What's HapPENNing?

Good morning, Philadelphia! [Cue the upbeat music] It's most wonDERful time of the yeeeeeear! That's because today is the first day of classes! Whether it's your first semester or seventh semester, you're taking FNAR123 or ECON102 (Wait, you are? Can we talk? Can you do my problem sets? Please? I'll tell you you're pretty!) or you're doing 3 credits or 7 credits, it's time to dust off your drug-addled brain and high-five a textbook! With your face! "But what kinds of extracurricular activities can I attend?" you shriek. From free shows to freak shows, we've got it all covered for you. So go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Take the road less traveled! Inspiring high school year book quote! Exclamation points! Yeah!

Hillel Speed Dating Who: Conservative Jewish Community When and where: Thursday, 7-10 p.m.; Hillel 2nd Floor Why: Are you a conservative Jew? Are you single? What, you're single? Well, schlep your tuchus over to the Hillel– you could meet the future doctor and/or lawyer of your mother's dreams! Also, if you go to three kickoff events you get a prize. So yes. Need some tips? Here ya go!

The Gay Affair Who: Queer Student Alliance When and where: Friday, 7-9 p.m.; LGBT Center Why: We're the #1 gay-friendly school in the country, so there's that. You can make some new friends and enjoy refreshments and be merry and gay in every sense of the word. Note: No heterosexuals allowed (Kidding).

Freshman Performing Arts Night Who: Performing Arts Council When and where: Saturday, 7-10 p.m.; Zellerbach Theater Why: If you're a freshman, this is your chance to get acquainted with the 40+ performing arts groups at Penn. Whether you like all-bicurious nude chillwave a cappella or are interested in joining the nation's premier [gender] [descriptive adjective] [talent] [your mother's maiden name] troupe, you'll find your niche! Tickets are $5 for freshman and $8 for upperclassmen.

Making a Monument: The Fall and Rise of the World Trade Center Who: Penn Museum When and where: Sunday, 1-3 p.m.; Penn Museum Why: Dr. David Brownlee, a professor of art history, will explore the troubled history of the World Trade Center as well as the modern tradition of monument-making throughout the world on the tenth anniversary of the 9/11 attacks. We highly recommend attending what will definitely be a fascinating and poignant lecture.

Mask and Wig Free Show Who: Mask and Wig When and where: Sunday, 8-10 p.m.; Zellerbach Theater Why: Music. Free. Jokes. Dancing. Women's breeches. Jokes. Mystery. "Oldest all-male collegiate musical comedy troupe." Recycled jokes. Mask and Wig.