What Your Late Night McDonald's Purchase Says About You

We've all been there. It's 2:15 a.m., and where are you? In the corner of Smoke's, standing quietly and hoping nobody will notice you're still alive. "No, it's okay. I know him," you say defiantly. Sure you do. After a few minutes of drunken one-sided arguments with your least favorite bartender, you leave, convinced that it was your choice in the first place and no, you will absolutely not be coming back (until tomorrow). You let your feet take you where they will take you. They take you to McDonald's.

The late night of all late nights, McDonald's is a place to see and be seen past closing time. You will not be judged, because everyone else looks exactly like you: drunk, desperate and, most of all, hungry as balls. But it's not all fun, games and barbecue sauce. You have a decision to make–a difficult one. Below you'll find a breakdown of the messages you're sending by putting that greasy, delicious (almost) food in your mouth: wanna get laid? Trying to hide a debilitating sauce addiction? Read on.

A Big Mac–You get an A for effort. The Big Mac, otherwise known as the Kingpin of sandwiches (something we just made up), poses a formidable threat to your well-being and will violently destroy your appetite. You've got guts, and you just don't care that you'll be puking them up in, oh, 20 minutes.

A Big Mac Someone Else Bought For You–You are the Coolest Person Alive. You are also most likely a girl (unless your frat bro owes you money, in which case you should probably just save it for weed). You love proving people wrong, especially when it ends in food and sex and a diet coke, please. So stuff your face, then go home with that hottie who gave you a free sandwich. He deserves it.

Fries–You sometimes have to be coaxed out of your shell. You probably drink gin & tonics while lamenting the demise of Lana Del Rey, and you'd rather punch yourself in the face than be seen wearing J.Crew. It's okay. You dry your tears (on one of your 17 plaid flannels), and you move on like the Soul Sister you truly are. Which is why not a single eff will be given when everyone finds out your dirty little secret–you are addicted to ketchup.

McBites–You really wanted to say the word "McBites" out loud. You'd rather be eating wings from D.P. Dough, but you couldn't find anyone to go with you, and you've never tried McBites, so, like, why not, right? You wait until you get home to eat them, because you can't stand not knowing how many you can fit in your mouth at once. You already knew the answer is four.

Apple Dippers–You are either a vegetarian, trying to use caramel as a sexessory or in a sorority.