler. Verdict: If you have no personality, this is a great shower for you.

4TH PLACE

3rd Floor – [right] Side, Front

Pros: This bathroom is painted a unique green. Excitement ensues. This shower has a wonderful curtain; a large bathing area is suitable. There were 3 different types of Old Spice Body Wash. I tried them all.

Cons: If you listen closely, you can often hear a whale being pleasured in the room next door. TERRIBLE shower apparatus. This shower, instead of having one temperature control, has two knobs…If you’re not experienced in this shower, you will forget which is hot, which is cold, and which direction turns the water on and off. This will bring a terrible end to the traveling shower experience. When my shower was done, I ended up turning the wrong knobs. I burnt my skin; then accidentally froze it, leading to a breakdown of my sensitive thin-skin.

Verdict: This shower is for the brave hearted.

3RD PLACE

Third Floor – [left] Side, Front

Pros: [Bro]. Hemos. [Bro]. Hemos. Due to [Other Bro]‘s ‘once-or-twice-a-week’ shittage, this bathroom stays relatively clean and fresh. The door was recently cleaned straight off the hinges, which adds a twinge of comedy/character to a generally ‘white-walled’ bathroom. The shower itself really gets right to the point. It is wonderfully easy and very elegant. Expect some nice bathroom reading to be waiting for you on the shelves. Cleanliness ensues in this shower.

Cons: [Other Bro] might break your bones if you go in here without asking. Watch out for this demon. While occasional vomit and door sliding does bring comedy/character, the bathroom itself is generally a little boring.

Verdict: This shower is for the light hearted, conventional traveler.

2ND PLACE

3rd Floor – [left] Side, Front of House

Pros: [BRO] LIVES HERE!!!!!!!!!!! Shower is unique as New York, with blue covered walls and a large open, space. Rather ordinary shower itself, but in a good way. An Exec shower, so the real estate is much to be aspired to for from in about around. Expect comedy in this shower. Simple shower apparatus and a warm culture.

Cons: The shower itself is a strange yellowy, brown color. The pH is this shower’s water is unnoticeably acidic and will corrode your skin if you travel here too often.

Verdict: Hands down, one of the best showers in the house. Fit for a shower God who doesn’t mind a busy hallway and that, well you know, used feeling.

1ST PLACE – THE BEST SHOWER BASEMENT SHOWER!!!!!!!!! WHAT AN UPSET!?!?! WHO SAW THIS COMING?!?!?!?! Pros: Fanfuckingtastic shower. The pressure is incredible. There is plenty of space. The shower curtain is truly beautiful. The bathroom is very large so when you’re alone in the bathroom naked before getting into the shower you can scurry around in the nude. There are TWO showers in this bathroom, thus making the one you actually use seem superior in some way, creating a sense of entitlement and excitement.The temperature is very easy to control. There is a simple amount of SHOWER LIQUIDS in the bathroom, which is great. The bathroom is very quiet and goes unnoticed because it is in the basement. Privacy. Cons: This bathroom is rather far away from where most of us live. Verdict: This shower, although primary certification and skill is required, is simply the best.