Family Weekend: Translating Your Lies

It's finally that time of the fall: PARENTS EVERYWHERE. While you're busy re-labeling your porn folder “Multivariable Calculus” and hiding the lube, condoms, and toys (let’s be real, your parents don’t know what you do with a stuffed rabbit and a poptart), we've come up with some great tips on how to lie to your parents in a way that's almost truthful:

1) “Oh, I have a meeting at 11pm” = I’m trying to meet with my friends early enough so I can blackout before I go home with a multiracial group of male and female college and adult homos(apiens). 2) “I’ve got work to do” = I’ll be working on making my ass form a 90 degree angle with my lower back so I can have a shot with someone at Blarn and Copa. 3) “I need to get some sleep” = I’m not sleeping tonight on account of I’m trying to rage like a sorority sister after her boyfriend sleeps with her little.

4) “I’m having dinner with some friends” = Some friends and I are gonna sit in a circle at the bio pond and smoke so much that we start jamming to Selena Gomez. 5) “I go to that coffee shop all the time” = I crawl to this coffee shop for support after I cheerfully poison my body every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. 6) “Take a picture with Ben Franklin” = Lol you’re sitting in pee. 7) “That’s Skulls” - That used to be Skulls. 8) “I rocked that class” - I slept with that professor enough times to get everyone A’s.

And there you have it. No need to pretend you won't be doing any of these things - they're all based on real occurrences.