Earthy Things To Do On Earth Day

As the Google Doodle hath warned us, today (was) Earth Day, on which we customarily respect the planet and its non-human inhabitants. In case you haven't yet celebrated, here are some suggestions.

1. Go to College Green, grab a nice big scoop of dirt, and put it in your mouth. The earth tastes delicious, and we never get to savor it! This is what animals, who eat lots of dirt, do every day.

2. Go to FroGro to make a statement in the produce aisle. Each of those fruits they're trying to sell as "food" is just the swollen, overripe ovary of a plant, filled with seeds that each represent one unfulfilled plant life. To eat them is a travesty, and to buy them just supports the powerful Fruit Lobby.

3. Using your now-obsolete Spanish 120 handouts, wild grasses, Starbucks straws and locally-available tumbleweave, make a nest for the Native Birds of Philadelphia to call home. If all else fails, put a squirrel up there. He probably won't mind.

4. Make a trip to the banks of the fair Schuylkill River, and gaze upon your watery reflection. Try to spot a Native Fish. If the glare on water's surface from the oily industrial sheen is too strong, then the sun is setting, and Earth Day is almost over. It's time to head home and cook up a fine meal of recyclables which you might otherwise have just thrown away.

Don't delay, because Earth day only happens once a year! Tomorrow you'll have to light that oil well on fire and kill a flock of eagles. On the real though, here are some actual ways to get in the green.