Bachelorette Buzz: Week Six

Alright guys, by this point you know the drill. Get your drinks ready, because Week Six of The Bachelorette is serious business.

This week’s episode opens with generic Asian music and some zen shots of Hong Kong. Ashley poses in a street as everyone zooms around her. Is it just me or does she look two shades tanner? (and, slightly less important: where is Bill Murray?)

Chris and Ashley reflect on last week’s rose ceremony. Eight guys remain. Chris is afraid Ashley will become the runaway bride. Bentley is here!!! “Shut up,” says Ashley… (dot dot dot).

Ashley waits nervously outside Bentley’s hotel door. Warm embrace. They then shut out the cameramen and have three hours of tantric sex. Just kidding. They sit on a big, yellow couch and chat. Bentley admits to missing Ashley. She drops an f-bomb. The “dot dot dot” officially becomes a “period.” Every living room in America experiences a collective sigh of relief.

This week’s first one-on-one date is with Lucas. Ashley takes Lucas to Kowloon City. Neon lights, dragon suits and Lucas’ southern accent make for an excellent mise-en-scène.  They try some weird food and describe it. Spicy. Chewy. Testicles.

Next, the pair eats dinner on a sailboat. They talk family hardships and marriage mistakes, which is totally interesting, but we’re way too distracted by the home movie camera effect caused by the teetering boat to pay attention. Lucas gets the rose, and they make out. Shot!

Back at home, the boys get the group date clue--“let’s get our hearts racing.” This is our girl’s way of saying “let’s go dragon boat racing" (which is exactly what it sounds like).

Ashley begins the group date by splitting the boys into three teams and sending them into the heart of Hong Kong to collect more random teammates (NSO introductions, anybody?). They struggle. The bandana wrapped around Ben F.’s forehead Rambo-style is totally helping.

Ames takes it way too seriously, criticizing the team dressed in red robes and emphasizing that he’s here for Ashley. This is dragon boat racing, dude. Come on.

Ashley sits at the top of a boat and eggs the boys on by beating on a large bongo. Shit gets intense. Somebody wins. We’re way too sober for this.

After watching the Hong Kong sunset, Ashley takes all the boys to a bar. Ames takes Ashley in an elevator to aggressively make out. They exit the elevator and enter an open-air terrace, from which all of Hong Kong is visible. It was actually kind of nice?

We then cut back to los lonely boys, who can’t stop gossiping about how much Ryan sucks. Unfortunately for them, Ashley sits down with Ryan and ends up giving him a rose. Boo, sob, somebody call the waaaambulance.

The next one-on-one is with JP, who drinks a little too much sake and throws out the “meant to be” card. They appear to be falling for each other under the moonlight, but wait! Ashley divulges to JP full details of the Bentley sob story, which kills the mood but ultimately brings them closer, blah blah. He gets the rose.

After telling JP about Bentley, Ashley is feeling “totally liberated” and decides on a whim to tell the entire group about the debacle. Brownie points for honesty, girlfriend, but these boy scouts are a bunch of drama queens. They gang up on her, responding with silence and calling the whole thing “weird.” After Ashley puts each of them through a one-on-one mock therapy sesh, Mickey decides he just can't take the pressure and sends himself home. Nobody’s happy. Rinse, wash, repeat for the next 15 minutes.

The guys finally grow some balls for the rose ceremony, where they smile and let Ashley give it to them hard (the rose, that is). Ashley says bye-bye to Blake.

Where did those two hours go??? We feel sotally tober. Next week = Taiwan! Karate! Mud wrestling.