12 Best Meal Deals: Fall Finals

[Disclaimer: This post was part of our Joke Day series. Didn't the font tip you off?] We all know how the 'Finals' story goes: There once was a glutton who performed gluttony for about two weeks and then got a B-. That being said, campus restaurants capitalize on our gluttonocity by giving us meal deals that just can't be tamed, so our UTB contribz took it upon themselves to seek out the best final exams deals that simply can't be passed up. You're welcome.

• DP dough is giving one free calzone for every stress zit that appears on your face (body not included).
• When you head to CVS for your twelve-hour Red Bull supply, the friendly franchise will throw in a free pack of diapers. Don’t waste five minutes walking to the bathroom to pee! Deal starts when the shiny-headed man puts down the gummy worms.
• Starbucks under Commons will be adding bunk-tables to accommodate the influx of students during readings days. Also available are complimentary sleeping bags by the fireplace and one extra outlet.
• Ben and Jerrys will take four whole dollars off every gallon of ice cream you order after hearing that your ex is taking another girl to formal. An extra dollar if she’s cuter than you.
• Penne will throw in an extra bread basket for successful Marketing SABRE teams that chose to circle-jerk there for dinner. Ending a class never felt so dough-ey.
• In an unprecedented move, Houston Hall announced that they will be turning off the video cameras in its downstairs cafeteria, leaving them vulnerable to students’ thievery. They also reported that they expect no change in revenue.
• For every Van Pelt stress poop you take, Houston will donate one more mangled egg-salad wrap to Mark's Café.
• 2+2=4. And 4 equals the number of free drinks Smokes will hand out for every person who DOESN’T ignore its existence for the next fourteen days.
• Insomnia will give a free box of cookies to anyone who hasn’t slept in 48 hours or more. The bags under your eyes will serve as the reference points.
• Every time a student scrawls “Death” onto a Van Pelt study carrel, Mark’s Cafe will give away one precious Mediterranean sandwich and/or Sabra hummus snack pack.
• Potbelly is offering free shuttles from Huntsman Hall to its location 10 miles away under the Penn Tower during reading days.
• Just in time for reading days, Bui’s is introducing a new breakfast sandwich: the Totally F***ed Special. Egg, cheese, bacon, and the sour taste of failure. You want saltpeppaketchup too?