Campus Fountains: Why You Should Care
October 3, 2012 at 10:23 am
It's that time of the year - the time when you don't understand what the hell our angle is for some of our posts. That's okay! We promise it's not obtuse (lol puns). The fact is, there are some fantastic stories behind this family of water-discharging eye candy, and we want you to be the first to know. Seriously, these tales have never been told before, so prepare thyself.
Harvest fountain: Pictured here is a mal-watered Penn freshman who refused to drink nothing but farm fresh water. He/she has been waiting for weeks for the fountain to finally spew, but was finally removed from the premises after taking off his/her pillowcase, choking him/herself with it, and screaming something one witness recalled as, "Gimme your clothes, mudblood!"
The Vet School fountain: Is that a reindeer? Oh, no, it's just a caribou. It's rumored that each spout on this fountain contains a specific pheromone to draw a variety of Philadelphia wildlife to the area. Word on the street is the Vet School is trying to increase cross-breeding amongst animals of a variety of species. In light of a recently adopted mutt, it's natural for the Vet School to want to introduce much better animals to the younger Penn classes.
That hole behind Joe's Café: Who would've thought that artificial lily pads in a semicircular cesspool would be a popular hotspot for Amy herself? Rumor has it she not only passes out free kittens on a bi-monthly basis, but she also offers tutorials on how to make a 62-year-old human face appear younger than an adolescent's. She's pictured here handing out one of those cute kitties, but we had to crop it out on account of her lack of legs.
The Dental School fountain has absolutely nothing interesting about it, so we asked the Penn Gentelman's Club instructor, Tre$ha, to lick her foot on a table next to the fountain. This was the only photo we could get of her before she started asphyxiating on glitter and marbles. We attempted to call HUP but she slung our phones into fountain while screaming, "WE'RE GONNA DIE YOUNG."