Bachelorette Buzz: Week Seven

Like every other week, ABC eased us into The Bachelorette by preceding it with Wheel of Fortune. After yet another stay-at-home dad from Hawaii failed to complete the final prize puzzle, our expectations were set at the perfect low.

Week Seven began with a commute from Hong Kong to Taipei, Taiwan, and the realization (read: relief) that the original cast of 24 lads has been trimmed down to just six: Lucas, the Southern belle; Ames, the sensitive Ivy Man; Ben, the Constantine-lookalike; Constantine, the Ben-lookalike; Ryan, the ketchup smiley face your mom puts on your scrambled eggs; and JP, the nice Jewish boy from Long Island she nags you to marry.

The show's host, Chris Harrison, addressed the remaining boys, letting them know that if they want Ashley to meet their mamas during hometown dates next week, they better step up their game this week, because two of them are going home sans the Bachelorette.

On this week's first one-on-one date, Ashley and Constantine take a train into a small village outside Taipei where they paint their love wishes on the sides of a giant traditional Taiwanese love lantern. Ashley and Constantine set the lantern free under the romantic cover of nightfall and then make out as the lantern floats away into the sky...and eventually falls into the ocean and inevitably kills dolphins.

Making a pun out of the word "gorges" (wonder where she thought of that one...), Ashley invites Ben on the next one-on-one date, causing Ryan's optimistic facade to crack as he freaks out because he’s never had a one-on-one with Ashley.

The next day, Ben and Ashley ride a motorcycle on a highway built into the slopes of aforementioned gorges and then make out on a suspended wooden bridge. Their date is basically just dinnertime feeling-sharing with a dessert course of  groping Ashley’s own gorges.

The following morning, Ben doesn’t come home from his date, and JP gets jealous and irritated. When Ben does finally return from his walk of shame, he assures everyone that he and Ashley stayed in separate rooms. This isn't a sorority chapter meeting, Ben; you can tell America the truth.

The next date is a group date with Lucas, Ames and JP to take wedding photos, which are apparently a big deal in Taiwan. Ashley picks out a long traditional yellow Chinese changshan for Lucas because he's such a traditional Southern guy and because that logic totally makes sense, a snazzy pastel blue suit for Ames and a tux for JP.

JP takes swigs of vodka as Ashley and Lucas pose for their pics and then acts really stiff during his own shots. “I don’t wanna see her with any other guy,” he tells the camera. Ashley notices that the guys aren’t having as much fun on this date as she'd hoped, but she can like totally relate. To prove it, she reveals that last season, she was the one who secured the rose on this same group date. This makes no one feel better.

In their side conversation, Lucas admits to Ashley that he felt stupid in that "dress," but Ashley assures him that “it wasn’t a dress, it was a long shirt.” This also makes no one feel better. Ames bumbles about something, but we're too distracted by his weird robot teeth/mouth/jawline to compute what he's actually saying, and then JP shares his insecurities, too. He has the most convincing sob story, so he gets the date rose.

Finally, Ryan gets his long-awaited one-on-one date with Ashley. And she’s not wearing a bra. They go to a temple. She’s still not wearing a bra. There are tons of people praying. Ashley and Ryan make a wish to the magical matchmaking wish god (Ashley’s words, not ours), but mess up their rock toss so the wish can’t come true.

Later, Ashley tells Ryan that she doesn’t see him as her husband. She’s just “not feeling it.” Ryan stammers, “So you don’t wanna meet my family?” She tells him that he doesn’t need to show up to the rose ceremony. Ouch, that's gotta burn! Guess the magic matchmaking god knew what’s up.

After all the boys spent the episode competing for hometowns, essentially playing a game of “my mom’s meatloaf is better than your mom’s meatloaf," Ashley cancels yet another cocktail party. She wants to spare the boys’ emotions since she already knows who’s getting the boot, but we suspect that she just didn't pack enough dresses.

Either way, bye, Lucas.

Next Week: Hometown Dates!