Bachelorette Buzz: Season Premiere

As promised, we've got your weekly recap of The Bachelorette today. (Albeit a little late. We'll pretend this was to give all you ardent fans a chance to catch up.)

Last night's season premiere began with a montage of Philly. Ashley was pictured giving her dance lessons and climbing the Rocky steps all while saying something very deep and powerful about her past experience on The Bachelor. Meanwhile, audience members tuned out the obviously scripted spiel and instead wondered, "Did she really just pull a Carrie Bradshaw and do the blonde-to-brunette post-breakup thing?"

Then Ashley got to meet the guys. And let's be honest, no matter how hard we all tried to remember every stud and his name and his favorite color and the exact angle at which his pecs were shot while he was coincidentally just brushing his teeth half-naked, after a while, 25 white guys all kinda just blur together.

There were some standouts, of course. Particularly Ames, Mr. Ivy Man, who's managed to hit up Yale, Columbia and Harvard. And who also managed to pull a total ivy move with this line: "I went to Yale, which is in Connecticut." Oh thanks for breaking it down for us, asswipe. You sure you don't mean the other Yale? No, not Yale State?

Basically, the season premiere was like watching NSO greetings—25 painful times. Some of the boys came prepared with dentist jokes. “First time in my life that I’ve been excited to see a dentist," said one guy whose name we've already forgotten. "I brushed my teeth like 8 times today," said another.

Also, there was a guy with a mask. And he wouldn't take it off, insisting that Ashley should get to know him on the inside before he reveals his outer appearance. While this would make a wonderful opening to a very promising fairy tale, in the real world, this was creepy.

But still not as creepy as Tim, a 35-year-old wine distributor who revealed himself to be his own best customer. Tim began the night with an awkward introduction to Ashley in which he just fidgeted and uncomfortably stared at her. It soon became very apparent that Tim was so intoxicated that he couldn't talk. Long story short, he passed out on a bench outside and had to be escorted home. Which is a pity, because we actually remembered his name.

In her one-on-one with JP, Ashley gave us a little shoutout, stating, “I’m in dental school. I go to UPenn, actually.” Hellz yeah she does! And the present tense of her statement might explain why she was MIA at graduation.

The first impression rose was given to Ryan (who?), a couple of strapping young lads were sent home rose-less (and feeling crappy about themselves because even Mask Man made the cut), and so began the new season of The Bachelorette.

The sneak peek at the end of the episode revealed that the show will be traveling all over eastern Asia, making stops in Thailand, Taiwan, Hong Kong and Fiji. Also, Ashley's gonna fall in love with a guy named Bentley, but he's apparently just not that into her.

And that's how we killed two hours of our lives.