Out Of The Button

Let's get down to business: everyone poops. Most poops are average. Unremarkable. Sometimes you take amazing poops that overwhelm you with such relief you enter a momentary state of bliss. And then...there's awful poops. Ones that make you curse yourself for eating at Chipotle. For the third time this week. Or maybe it was those two venti coffees you had this morning. Sometimes it's hard to figure out what foods actually caused those toilet travesties, so we've developed Out Of The Button: The Definitive Guide To Sourcing Your Poops to Penn Campus Eateries. Just match your poop to the pictures below and develop a roadmap of places never to frequent without a bottle of Pepto Bismol. Let's get crackin'.

Kiwi: If you're a froyo pro, every cup is a perfectly swirled work of art. And life imitates art, right?

Sweetgreen: It's light! It's healthy! Yet the number of people reporting unsavory bowel byproducts of eating here is confounding. Trust us, it's not the color of the mesclun that puts the "green" in Sweetgreen.

TBowl: BUBBLE TEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gia Pronto: You didn't think Gia regulars actually digest those salads, did you? That would be, like, 20 extra minutes on the elliptical.

D.P. Dough: If you eat a calzone stuffed with two pounds of cheese, don't expect to be using the restroom for a while.

Mark's Cafe: Cookie-coffee combo. Pretzel and hummus. Those pre-wrapped sandwiches that taste like they've been sitting in the display for three days. Doesn't matter. If you're faced with something that looks like this, there's a good chance it's because of Mark's.

New Delhi: Is it just us, or does what comes out look exactly like what goes in?