The Comprehensive Guide To Surviving Family Weekend 2012

Your parents have been away from you for just over a month, and already they're worried that something dire has happened: you've used up all six bottles of shampoo, the labels on your underwear came off in the wash, you haven't found a nice Jewish boy yet…

So they've decided to come to campus this weekend, staying in the room at the Inn at Penn that they've had reserved since December 15th, to "see your life on campus" and "get to know your friends a little better." [Subtitle: "We can't wait to meet Smoke! Ya know, that kid whose dorm you go to every Thursday and Saturday night?"]. Midterms or OCR can't stop them now. They're here for 3 days, and they want to see it all. Here's your guide to skip-able events as well as those to not miss!

Friday

Classes With Your Student (10am-4pm; All around campus): Skip. We feel sorry for the ambitious parents who show up on campus before their children wake up. We feel sorrier for the students who have Friday class. Nothing beats a half-empty recitation room with half-awake kids who are half-hitting on the half-American TA. After all, there's no reason to actually go to class anymore.

Student Health Service Presentation and Tour (2:30-3:15pm and 3-3:45pm; 3535 Market, First Floor): Maybe. Are your parents wondering why "I tripped and fell down the stairs," "My collar gave me a rash on my neck" and "I chipped my tooth on...an apple" are the most injuries on campus? Ours are, too. Send them over to SHS for some answers--if you dare.

Cultural Center's Cafe Open House (3-5pm; Houston Hall, Suite 240): Go. Bursar 5 sushi rolls in Houston while your parents look on cluelessly, or head on up to the second floor for some free dessert with PAACH, La Casa Latina, and Makuu. The perfect pre-dinner familia activity.

A Conversation with President Gutmann (4-5pm; Irvine Auditorium): GOO!!!! For an early-evening ego boost about your child being the best and brightest Penn has ever seen, or just to catch a glimpse of that smile, this is a don't miss. We have a feeling it'll be less a conversation than a speech, but we'll be there in the hopes of getting a new prof pic with Madame P.

Comedy Sportz (8pm; Houston Hall, Hall of Flags): Maybe. If you're not out savoring a $60 steak on your parents' tab by now, this is probably the second-best alternative. The "faced-paced comedy competition" is also "good, clean, FREE fun for everyone." A must for sibling rivalry and a must for pregaming.

Saturday

The College Luncheon (12-1:30pm; Houston Hall, Hall of Flags): Go. Open only to those students in the College, the buffet with Dean DeTurck is by reservation only. Sorta like office hours, but you might actually go to this one--even if it costs you $25!

Student-Created Videos (2:45-3:45pm; Van Pelt Library, Weigle Information Commons): Maybe. At this point in the day, you're probably getting tired of walking your parents up and down Locust and at a total loss for what to do. Thankfully, Youtube and VanPelt's baby will keep them busy for an hour.

Student Performing Arts Night (8pm; Irvine): Go! Your parents may curse themselves for having not forced you to continue the piano, voice, and dancing lessons you went to from ages 3-13, but this F-PAN repeat is your chance to see relax and watch your friends in all of Penn's performing arts groups Masala.

Sunday

College of Arts and Sciences Brunch (10:30am-12pm; Inn at Penn): Go. Another day, another $25. This is basically Luncheon with DeTurck, part II. Registration to this event is capped at 500 students and families, and the first tickets--which were available in August--were hotter commodities than Fling tix. Let us know how it is!

Save the date! Next year's Family Weekend is October 4-6, 2013. For more information, download the app here.